Getting Through the Messy Middle

Any time we’re making changes in our lives, any time we’re learning something new, any time the universe throws us a curve ball – there’s usually a big chunk of mess we have to wade through to get to the other side. This episode goes out to anyone who’s feeling stuck in that muck.

Sometimes things are just shitty for a while. Sometimes we’re in limbo with nothing we can do about it. Sometimes we’re just bad at stuff while we try to get our feet back under us. And when we’re really just in it, that’s when we need an extra bit of help.

So, this episode is your pep talk for getting through the messy middle, for remembering that acceptance, community support, and cultivating hope are all tools you can reach for (even if you don’t feel like it).

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Resources, References, and Links

The Insidious Grip of a Fixed Mindset.

Hope Isn’t a Feeling – It’s a Choice.

Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACE’s). Traumatic events that happen between the ages of 0-17. 

Transcript

Note: this transcript was generated by AI. Please forgive any malapropisms and misspellings. It’s the robot’s fault! Also, sorry for the lack of timestamps. I’m using a less-expensive platform, and I’ve got to work with what it offers.

Cate Blouke (00:00)

any certainly creative process that I’ve been through, whether it’s writing, whether it’s this podcast, whether it’s art, there’s this point in the process where I’m like, is terrible, what am I even doing? This episode is really about normalizing that, saying that that is just part of the process, that we have to go down into the depths in order to…

climb the other side of the valley. And if we want to get better at things, like if we want to improve our creative practices, if we want to improve our capacity to communicate, to be self-compassionate, to have healthy boundaries, it’s always gonna be clunky. I think the point that I’m trying to get across in this episode is that

What there is to do is not give up.

And welcome to Settling is Bullshit, a sweary podcast about claiming your joy. If you are craving healthier boundaries, a greater sense of purpose, or an increased capacity to feel at ease in your own skin, then you are in the right place, my friend. I’m your host, Kate Blauch, joy activist and life coach to smart and sensitive humans. I’m here to offer you practical tools and playful encouragement to step forward and be your most awesome self.

My hope is that each episode will leave you feeling a bit more empowered to make brave choices and claim your joy.

Hello, my love. Today’s episode goes out to anyone who is in the muck, who’s in the messy middle of whatever life change, transition, ⁓ big event is happening, and you’re just in the phase where things are trash. They feel just exhausting and impossible, and it’s never gonna get

better, it’s never gonna end. Maybe the end is in sight, maybe it isn’t, but you’re just in that stuck place of something has shifted and the like yummy, beautiful, wonderful thing on the other side is like way too far in the distance. If that’s the place that you’re in, this one’s for you.

That is very much the place that I was in last fall when I started going back to school. I am now in the phase where, like, the end is in sight, I’m feeling optimistic again. Like, I have gotten through the messy middle and just recently had an experience that I wanted to share with you. And…

I’m therefore in a space to be able to offer a little pep talk, a little like, you can do it because I know you can. But I also know that like when we’re in that space, it’s really hard to access this sense of things are gonna get better. There’s, you know, gonna be a, I don’t know about reward, but on the other side of this experience, I’m going to be, if not grateful for having to go through it, at least be able to see

what it did for me. And so I want this episode to be available for when I’m in this place again, because I know I will be, because that’s just the cycle of life. We go through these experiences and ideally, it’s kind of an upward spiral that our lives and our personal growth and our personal development and our self-awareness and our self-reflection improves as we age, as time goes by, as we do the work. And then

And then something happens and we kind of fall back down the spiral a little bit, or at least that’s what it feels like. And then we have to kind of get the momentum again to keep trudging upwards. And so what I know to be true, both from my own experience from what I’ve witnessed from my sponsors, from my clients, from my friends, is that on the other side of the messy middle, there is hope.

and optimism and learning. And I also know that like when I’m in the messy middle and somebody’s like, you know, on the end of this, you’re going to be so much better. I kind of want to punch them in the face. Not actually, I’m not remotely violent, but like, it’s so annoying. So I’m going to try not to be super annoying. But I want to normalize the experience. I want you to feel seen and to just

really remind you that like even though you’re in the muck, even though you might feel like it’s not gonna get better, that this has been going on for forever, that nothing’s ever gonna change, feelings aren’t facts, you know? And feelings don’t last forever. And sometimes what there is to do is just be where we are, even when we don’t like it.

