Honoring Our Limitations

Rather than treating our limitations as problems to be solved or burdens to be borne, what might shift if we treated them with respect and appreciation? Finding our limits means finding our boundaries, and we have the option to view them as useful tools for self-care and safety (instead of cages we’re trying to break out of). 

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Resources, References, and Links

Note: book recommendations include affiliate links. If you buy a copy, I’ll get a tiny commission, and that would be super cool.

Nervous system activation. Listen to Episodes 21 & 22 with Marjorie Schreurs for a deep dive!

The Artist’s Way by Julia Cameron.

Expressive writing. Listen to episode 42 with Stacey Hettes. 

Parts work. Listen to episode 46 with Celine Redfield. 

Transcript

Note: this transcript was generated by AI. Please forgive any malapropisms and misspellings. It’s the robot’s fault!

[00:37] Hello my dear.

[00:39] I am back from a somewhat unplanned break from the podcast. You may have noticed, or maybe you’re enjoying your summer and you didn’t notice either way. I took a few weeks off in part because I think this new plan is that I’m just going to take Mercury retrogrades off cause they tend to hit me pretty hard.

[01:00] But also I just needed to honor that my system was telling me I needed a break.

[01:07] I wasn’t feeling very inspired and I needed to just set things down for a minute and go for a literal and figurative walk so that I could come back when it was time.

[01:21] And what’s really present for me in that experience and what I want to talk about today is this idea of. Of honoring our limits, honoring our limitations,

[01:32] really treating with respect where our boundaries are.

[01:40] I actually looked up the definition of limit and limitation.

[01:44] And the first definition is something that bounds, restrains, or confines. And I think most of us,

[01:50] and I know I historically have had a really fraught relationship with my limits. I tend to historically have tended to ignore them or blow past them or not even recognize that they were there.

[02:05] Because many of us don’t really like being told what to do. And that’s what that definition kind of feels like and sounds like is that, oh no, you can’t. That a limitation is a line in the sand that says, well, you can’t do that.

[02:19] And we certainly live in a culture that encourages us to push past our limits, to go harder, go faster, go stronger,

[02:28] ignore what our system is telling us.

[02:31] And so I know that I never really learned how to actually tune in and hear what my system was telling me about. Like, this is a limitation. This is my boundary.

[02:43] But the second definition of limit is the utmost extent,

[02:49] like the furthest distance.

[02:52] And I kind of like the expansiveness of that. Like when I get centered in myself and think about limits not as something that are holding me in,

[03:02] but the space between me at my core and how far I can go.

[03:08] There’s something really nice about that that I’m playing with and this idea of finding those boundaries, like,

[03:20] finding just how spacious I can be in whatever area or activity of my life.

[03:27] Like, what is the spaciousness there and where does it end?

[03:32] Because I.

[03:33] I do actually think that boundaries and limits and a stopping point is really helpful.

[03:41] If I don’t tell myself, like, okay, at 5:00pm Every day, I’m gonna close my laptop and put work down,

[03:51] then I’ll just keep going.

[03:53] And the other things that are genuinely important to me, like eating a healthy meal,

[03:59] being present in my recovery meetings, being present with the people in my life,

[04:04] like, those things will start to erode if I don’t have, like, a clear boundary or a clear limit.

[04:12] And the annoying thing about being an adult is that I have to set those for myself.

[04:16] And I’ve talked about this kind of thing on the podcast a lot. And I’m also just realizing as we’re Approaching Episode number 50,

[04:24] official episode number 50, we’re past episode number 50, if we’re counting blogs.

[04:28] But, like,

[04:29] I’ve been at this for a while,

[04:32] and something that I’m just noticing and embracing is that we all need repetition. That I have to say the same things over and over so that I can absorb them into my system.

[04:46] I have to hear the same things over and over so that I don’t forget them. And that. That’s just like, okay, that you’re gonna. If you keep listening, you’re gonna hear me talking about stuff in slightly different ways and slightly different flavors.

[04:59] And that’s beautiful. I love it. So hopefully you love it, too.

[05:04] And, you know, rest and energy and boundaries and creativity and play and joy,

[05:12] all of those things are just big themes of this podcast.

