Consciously Choosing the Costs of Love

A reflection in the midst of heartache, this episode touches on what it means to be in relationship – with ourselves and with others (and with the pets that we have to eventually let go). There are costs to love – sometimes hidden, often overlooked, but almost always worth it.

Your invitation with this listen is to come home to the love within and to consciously choose to show up in love today – in whatever corner of your life needs it most.

Content note: I had to put my cat to sleep last week, and I talk about it here, though not in any detail. So this is also an episode about grief and gratitude.

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Resources, References, and Links

Embracing the Messy Sides of Self-love with Dawn Church. 

Transcript

Note: this transcript was generated by AI. Please forgive any malapropisms and misspellings. It’s the robot’s fault!

You know, when I think about all of the ways in which I could truly show myself love—like be in relationship with myself by doing my laundry, doing my dishes, flossing—genuinely taking care of myself is not fun or convenient. But there are beautiful and fun and wonderful upsides to that too. I think in relationship, in community, it’s always about finding a balance. It’s always a dance of doing the things that are necessary to care for and nourish and support that dynamic.

Welcome to Settling is Bullshit, a sweary podcast about claiming your joy. If you are craving healthier boundaries, a greater sense of purpose, or an increased capacity to feel at ease in your own skin, then you are in the right place, my friend. I’m your host, Kate Blouke, joy activist and life coach to smart and sensitive humans. I’m here to offer you practical tools and playful encouragement to step forward and be your most awesome self. My hope is that each episode will leave you feeling a bit more empowered to make brave choices and claim your joy.

Hello, my friend. Wherever you are today, whatever time of day it is that you’re listening, I hope that you have remembered and really felt that you are loved today.

If you follow me on Instagram, you may have seen my post a week or so ago that I had to put my cat down—and it sucked. It really sucked. It was sudden and unexpected and the right thing to do and also awful.

One of the things I wrote in my brief post about it was that that is the cost of love. That the cost of love, especially when it comes to our pets, is heartbreak.

Obviously I’ve been grieving and thinking a lot about what I may or may not want to say about all of this. And that idea has been sitting with me—that anytime we get a pet, we are signing up for having to say goodbye.

I remember a couple of years ago I was on a first date with some guy and we were talking about pets. He was basically like, “Why would you get a pet? You’re just signing up for heartbreak. It’s not worth it.” And I didn’t see that guy again. Because it is worth it. Like, it is worth it.

I’ve been thinking about the ways in which love in general is worth it—and the effort involved. We talk about unconditional love, which is super important and something that we all deserve and is lovely. But unconditional love doesn’t mean it’s free.

I imagine I’m probably going to say a lot of little trite phrases in this episode, but you know—nothing in life is free. And I think it’s really important to think about that and be aware of it when we are trying to be in relationship.

A while ago I heard this quote—and I fucking wish I could cite it for you. I do like to cite my sources—but I heard somewhere the idea that the cost of community is inconvenience. It might have been that the cost of relationships is inconvenience. But community is relationships are relationships.

So I’ve been thinking about that in terms of how love is inconvenient. That that’s one of the hidden costs many of us don’t think about—or we get tripped up around when we’re frustrated with our partners or the people in our lives.

The cost of love is inconvenience. The cost of love is compromise. The cost of love is sometimes putting other people’s needs in front of our own. And yes, that can be annoying. But it’s also so fucking worth it.

I’ve been thinking about this especially in terms of self-care. Back in the early days of the podcast, I had Dawn Church on to talk about the messy side of self-love and self-care—the ways in which love and doing the right thing often isn’t easy, often isn’t convenient.

When I think about all of the ways I could truly show myself love—doing my laundry, doing my dishes, flossing—genuinely taking care of myself is not fun or convenient. But there are beautiful and wonderful upsides to that too.

In relationship, in community, it’s always about finding a balance. It’s always a dance of doing the things that are necessary to care for and nourish and support that dynamic.

We don’t get to just pop into our friends’ lives here and there and have the support we want and need. If we’re not talking to someone for six months, we’re probably not going to have the kind of dynamic intimate relationship we may want—unless that’s just how that friendship works.

In general, as with growing a little houseplant, you’ve got to water it. You’ve got to give it the nourishment it needs. Relationships are very much like that.

It’s not free. There’s a give and take. There’s reciprocity in any relationship—whether it’s with ourselves, with our friends, with our partners, or with our pets.

Part of really giving and receiving love is a sense of responsibility. An obligation to show up and do the things we don’t necessarily want to do all the time.

And I think it’s helpful to hear that reminder and get grounded in it.

This is a podcast for recovering people pleasers, for folks who struggle with boundaries. And so it’s really important to center ourselves in that dynamic.

There’s this idea that putting my needs first is selfish. And from this particular perspective, I’m really trying to encourage us to put our oxygen masks on first—to check in and ask, “What do I need?”

Because the primary relationship in our lives is the one we have with ourselves.