That’s definitely a key aspect of recovery is that those of us who struggle with alcoholism and addiction tried to run from our feelings. We tried to not have to be in the goo. We tried to not have to be in the discomfort. And the reality is that for most of us, not just addicts and alcoholics, but like for most normal ass people that I have witnessed, discomfort

is what pushes us to grow. It’s what pushes us to change. They’re not called growing pains for no reason. And while physiologically, ⁓ actual growing pains might be many decades behind most of us, most of you who are listening, the emotional growing pains of life, of being a human, having a human experience and being pushed

to continue to evolve. Like, they’re just inevitable. We can’t get out of them. And once we can get to a place of accepting that, of just accepting when we’re in the messy middle, it becomes a lot easier to not let it overwhelm us. Let me put it that way. Like, it doesn’t become easier to, like, be in the messy middle. But it at least allows me to kind of set down

the thought spiral or the narrative that like tries to make it worse. The concept of acceptance isn’t about liking something or disliking something or getting to this like zen place of serenity. I mean, if you can get there, great, kudos to you, I rarely can. But what accepting

the reality of being in the messy middle, of being the goo, of just like things are kind of shitty right now, that’s just the fact. It helps to like take out the kind of emotional charge of ⁓ frustration or despair. I like to say that like acceptance is when we stop fighting with reality. And for me,

Last fall, I went back to school to get the prerequisite classes I needed to be able to apply for an art therapy program, which meant I was taking art classes for the first time in my life, really, which meant I was like new and bad at it.

And it was so frustrating and it felt like I was never gonna get better. And I was like overwhelmed and stressed out a lot and comparing myself to other people. And it was kind of terrible, which is mostly why you didn’t really hear from me much last fall is because I was just like in the muck. And when we’re in the muck, we don’t have a lot of energy. I didn’t have a lot of access to the sort of hope and optimism and joy and exuberance that I like to bring to this podcast.

And I also was taking an overload and so just didn’t have the bandwidth for episodes. Because as any of you who’ve been listening for a while know, I’m willing to show up in the mess. But when we’re in that mucky new place, when we can just accept that, like, yeah, I’m in the muck. It really does help to dissipate the parts of us, the old stories that can…

come swirling up. Part of my journey has been really working on shifting a fixed mindset into a growth mindset. There’s an episode in post about that. I’ll link to it in the show notes. But fixed mindset says, other people have this talent, I don’t. I can’t do the thing. And for me, like I very much had a narrative that I couldn’t draw. I wasn’t an artist. I couldn’t make art.

I had that for a long time, which is why in my 40s is when I’m actually taking art classes. And what I have discovered in just two quarters is that I am actually capable. It’s just hard. It was just really hard for a while because it’s hard to be bad at things. But I was working on a self-portrait assignment for my painting class. This is like I’m taking painting two.

right now and so this is now the third self-portrait I have had to paint. And let me tell you the first one last fall was absolutely horrific. In terms of the emotional experience of it. I hated every minute of it. I was in despair. I wanted to set my paint fucking supplies on fire because it was just like in the muck. I was like, this is hard and it doesn’t feel like I’m going to get any better and I hate what’s happening. It was bad. It was super bad. And

When I got the assignment this term, I was like, oh God, I don’t wanna do this again. But because I’ve been kind of through this cycle before, it hasn’t been as bad. And when I got to the point in my painting, which I have now learned, like there’s always a point where I’m just like, this is horrific looking, like what is going on? This is terrifying. And this time I had the experience to know that like I’m gonna keep working on it and it’s gonna get better.

that any certainly creative process that I’ve been through, whether it’s writing, whether it’s this podcast, whether it’s art, there’s this point in the process where I’m like, is terrible, what am I even doing? But when we can understand that we’re gonna hit that point in any phase of change, whether it’s when we’re going through the steps in recovery, that’s usually steps four and nine, or when we’re like, this is terrible, I hate everything, I’m a terrible person, why am I doing this?

