If You’re Feeling Like a F*ck Up…

Interrupting my season break with a spontaneous love note to anyone struggling with self-doubt, self-criticism, or the shitty fucking stories that like to get their grips on us. In particular, this is for my NeuroSpicy folks, my friends in recovery, and anyone who just feels like it’s impossible to fit into the box of what “normal” is supposed to look like.

Here’s your pep talk, here’s your empathy, here’s your reminder that the voice that’s telling you you’re not enough is a liar, and it’s mean, and you’re not alone in the feeling.

xoxox

Will be officially back from break in a few more weeks.

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Transcript

[00:00] Hello my dears. I am interrupting my own season break with a special episode announcement of the message that I felt like I needed to hear today and wanted to then share with you instead of waiting a few weeks.

[00:16] I’ve got some really fun cool shit going on in the background that will be burst into the world sometime in April when I come back officially for season three.

[00:29] But in case you’re on the fucking struggle bus right now,

[00:34] I just wanted to share this little love note with you because I needed to say it today and I needed to hear it today. And maybe it’s timely for you as well in the midst of the astrological shenanigans that are occurring in March of 2025.

[00:54] But you know, this is also pretty timeless, so whenever you’re listening to it,

[01:00] I hope that it just feels like a hug.

[01:06] Welcome to Settling is Bullshit A Sweary podcast about claiming your joy if you are an adult human craving healthier boundaries, a greater sense of purpose, or an increased capacity to feel at ease in your own skin, then you are in the right place, my friend.

[01:23] I’m your host, Cate Blouke, and I’m here to offer you practical tools and playful encouragement to help you step forward and be your most awesome self. My hope is that each episode will leave you feeling a bit more empowered to make brave choices and claim your joy.

[01:41] Hello darling.

[01:43] If you clicked on this episode, I imagine that maybe today is a hard day, or maybe it’s been a hard week,

[01:52] or maybe you’re just in a place in your life where this particular story of feeling like a fuck up is loud.

[02:01] Maybe you’re in a period of transition.

[02:03] Maybe things are just hard and not going the way that you want them to.

[02:08] And I’m here to say that I get it, that I’ve been there too, and that particular story is trying to get its grips into me today.

[02:18] Which is why I decided to sit down and record.

[02:23] This message is for you and for future me to come back to and to just hear someone say that that is a lie.

[02:32] That you are not a fuck up.

[02:35] That’s just a story. It’s not even a feeling. That’s not even a real feeling. Feelings are happy, sad, melancholy, morose,

[02:46] depressed, disappointed. Like those are all feelings. But fuck up is not a feeling. It’s just a really mean story that our heads have absorbed at some point and are trying to feed us.

[03:02] And they’re not. It’s not true.

[03:04] So this episode goes out to any of my neuro spicy fellow humans who have this or some version of this as a, like,

[03:15] broken record that likes to come up when we’re on the struggle bus of trying to meet cultural expectations of what quote unquote, normal is.

[03:27] Especially for those of us who are neurodiverse who struggle with ADHD or autism or high sensitivity.

[03:38] It can be so overwhelming to try to fit into the box of what quote unquote we’re supposed to be or how we’re supposed to be able to show up.

[03:48] And I know for me,

[03:51] I can get so downtrodden and demoralized when I just fucking can’t.

[03:57] And this story that, like, I’m a fuck up, that because I cannot function in a 9 to 5 job environment because I cannot handle,

[04:09] you know, watching scary movies or really intense TV shows that everybody loves because I can’t fucking manage to get whatever enough work is done on a given day. Like that story that I’m a fuck up gets real loud.

[04:31] And it’s so untrue and so painful and so mean.

[04:37] And something that I’ve talked about with clients and that I’ve talked about with my coach that’s just been really helpful in the last year or two when that story has come up is to just flip it that it’s not that I’m a fuck up.

[04:52] It’s that normal, quote unquote, normal work environments, quote unquote, normal social expectations fuck me up.