And that’s not free either. We have to show up for that. We have to do the things our system is telling us we need, whether we like it or not.

Especially as I’m aging, the obligations I have to my body are making themselves more and more known. I used to be a long-distance runner. I was looking through old photos last night.

I haven’t been running for about a year now—partly because I haven’t really been willing to do the PT and exercises required to allow me to run again.

I’ve been thinking about the trade-offs we have to make.

In The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fck* by Mark Manson, he talks about choosing our suffering. Nothing in life is free.

He talks about this in the context of entrepreneurship—pursuing the life we want and recognizing that with all the benefits and excitement, there’s always a shit side.

Cohabitation with a partner means you have to put up with their stuff. Their tics. The things that will inevitably drive you crazy. Because that’s part of being human around other humans.

No matter how wonderful someone is, we are not the same. I am not you. You are not me.

There will be things you do that drive me bananas and things I do that drive you bananas. That’s just what it is to be human.

We have to be thoughtful about where we’re willing to compromise and what is actually a deal breaker in all areas of our life.

For me, it is worth it to have however long with a wonderful magical little creature in my home and then have to make the hard decision and say goodbye.

This was the first time I had to make the decision to euthanize an animal. It was awful.

But I’ve found comfort in my friendships—in the people who showed up to support me in ways that were inconvenient to them. And in knowing I made the right choice.

Even though I only got four years with that cat—which feels like some cosmic bullshit—they were four really great years.

That cat was the fucking best.

When I’m navigating heartbreak—whether it’s this kind of loss or the end of a friendship or romantic relationship—I remind myself that I get to choose my narrative. I get to choose the meaning I make.

With romantic relationships especially, I ask: What did this relationship grow in me? What did it show me?

I try to appreciate the love we did share and use it as evidence that connection is possible.

We find evidence of what we’re looking for. We get to choose our stories.

When love ends or there’s a rupture that can’t be repaired, I get to choose how I make meaning of it.

With my cat, he came into my life because I couldn’t decide about a dog. I fostered a cat and found the perfect one.

I got four beautiful years.

Even though I’m still heartbroken, it’s more helpful to choose gratitude. I got four years—more than I would have otherwise.

And now I’m a different person than I was four years ago. I feel more prepared to make an informed dog decision. So stay tuned.

But it’s important to grieve. Not to jump from one thing to another without honoring the experience.

I mostly wanted to hop on because this is what’s on my mind.

This podcast is, in many ways, an opportunity for me to explore what’s going on and create an archive for my future self—and hopefully be of use to you.

I gave myself permission in this episode to just sit down and record without worrying whether it’s especially useful or engaging.

But my hope is that if there’s a relationship in your life that feels crunchy right now, you take time to reflect.

What are the beautiful, yummy, wonderful things about it? What called you to it in the first place?

Then look at what’s at the root of the frustration or grief.

And ask: Is this worth it?

Love and connection shouldn’t be draining overall. On the grand scale, we should come out better for it—or at least neutral.

If I leave encounters feeling drained, that’s something to pay attention to.

That said, people go through periods where they’ll be draining. So take the bigger view.

But we are responsible for our own needs and energy. Not showing up depleted. Not giving what we don’t have.

If you’re approaching love from scarcity, it’s easy to become a doormat. To let people trespass boundaries. To put up with shit because you don’t think there will be enough.

Invitation number two: remember that the universe is abundant and loving.

Zoom in. Set aside the chaos of the world for a moment. Circle into your center.

There is love present in your life. It is available to you. You are loved. You are loving. You are lovable.

You don’t have to put up with terrible bullshit. People being mean, shaming, demeaning—that’s not worth it.

People being a little flaky or loading the dishwasher wrong? That might be worth the trade-off.

As I think about getting a new pet, I’m conscious that a dog means obligation—walks, responsibility.

But the trade-off? No litter box in my house.

With my cat, that was the cost I was willing to pay.

Now I get to choose different costs.

That’s my heartfelt ramble for today.

I love this podcast—even if I haven’t been able to give it the attention I’d like lately.

It fills my cup to be here and record—even if the “for you” is just future me.

I hope this left you uplifted and reminded of the abundance of love available—especially when we start with ourselves.

Last week, I gave myself permission not to push. That was loving.

Showing up here today felt loving.

Now I’ll gently exercise and re-enter life. That’s loving too.

Invitation number three: ask yourself what’s the loving thing to do today—for yourself first, then for someone else.

The more we show up in love, the more it ripples outward.

I’m sending you lots of love today, and I hope you reflect it outward too.

Thank you so much for listening. If you enjoyed this episode, please help me grow the podcast by subscribing, leaving a review, and sharing it with anyone who would benefit.

Your support means the world to me.

If you’d like updates about new episodes and offerings, visit settlingisbullshit.com to subscribe to my newsletter. You can also find information there about working with me one-on-one to build your most amazing life.

Until next time, remember that I believe in you—and that you are fucking awesome.