[05:16] And something I’m recognizing is that in order for me to really be able to access my own joy,

[05:26] to play and be creative in a way that, like, feels good,

[05:32] I have to carve out space for that.

[05:35] I have to get enough rest.

[05:37] I have to be able to replenish myself and not let things become a chore.

[05:45] And in order to do any of that, I have to be able to honor my own limitations.

[05:48] I have to be able to recognize when my nervous system is activated and I’m reaching my limit.

[05:58] And it’s really frustrating. And the annoying thing about that also is that it changes over time as we get older. Our body changes,

[06:07] what our capacities are changes depending on all the different factors in our life.

[06:15] You know, if we have kids,

[06:17] our capacity for socializing is radically diminished.

[06:22] If we have a demanding time at work, then our capacity for time off or leisure is diminished. Right? And it’s this ebb and flow and flux of different components that can be really hard to keep track of if we’re not deeply paying attention.

[06:44] One of the ways that I pay attention is through journaling and meditation.

[06:49] I do morning pages thanks to the Artist’s Way and Julia Cameron and the practice of just putting my thoughts on paper every morning and seeing what emerges.

[07:02] Big fan of expressive writing.

[07:05] Big fan of checking in with my own feelings.

[07:11] And even in periods where I’m doing that consistently,

[07:15] that doesn’t always mean I’ll notice everything.

[07:17] That’s why we also need outside perspective.

[07:20] And what I’ve come to realize recently is that my capacities are different than they used to be.

[07:31] Now that I’m in my 40s,

[07:34] I have different physical limitations.

[07:37] I have different mental, emotional, spiritual limitations.

[07:41] I don’t have the kind of same boundless energy or enthusiasm as I did in my 20s or 30s, which, to be fair, I was also not really paying attention to my system at the time.

[07:52] Time.

[07:52] But when I can get present with the reality of what’s true for me,

[07:57] right? So I am adhd.

[08:01] I’m a highly sensitive person. I have sensory sensitivities.

[08:06] I’m also,

[08:08] annoyingly, I’m pretty sure, perimenopausal. And I’m learning what the fuck that means about my energy and emotional capacities and, like, how that impacts things.

[08:20] And it’s so annoying because all of this stuff is always in flux and there’s just a lot to keep track of.

[08:26] And so this idea of honoring those things,

[08:30] of treating them with due respect and appreciation,

[08:37] is an interesting mindset shift for me that I wanted to offer to you.

[08:42] In thinking about what’s going on in your system.

[08:47] Where are you activated, where are you depleted?

[08:49] Where do you have capacity?

[08:52] But rather than treating it as constraint or constriction or I can’t do this.

[09:00] Thinking about it in this idea of, oh, how neat my system is telling me what I am able to do in order to take care of me,

[09:13] that this is all a manner of honoring the center, of nourishing the center. Like, I have this image of my kind of core energy in my body today. It’s a, like, warm gold color.

[09:29] And there’s only so much space between the center and the boundary. And if I don’t actually have a boundary, if there’s not a space or a line or a bubble or whatever, where that stops, then I’m just dispersing Myself in all different directions and not maintaining that core.

[09:54] And so honoring my limitations rather than banging against them or trying to push against them or treat them as problems to be solved provides me with a sense of safety, with a sense of structural integrity.

[10:12] You know, like, once I know what my limits are,

[10:16] then I know kind of where I am in space,

[10:22] where I am in relation to my own energy and self and fullness.

[10:30] And the reality for me is like, I don’t want to be depleting myself all the time. I don’t want to be miserable.

[10:36] I don’t want to want to be exhausted. I don’t want to be frustrated with people and situations in my life. I don’t want to be crabby and bitchy and aggravated.

[10:49] I want to be the joy pixie that I am moving through the world. Like, I want to be able to bring my own vibrance and light and play and joy to the world, both to myself and to the people in my life and to you.

[11:07] But I can’t do that if I don’t actually have structural integrity. Like, if I don’t know what my little joy bubble is and where its boundaries are,

[11:19] then I can’t use it particularly effectively,

[11:21] right?

[11:22] And especially as someone who’s neurodivergent, like, I’ve just been running up against frustration with that lately.