[05:00] And I think there’s something really beautiful in giving myself the gift of making it like, not an internalized thing that I don’t actually want in my system and really taking a look at the world around me and saying, like, it’s not that I don’t fit, it’s that this doesn’t fit me.

[05:20] Like, fuck your 9 to 5 job.

[05:22] And it’s really hard to hold on to that. Like, even as I just said that, my, my heart sank and I was thinking about any of you who are listening who have a 9 to 5 job and can make that work, but maybe have other stories that come in,

[05:37] in just like where we’re supposed to be at this point in our life,

[05:42] whether that’s in the relationship arena, in the financial arena, in the career arena, in the procreation arena,

[05:51] in the homeownership arena. Like, there’s just so many arenas of life that it is really easy to look at what other people are doing or not doing and, and say, I’m not enough.

[06:05] I don’t have that. So I’m a fuck up.

[06:08] I haven’t accomplished this. So I’m a fuck up. You know, And I just ache for the pain that that story causes me and my clients and anyone who’s listening who can relate to this.

[06:24] And an exercise that I have found really helpful when this kind of mean story comes up is to write it down. Like, whatever the story is, whether it’s this specific flavor or,

[06:38] you know, a version of I’m not enough, or, I mean, which actually I’m a fuck up is a version of I’m not enough.

[06:46] Because enoughness would, would mean not being a fuck up, right?

[06:51] God, even. And I’m just glad to be sitting here and talking about this with you, whoever you are, whenever you are, wherever you are. Because the more I say this ridiculous thing out loud,

[07:03] this ridiculous lie, like, just saying it out loud of like, oh, I’m a fuck up. Like, I hear myself say it and I’m like, that’s not true.

[07:11] That’s absurd.

[07:13] But the exercise is in naming this kind of insidious, shitty story that we got from somewhere and that has been playing on loop. To write it down,

[07:27] to say it out loud, to say, okay, story, I see you,

[07:32] and then to take a couple of deep breaths, to get centered, whatever that looks like for you, and to come back to it and to write out what the truth is, what your truth is.

[07:47] Because I don’t honestly care where you are in your life.

[07:52] You know,

[07:54] if you’re struggling with addiction, if you’re on the other side of a relationship breakup, like, you know, it doesn’t matter. Like, it’s not true. You’re not a fuck up. You’re a human on this, like, ride of human existence.

[08:10] And I fundamentally believe that you’re doing the best you can.

[08:14] And I also fundamentally believe that we all have opportunities to grow and strive and continue to do better.

[08:21] Because, like, that’s what the ride of life is.

[08:25] It’s not. It’s not. I mean, sometimes it feels like a merry go round or a Ferris wheel or whatever,

[08:31] but that’s not what is actually going on. Like the rite of life is some version of a roller coaster and it’s just a very long one. And sometimes it’s got the death drops and sometimes it’s more chill, you know,

[08:49] but because our bodies age because the world around us changes. Like,

[08:56] it’s not just the same thing forever.

[09:00] And that’s what it means to be human.

[09:03] So wherever you are,

[09:06] whether you’re at the, like, low point of the rollercoaster drop, and it wasn’t a fun one,

[09:12] you know,

[09:13] wherever we are,

[09:16] we’re not fuck ups,

[09:18] we’re just not. I just don’t believe in that.

[09:22] But the exercise,

[09:24] See, and you know what? Like, the story wants to get its grip on the fact that this episode is rambly because I’m in my feels today and in my ADHD today,

[09:38] but I’m not gonna let it. And one of the fundamental principles that I’m trying to embody in this podcast is normalizing the struggle. Normalizing. Not having everything perfect buttoned up,

[09:55] not having our emotions perfectly buttoned up, not having to show up in this particular way or this particular version of having our quote unquote shit together in order to be useful and professional, whatever that means,

[10:15] successful, et cetera. And it’s okay to be who we are and how we are and to trust that what we’re doing is good enough, that perfectionism is a lie.

[10:31] So the exercise is to come back to the bullshit story, whatever it is,

[10:41] once we’ve gotten a little bit grounded, a little bit centered,

[10:45] and to write out our truth.