But this episode is really about normalizing that, saying that that is just part of the process. That we have to go down into the depths in order to climb the other side of the valley. And if we want to…

get better at things. Like if we want to improve our creative practices, if we want to improve our capacity to communicate, to be self-compassionate, to have healthy boundaries, it’s always going to be clunky when we’re doing something new, when we’re trying to make positive changes.

in any area of our lives. Like, when we’re trying to get back into exercise and our body hurts and it feels terrible and we’re like, why are we doing this? I think the point that I’m trying to get across in this episode is that what there is to do is not give up. We don’t have to like it. We don’t have to feel optimistic. We don’t have to feel hopeful. We don’t even have to believe that, like, the shit I’m pitching in this episode is necessarily true. You can be eye rolling the shit out of…

What’s coming out of my mouth? You can be like, okay Kate fucking whatever I hate you and that’s fine. I can hold that right now that the point is just that when we can understand that like this is just part of the process and keep putting one foot in front of the other and Trust we’re gonna get to the other side and it might not be perfect It might not be exactly what we wanted. It might not be like amazing but it

it will be better eventually. That when we can access that, when I can access that, it makes it less awful to be in the muck. A metaphor I love to share that I probably have shared on this podcast before, but that is always helpful for me to remember, right, is that when a caterpillar becomes a butterfly, they make that little chrysalis for themselves and then they turn to goo.

Like they’re just goo for a while. And I don’t imagine that’s a comfortable process. Like they go from having a body to like being goo. And so that’s what I mean when I say like when we’re in the goo. When we have had whatever experience it was, whether it’s a breakup, whether it’s being laid off, whether it’s, you know, having to move, you know, whatever has happened, whether it’s getting sober.

that has forced us to lose our structure, to lose the ways in which we have previously been and be forced to change into something new. There’s just a period in which we’re the goo and it is uncomfortable and it sucks. But when we can listen to podcasts like this,

or spiritual teachers or ⁓ pick up resources that help us remember that there is another side to this. It makes it less terrible. And so that’s been my hope with this episode is that just hearing me say again and again that where you are is normal, what there is to do is not give up, and there is gonna be a light at the end of the tunnel and hope on the other side.

Hopefully you feel a little bit lighter and you’re able to access your own inner wisdom, your higher self, your relationship to your higher power, whatever it is in your life that you turn to when you need reassurance, when you need to believe, when you need that like oomph to help you keep putting that foot in front of the other. ⁓ My invitation is to reach out to that.

As someone in 12-step recovery, I have a relationship with a power greater than myself. Spirituality serves me really well in these moments, especially when I remember to reach for it. Part of the reason that I have to keep going to meetings is because I need the reminder that I have a higher power that is actually on my side and not punitive or cruel or fucking with me.

and that it’s like available and accessible. this is, know, whether you’re particularly spiritual or in recovery, like this is your reminder that even if it’s just your future higher self, that you have access to something that wants what’s best for you and that can offer encouragement and reassurance and a sense of safety.

So my invitation is to reach for that, whatever that is, you know, whether it’s a trusted friend, whether it’s a therapist, whether it’s prayer and meditation, or whether it’s authors, podcasts, videos, like what is it that is going to bring you comfort, reassurance, and encouragement right now? What is it that you need in order to

Access your own sense of safety and stability and hope. I have an entire episode and post about how hope is a mental process and I’ll link to it in the show notes, but the rundown is that like hope is not a feeling. It’s not an emotion. It’s something that we have to actively cultivate and that typically takes effort, right? It’s something that we can train our brain to look towards. It’s something that we can access.

when we put in the effort, but it’s not typically something that just like emerges on its own. And the components of hope are a goal, a pathway, and a sense of agency, right? Here’s the thing that I’m working towards, here’s how I see I can get there, and I fundamentally believe that I am capable of getting there. And so maybe check in with yourself about where are you shaky?

If that’s like a little three-legged stool, you know, or you’re on, trying to balance on one leg right now, or you’re like, see the thing, but I don’t know how the fuck I’m gonna get there and I don’t believe it’s possible. Or you’re either like, I see the thing, I know how to get there, but I don’t believe it’s possible. Or you’re like, see the thing and you believe it’s possible, but you don’t know how get there. Like wherever you are in that, kind of check in. And reach for…

If nothing else, someone in your life who can help you think that through, who you can talk aloud about that with and hopefully get some perspective. I know that when I’m in the muck and when I’m in the despair and when I’m in the like, this is awful and I don’t know that it’s going to get better, that’s when I really need to get out of my own head. That’s when I really need to talk to somebody to get somebody else to believe in it for me.

And so wherever you are, who in your life will believe for you? Who in your life is a good cheerleader? Who in your life is gonna know and see you and have the perspective to know that you can get through this and like call that fucking person and tell them, hey, I need some cheerleading today because we all need cheerleaders.