[11:29] Like my sensory sensitivities,

[11:32] my ADHD inability to, like, keep my house as tidy as I want it to be, or just like running out of executive function capacity at the end of the day,

[11:44] or when my motivation just seems to evaporate,

[11:49] that can be incredibly frustrating.

[11:52] And ADHD is like, my specific example. And whether you’re neurospicy or not, like,

[11:57] just thinking about, like, what are the areas where you don’t seem to be able to do the things that you want to be able to do or that are hard or frustrating and that, like,

[12:09] maybe there’s a limit or a boundary or a deeper understanding that might be available to you if you sit and look at that, if you sort of sit and be with it,

[12:23] as in the conversations about parts work that we’ve had and self love and self compassion, right? It’s learning to approach the parts of ourselves that we’ve historically been frustrated with or angry at the sort of aspects of who we are that don’t meet our ideal or our standard,

[12:47] and holding those with love and compassion and respect.

[12:54] The beautiful part of being a highly sensitive person is that I’m deeply empathetic. I am deeply aware of nuance in emotion and what’s going on with people, the energy in a room.

[13:10] I have a deep appreciation for the texture of food.

[13:16] You know, like, I used to be a really picky eater because the texture of food was challenging for me. But now in adulthood, that has helped me to become quite a foodie.

[13:27] Like, now I get to be the adult version of a picky eater and just be a foodie and particular about the things that I find delicious. But I. I find things deeply delicious.

[13:37] And that’s really cool.

[13:39] And I get to choose whether I want to celebrate that or fall into the trap of self criticism and. And being frustrated with it. And I also get to listen to my system when it says it’s time to take a break.

[13:52] And it was a really cool practice for me in cultivating self trust, in cultivating that core sense of self efficacy, that, like, I am capable of taking care of myself, that I am capable of being good to myself, that I am not, not a bad person or wrong or a failure for choosing to set my podcast down for a couple of weeks.

[14:22] The truth is that many of y’ all might not have even noticed that I took a couple of weeks off. And those of you that did didn’t reach out to be like, hey, Kay, what’s going on?

[14:33] So, like, it was fine,

[14:35] but I know that I can get stuck in that trap,

[14:38] that perfectionist trap of, oh, I set these expectations.

[14:42] I used to do it this way, I’ve been doing it this way, I have to keep doing it that way.

[14:47] And it’s really beautiful to get to model for myself and to get to model for you.

[14:53] That we’re allowed to take breaks,

[14:56] we’re allowed to make changes in our life,

[15:00] we’re allowed to do things differently, even if some people might wish we did them the same.

[15:07] That we have full choice and agency and that we’re not actually confined by the choices that we make.

[15:16] Like, we can often choose something different.

[15:20] Just because this has been a weekly podcast doesn’t mean it has to be a weekly podcast forever. And spoiler, it is probably not going to be a weekly podcast forever.

[15:32] Part of what has become clear to me in this Mercury retrograde period,

[15:37] this period of review of my communication area of life,

[15:42] is that as much as I love this podcast and as much as I love getting to talk to really cool people and share my thoughts with you, there’s a lot of work on the back end and it’s not particularly sustainable for me to do this every week.

[15:56] And I have some sadness and some grief around that. But Part of honoring my own limitations and what’s true for me in terms of my capacity is recognizing that if I keep trying to show up every week,

[16:11] I’m gonna get sloppy. Like, it’s not gonna be good. I’m gonna stress myself out,

[16:16] and I’m not gonna be happy with the episodes or the outcomes.

[16:21] And the way to honor how much I love this podcast and how much I love you as my listeners and how grateful I am for all of the time that I’ve gotten to spend on this and for all of the time that you’ve spent with me is really making sure that I am showing up.

[16:38] Well, when I do show up, I don’t know if I’m going to go down to every other week. We might end up in an intermittent reward situation where, like, it’s going to be week and a half.

[16:49] Ish. Every. When I feel like it, I don’t know.

[16:52] But something is going to shift. So this is. This is your warning that I’m working on honoring my own limitations and bringing myself back to my own center and my own core and what truly, deeply matters to me and how I can spend the limited energy that I do have in ways that feel nourishing both to me and to my sense of purpose and meaning in the world.