[10:47] And so for me, when the I’m a fuck up story comes up and I can come back to myself,

[10:54] as I’m doing in this moment, talking into this podcast that I made happen,

[11:01] that I’ve been making happen very consistently for over a year now,

[11:07] like, the truth is I fucking made this.

[11:11] I’m not a fuck up. I’m somebody who can make a podcast and put it out there in its imperfection,

[11:17] knowing that it’s going to be helpful to whoever chooses to listen,

[11:23] that I don’t have to please everyone, always, all the time,

[11:28] in order for what I’m doing to be useful and good and worthy.

[11:33] And the truth is I have made a really big difference in a lot of people’s lives.

[11:39] The truth is that friends have come and gone, relationships have come and gone,

[11:46] but I have been kind and behaved in ways that offered grace and compassion to myself and others that I’ve gotten better at that over time.

[12:00] The truth is that I’m still in process of redefining what success means for myself.

[12:06] The truth is that patriarchal, capitalistic definitions of success fuck me up and aren’t what I’m trying to participate in. So I’m not a fuck up. That shit’s fucked up.

[12:22] The American dream, the like baby boomer ideal of where we’re supposed to be in our life right now, whatever age we’re at, just doesn’t apply. It’s a different world, it’s a different economy.

[12:34] And to take it even further back than that, like, evolutionarily, we are not designed to be living in isolation. We are not designed to be taking care of ourselves all the time by ourselves.

[12:48] That’s not how we’re wired. It’s just how we’ve evolved or how,

[12:54] you know, the economy and the industrial revolution have changed our way of life. I don’t think we’ve evolved to actually be able to cope with any of the shit that’s going on right now.

[13:04] And for, for those of us who are neurodivergent, like, that’s more apparent than ever.

[13:13] And so if you need to hear it today, like, it’s not your fault,

[13:18] you’re not broken, you’re not wrong.

[13:21] The system is broken. And the circumstances in which we are living were not designed for us.

[13:27] And that’s not our fault. That doesn’t make us fuck ups. It doesn’t make us broken or ill equipped or whatever that mean voice wants to say.

[13:39] It does make it harder.

[13:41] It makes it a lot fucking harder. And that’s super not fair. And it is really exhausting and it’s totally understandable if you’re feeling defeated or depressed or deflated or exhausted or wanting to give up or throw in the towel, like, all of that makes fucking sense.

[14:02] And I wish I could wave a magic wand and like, make the world better for those of us for whom it is not designed.

[14:11] And maybe actually that’s what I’m doing right now. This is my fairy dust, this is my prayer to the universe. This is my call, this is my drop in the bucket of taking a stand for those of us for whom this system just doesn’t work is saying it out loud,

[14:32] putting it out there,

[14:34] amplifying literally on a podcast, that message and that voice to say,

[14:42] shit’s fucked up and it’s not our fault.

[14:44] And it sucks that we have to navigate this bullshit.

[14:50] And if you’re listening and you relate, you’re not alone.

[14:54] It can get so lonely and isolating when this story gets a grip on us,

[15:00] you know, Because I know if I reach out to, like, anybody,

[15:05] not just like anybody, if I reach out to anybody in my life that is on the list of people that I would reach out to, they are gonna tell me, oh my God, Kate, you are not a fuck up.

[15:15] What are you talking about? And the beautiful thing, even just thinking about that, I can hear all of the different ways that the people who love me would say that.

[15:26] Some people might say it like, oh my God, what are you talking about? You’re not a fuck up. But others would be like, oh my God, I love you so much and I’M so sorry that your brain is telling you that I think you’re fucking amazing.

[15:39] And that’s the magic of all of us being different humans as we all get to say things in our own voice. And you have a voice that matters.

[15:48] You matter.

[15:49] And I really want you to like feel that in your soul today that you matter and that you do have something unique and valuable and beautiful and precious to offer on whatever scale feels comfortable for you to offer it,

[16:09] whether it’s just to the people in your immediate sphere, whether it’s a slightly bigger sphere.

