Unpacking Conflict by Understanding Our Values

To live a life of purpose (or on purpose) is to live according to our values… which can be a tall order. Using our values to inform our decisions – everything from where we shop to what we buy to how we spend our time – is a pretty big ask. It takes effort, intention, and usually a fair bit of willingness to give up some ingrained habits and a fair bit stuff we might like.

But living our values also fuels our sense of direction, integrity, and fulfillment. It gives us a compass to find our way forward when we feel lost, and it provides a foundation for wholehearted living. 

Listen to me read this post (and get some color commentary) on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, YouTube, or wherever you listen to podcasts! (Episode #45)

Living on purpose means centering what genuinely matters to us – which means we have to actually figure that out. We have to name it. Know it. Live it.

And if you’re thinking, “oh, shit.” You’re not alone.

Defining our values is a big ask, akin to being asked “what’s the meaning of life?” Because that kind of is the question. Our values are, in a sense, the meaning of our life.

Value: a person’s principles or standards of behavior; one’s judgment of what is important in life.

So, if we don’t have that clarity, don’t spend time actually interrogating what’s important, it’s no wonder that we end up wandering around feeling a bit aimless. 

It’s also no wonder that we get into the same arguments over and over again. Values are at the root of most conflict, we just don’t tend to see it that way.

Deciding What’s Important

In my experience, most people haven’t spent a whole lot of time really defining their values. Try it now. What are your values? Go! 

Do any concepts immediately float to the surface? Great! Those are probably pretty important ones. 

But if I asked you to come up with a list of the 5-6 concepts you genuinely value above all else, that you try to live your life by, would you have a clear sense of that list?

No worries if not. It’s not like defining our values was part of our high school curriculum. It’s not on a test, not a question our parents used to ask us over dinner: “So, kiddo, how did you live your values today?”

But it’s super important, y’all. Getting our lives into alignment – in our work, our relationships, our ambitions – means understanding our inner compass and making sure we’re continuing to head north.

The first step in that direction is uncovering our values, dusting them off, and defining what they actually mean to us. There are a lot of inroads into (re)discovering your values. You can look at a giant list and see what jumps out (though that exercise tends to overwhelm my brain). 

You can also do some journaling and ask yourself some questions such as: 

• Where you spend your time? 
• How do you spend your money?
• What do you enjoy doing?
• What do you wish you were doing in the world (if time/money/energy weren’t a constraint)?
• What causes are you dedicated to?

And, of course, you can also work with a coach (like me!) to unpack this with you. I’m a big fan of that approach, but I’m obviously pretty biased.

Another, less pleasant, way to identify core values is to pay attention when they get trespassed (i.e. when you get upset or angry). Looking at what’s under the emotional reaction can be a key to unlocking patterns of conflict in your relationships.

Anger and Hurt Feelings Can Be a Guidepost to Values 

Here’s something kind of revelatory that I only learned in the past year: most of the time when we’re pissed off or upset about something, it’s because someone trespassed our values. Somebody did something that rubbed up against or trampled on or disrespected a principle we live our lives by, and we got mad or sad. 

Think about it. The last time you got really angry or upset with someone, what was it about? On the surface, it’s about a thing – a shitty comment, a tone of voice, an inconsiderate or fucked up behavior. But underneath that, it’s probably because something important to you got stepped on. 

Trace it back to the roots. What value did they fuck with? Justice? Vulnerability? Respect? Empathy? Kindness? 

This may seem like a weird way to look at conflict in our lives (isn’t it obvious that the other person was just being a jerk?!), but it can be revelatory. 

I’ve been reading a lot lately about cultural conditioning and how it fucks with us (especially women), and there are a lot of reasons why hurt feelings can be easier to access than anger. Since most of us default to one primary reaction over the other (I go straight to sad), I’ll map this out using two personal examples.

Hurt feelings: a little while back, my feelings were hurt when I got some delayed feedback. It came a few days after a multi-day event I was helping to support, which meant I didn’t have an opportunity to change my behavior during the event. While I don’t love getting negative feedback, the fact that it came too late for me to make any changes really hurt my feelings. This trespassed my values of kindness, honesty, and mutual respect.

Honestly, it felt very unkind for them to wait until I could no longer do anything about it. It also stepped on my values of honesty and mutual respect since the person saw something and didn’t tell me about it at the time. 

I had a big cry about it when the email came through, and/but tracing it back to the roots of my values helped me self-soothe and get re-regulated. And also it helped me realize that the situation was more about mismatched personalities than me having done something wrong, but more on that below.

Anger: one of the few things that really pisses me off is when people waste my time. That can show up in a lot of ways – arriving late, not letting me know when plans have changed, making me repeat myself (customer service calls!!), or (at my old job) failing to think things through and making me re-do work. That shit can piss me the fuck off. And it’s because I deeply value both mutual respect and time as a limited resource. 

I’ve done a fair bit of work so that I’m not as reactive to that stuff as I used to be. I’ve stopped taking tardiness so personally on the whole. But part of what helped me do that was tracing it back to the value of respect. If I choose to see tardiness as disrespectful, I’m going to get pissed. If I choose, instead, to not take it personally, I’m a lot more able to give people grace.

Misalignment of Values Doesn’t Necessarily Make Anyone Wrong

When I take a step back and think about the people in my life I’ve really struggled to get along with or understand, I can see it’s because we held different (and sometimes discordant) values. 

In the hurt feelings example above, I suspect the other person places a high value on efficiency, which can mean moving on rather than spending the time to unpack an issue in the moment. While I may not agree with that (especially in this instance), it doesn’t necessarily make them wrong. Which is an annoying and important thing to recognize for the sake of my own sanity.

Conflicting values have also showed up in relationships with people I do, generally, love and care about and get along with. This is when actually talking about what matters to us can make a huge difference in showing up well together.

For example, I deeply value personal autonomy. As a recovering people pleaser, part of my journey has been to learn to metaphorically put on my own oxygen mask first. I’ve had to learn how to take care of myself by saying no more often, by checking in with what I need, and by being honest about my feelings. And to stand up for myself when people in my life do things that hurt.

Now, sometimes that value of mine – of putting myself first – comes into conflict with the values of others. That can happen in a number of ways, and it can be painful for both of us. If someone I care about deeply values community and consensus, or group harmony, or duty, or selflessness, our values can sometimes end up at odds. So it makes sense that conflict would arise.

And the thing is – the thing it’s incredibly helpful for me to remember is – that neither of us is wrong. We just hold different values. 

My value if personal autonomy is not better than, or more important than, or more righteous than a value of group harmony. The consequences or outcomes sometimes just don’t line up, and that can (and will) cause conflict. The conflict gets worse when we can’t recognize that. 

When we get really entrenched in being right because our values are the “correct” ones and the other person is wrong, it’s only going to keep us stuck. If we want to muddle our way through reparative conversations, we’re likely to make better headway if we can talk about things in terms of values. It can depersonalize in a way that helps us see each other’s side. 

So, the next time conflict arises – whether with a partner, a friend, a coworker – ask yourself:

• What value has been trespassed?
• What do I actually need in order to feel safe, seen, or respected in this situation?
• Is this someone I can have a conversation about values with? Would that help the situation?

Then, do a quick review of nonviolent communication practices and remind yourself that different values don’t make you or the other person wrong! It’s just another way that being a human interacting with other humans can be fucking hard sometimes.

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Want some support in identifying what matters most? All summer, I’m offering $75 sample coaching sessions. So, book an hour with me and you’ll leave with a clear sense of what you genuinely care about. (With zero pressure or sales pitch at the end – would love to just get to be with you and offer some support!)