I’ve been taking a human development class this term as one of my prereqs, and it was really interesting to me that children, so like pre-adolescent children, tend to be barring, you know, abuse and adverse childhood experiences. ⁓ But like regular ass kids tend to be like pretty happy.

Like they go through life like thinking things are pretty alright. And then they hit like nine or ten. They hit puberty and everything goes to shit. I shouldn’t be laughing about this, but it was really remarkable to look at the graph. It’s like they do these studies where like a little notification will go off randomly during the day and you kind of select your emotional state at the time.

And like kids tend to be pretty happy. Like they’re, pretty all right. And then puberty hits and it just fucking tanks. Like it’s like a 50 % drop. It’s just like puberty hits and everything’s terrible. And I, and I think that like puberty is also just when like all of the messaging and the bullying and the like, whatever starts to accumulate and we internalize those messages.

And I think from there, it’s just an uphill battle to get back to that more originary, natural sense of okayness in the world, of happiness and of access to I am safe and things are gonna be okay. And especially if we had adverse childhood experiences, if we abuse or bullying or neglect early on.

It’s even harder to access that sense of safety and wellbeing and hope and trust in the universe. But for the most part, we don’t come into the world all like fucked up and demoralized. Like that’s just kind of like what happens over the course of growing into an adult. And so my point is that like the stuff that happened to us

didn’t stem from us. That the world and the people around us are responsible for the kind of damage that we have to heal and work through and figure out how to live with as adults. And so

You know, the damage didn’t happen in solitude and we don’t heal in solitude is the point that I’m working towards is that we need community, we need other people, we need care. And like now more than ever in these dark and fascist and overwhelming times, we need to reach for each other. We need to give people the opportunity to show up for us when we’re struggling because one of the core tenants of

recovery of, I believe, most religious practices around the world is being of service, is showing up for other people, and that is one of the best tools for getting out of our shit. But I want to be very clear that when we are in the muck, sometimes it can be helpful to reach out to other people and try to be helpful to them, but that can also be a, I don’t want to look at my shit, so I’m gonna just focus on other people strategy, especially if you struggle with people pleasing.

You know, I’m just checking in with with who I think my audience is right now, right? Is is that sometimes the big growth edge is letting other people help you is letting other people see that we’re struggling is being honest and open about being in the muck and like letting people show up That can be part of the growth edge, you know, honestly, I think in the big scheme of things when I think about

the like mucky periods that I have been through, that has certainly been part of my growth process and my growth edge is that I internalized the idea that I had to do everything on my own, that I had to take care of me and nobody was gonna show up for me, et cetera. And so part of my growth in these times of muckiness is letting the people in my life now who I know love me.

Like letting them know what’s going on and letting them help. Letting them show up. Like when people offer things saying like, yes, actually, you can help me with that. Whether it’s, you know, putting together fucking IKEA furniture or when somebody asks like, do you need anything? Saying like, yes, could you bring me soup? ⁓ Like if I’m sick, you know, or whatever. Or yes, could you come over?

and be with me while I do this thing that I don’t really want to do. I really have seen for myself and for many people in my life, most of whom to be clear are in recovery because that’s just what my life looks like, many of us struggle with like letting other people help us. So if you’re in the goo right now, my other invitation, my encouragement,

My request of you is to let the people in your life who do exist, who do love you, let them show up for you. And that might just be a phone call. It might be something bigger, but even just reaching out and asking for a pep talk, reaching out and asking for a book recommendation or a thing to do will hopefully help.

to both give you access to a tool, give you access to some sense of encouragement, but also it’ll just give you access to the reminder that like you are loved. That even when we’re in the muck, even when we’re in the part where things feel terrible, we are still loved. You are still loved. And it’s super important to access that in whatever ways we can.

So this is your encouragement and reminder and high five and hug and your encouraging poster to hang in there. But like, it will get better whether you can see that horizon or not. It’s out there and what there is to do is to lean on the people who can remind you. So this is me reminding you.

This is me reminding future me, and I just hope that wherever you are and whatever you’re doing, you take a moment to really let yourself feel loved today.

Thank you so much for listening. If you enjoyed this episode, please help me grow the podcast by subscribing, leaving a review, and sharing it with anyone you think would benefit from hearing it too. Your support means the world to me. If you’d like to get updates about new episodes, posts, and offerings, please visit settlingisbullshit.com to subscribe to my newsletter. You can also find information there about working with me one-on-one to build your most amazing life. Until next time, remember that I believe in you, and that you are fucking awesome!