[16:14] I’m so deeply committed to this idea,

[16:20] especially in the like shit show of fucking banana pants Trump administration nonsense that we are living in.

[16:29] I’m so committed to the truth that change starts from our immediate sphere,

[16:36] our day to day actions that show kindness and compassion and love to the people that are immediately around us.

[16:45] What are the small things that we can do to take care of each other?

[16:50] And what are the small things we can do to take care of ourselves?

[16:54] And combating these bullshit really mean stories that can come up and keep us small is an act of resistance.

[17:04] It’s resisting the undertow.

[17:07] A capitalist patriarchal society that like wants us to be depressed and stressed out and yearning for more shit to buy to fix it. Like, I so do that still. You know, I’m currently like reorganizing my house and moving my office from one room to another and all I want to do is like buy shit that like,

[17:30] oh, if I just buy shit, it’s going to make this perfect and then,

[17:35] and then I won’t feel like a fuck up because I will have X, Y and Z. I hadn’t really like explicitly thought of it that way, but just naming it is like, yeah, like, oh, if I just get a new lamp that’s gonna make me happy or that’s gonna make things flow better.

[17:53] And I laugh at that because it’s so hard not to, not to get sucked into it.

[18:01] And yeah, and I also, you know, sometimes we need a really nice lamp. But being aware of the ways in which it is just socially,

[18:13] culturally, everywhere,

[18:15] consumerism is a tool of oppression.

[18:21] And I just fundamentally believe that like liberating ourselves from the inner critic and the self flagellation,

[18:33] the shitty stories, the not enoughness, like, the more we can resist that on an internal, individual level with the support of people who love us and believe in us, because I don’t.

[18:46] We can’t get rid of it on our own.

[18:49] The more we can do that, the more we have energy and empowerment and community and connection and care and love to then take action on a bigger scale.

[19:04] But it really does start within. It’s all a goddamn inside job, y’all.

[19:08] And if I’m telling myself I’m a fuck up,

[19:11] or rather if the part of my brain that has bought into these ideas of what things are supposed to be like, if that part of my brain is telling me I’m a fuck up and I’m believing it, then I don’t have any energy or enthusiasm or joy or access to the part that wants to take affirming and effective action.

[19:38] So, my love, my invitation is to do the exercise. Like, if you’re, if you got that little hamster wheel of doom in your head telling you mean things today, write them down, take some deep breaths, call someone you love, come back to it, and then.

[19:55] And then really lean into the truth, because it’s not true.

[20:00] Another version of this is Byron Katie’s the Work,

[20:05] which is,

[20:06] you know, you write out the thing, you ask yourself, is it true?

[20:11] Can I absolutely know it’s true?

[20:15] How do I feel when I have this thought?

[20:18] And then who would I be without that thought?

[20:22] And then she has a whole process you can go through to like, flip it and work with it,

[20:28] but just the act of, like, pulling it out of the, like, rotting, festering darkness that it likes to hide in and grab your soul from,

[20:39] pulling it out into the light and shining the light of awareness onto it by naming it, by talking about it, by bringing it to somebody who can help you get out of it is so valuable.

[20:56] And like, that’s. That’s the starting point. We have to recognize that we’re telling ourselves we’re a fuck up before we can get free from the lie of that idea.

[21:06] So I am sending you so much love today.

[21:11] Such a big, energetic hug.

[21:14] The reminder that you are not a fuck up, that you are amazing in your own particular, wonderful, beautiful way of being amazing,

[21:26] and that you are loved and that you are loving and that you are lovable.

[21:31] Please take good care of my friend today.

[21:38] Thank you so much for listening. If you enjoyed this episode, please help me grow the podcast by subscribing, leaving a review, and sharing it with anyone you think would benefit from hearing it too.

[21:48] Your support means the world to me. If you’d like to get updates about new episodes, posts and offerings, please visit settlingisbullshit.com to subscribe to my newsletter. You can also find information there about working with me one on one to build your most amazing life.

[22:03] Until next time, remember that I believe in you and that you are fucking awesome.