[17:21] Doing this podcast is really important for my sense of purpose and meaning in the world.

[17:26] And that doesn’t mean it has to be weekly. That doesn’t mean it has to be on a set schedule. That doesn’t mean it has to be a routine of solo episodes and interview episodes.

[17:40] It just means I need to show up to the microphone when I feel connected and intuitively inspired. And,

[17:48] like, this is a nourishing experience for me. Because if it starts to become a chore, if it starts to become stressful, if it starts to become a burden or overwhelming, then I’m not honoring it.

[17:58] I’m not treating it with the love and respect that I want to be treating it with.

[18:04] If it’s an obligation,

[18:06] like, I don’t really. I don’t want this to be an obligation, especially because, like, y’ all aren’t paying to listen,

[18:11] and I want to keep it free.

[18:14] And so it’s not a job. It’s just something that I love,

[18:17] and I’m putting out into the world in a gesture of love and support.

[18:22] That being said,

[18:23] it would be really helpful to have some support around it. And so I’m opening up a Patreon.

[18:28] Um, I would absolutely love donations.

[18:32] It would really help me continue to keep this going.

[18:36] It feels edgy and scary to like, ask you to contribute.

[18:40] But if I don’t ask, then nobody can give me anything,

[18:44] right? Like, if we don’t open the doorway, then things can’t come through.

[18:49] And so that’s a bit of a stretch for me, but. But honoring my limitations is recognizing that, like,

[18:54] this isn’t financially sustainable for me long term unless something shifts and it isn’t energetically sustainable for me long term unless something shifts.

[19:05] And all of that’s okay.

[19:07] Like, all of that’s allowed.

[19:09] It’s okay.

[19:11] And it’s actually kind of beautiful to really get clear on, like, what our boundaries are so that we can stay centered and nourished and grounded and in our own beautiful power and energy.

[19:26] So my invitation to you,

[19:28] first of all, is to like, check in with your energy today.

[19:32] How does it feel, like, when you, like, close your eyes and like,

[19:36] get into that center of yourself?

[19:40] What color is it?

[19:42] How bright is it?

[19:44] How big is it? How does it feel today?

[19:47] And like,

[19:49] where do you need replenishing?

[19:51] And whether it’s helpful to imagine it or not, like, what areas of your life is it going towards that maybe it needs to and maybe it doesn’t. Like, like, what are your limits?

[20:04] What are the, like,

[20:06] boundaries or borders or greatest extent of ability in your life that need your attention?

[20:17] What’s calling to you in the sense of I have pushed past my limit,

[20:24] I need to retreat, or oh, I actually have more energy that could be going this direction. Just the invitation is to just check in with that.

[20:33] All of, all of this, all of the things that I am doing here are really about checking in with ourselves.

[20:42] Like having a little check in,

[20:44] having a little state of the relationship conversation with ourselves of like,

[20:50] where am I at? How am I doing? What do I need?

[20:54] What’s going on, buddy?

[20:56] So my invitation is to, is to take a few minutes to do that with yourself today.

[21:01] And yeah, I’d love to hear, like, what, what color is your energy today?

[21:06] What boundary or limitation did you discover in that process?

[21:10] And I’m just like imagining all of us in our beautiful little energetic snow globes, wandering around the world and being able to embrace each other and show up well and in our kind of full vibrance and capacity when we know kind of how big our bubble is and that we get to be excited about that.

[21:34] Like, I don’t know, that image just delighted me of like, yeah, like, we all get to have different sized bubbles.

[21:40] No, bigger isn’t necessarily better,

[21:44] you know,

[21:46] so that image delighted me and I hope you’ll play with that today and find something beautiful.

[21:56] Thank you so much for listening. If you enjoyed this episode, please help me grow the podcast by subscribing, leaving a review, and sharing it with anyone you think would benefit from hearing it too.

[22:06] Your support means the world to me.

[22:09] If you’d like to get updates about new episodes, posts and offerings,

[22:12] please visit settlingisbullshit.com to subscribe to my newsletter.

[22:16] You can also find information there about working with me one on one to build your most amazing life.

[22:22] Until next time, remember that I believe in you and that you are fucking awesome.