Your Needs Are Not a Failing

Food, water, shelter. Safety and security. Sleep! Friendship and a sense of connection. These are all amongst the foundational needs of every person on this planet. They all fall in the first three sections of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs – the premise of which (if you aren’t familiar) is that basic needs must be met before emotional needs can be met, before self-actualization needs can be met. 

It’s pretty easy to accept that we need to eat, need to feel safe in our home, need to feel connected to others in some capacity. That’s all pretty straightforward and not especially controversial. Except breaking everything after basic needs into a hierarchy or trying to map it into a particular order is debatable.

Critics of Maslow’s pyramid argue that after basic needs, the order of things probably isn’t especially linear or hierarchical, and I’m inclined to agree. Where many of us run into trouble is somewhere around the middle of the pyramid. We know we need love and connection, and most of us try really hard to get that need met – often too hard. 

Striving for love and connection in our lives can easily get pretty muddled, usually because we aren’t honoring our emotional and self-actualization needs. We’re trying to make our needs fit the circumstances instead of finding circumstances that fit our needs. Fumbling around in the swamp of chasing after love and connection, usually means we aren’t paying enough attention to the upper portion of the needs pyramid – the sections that include self-esteem, independence, creativity, beauty, and authenticity. 

We might know that all of those things are good to have, but many of us get lost in how to acquire them. Or, what I think is often the case, in trying to get our needs for connection and love and belonging met, we try to ignore or constrain or change our esteem and self-actualization needs because we think that will make other people happy (and thereby get us the love and connection we want). 

But that’s not how needs work, y’all. We can’t adjust them to fit other people’s molds – even when we wish we could.

We Aren’t Alone in Needing Things (and Others)

Sometimes (oftentimes) I feel like my needs are somehow a failing on my part. Like, somehow needing to have alone time, needing quiet, needing a recovery program, needing affirmations, needing more rest, needing to cry a lot… that all of it is somehow my fault or something I “should” be able to “get over” or go without. 

This comes up especially when I have needs that other people can’t meet. Rather than recognizing that it’s just a matter of misalignment, I internalize things and make it about me – even though I know better. (Turns out early childhood programming doesn’t go away just because we think it should!)

As someone with ADHD, CPTSD, anxiety and a highly sensitive system in general, I have a lot of needs for things that it seems like other people don’t. And that can feel like a burden for me a fair bit of the time. So it makes sense that I would project that sense of “this is clearly a burden” onto the people around me. Except that’s just a shitty story I’m telling myself – which I forget all too often.

When we feel like our needs are too much to cope with on our own, it’s no wonder that we start turning that into a narrative about how our needs are too much for others, too. But we don’t get to think other people’s thoughts! And everyone, everyone needs love and care and support and connection from others. 

There have been countless experiments proving the need for connection. Animals kept in isolation wither and die. People with strong social bonds live longer. The best predictor for a healthy, wholehearted life is having deep connections with others. 

Part of what makes us the beautiful snowflakes that we all are is the way that everything about us comes together to form a unique combination of interests, preferences, desires, and needs. Which is actually pretty wonderful! It’s just our internalized shame or trauma or inner critic that tries to convince us otherwise.

The Inner Critic Distorts Our Reality

Gentle, non-gaslighting reminder: our thoughts aren’t necessarily accurate – especially when it comes to self-assessment. If you’re thinking things or saying things to yourself that you would never, ever say to someone you love? That’s a great indicator that your inner critic is currently in charge of the mental merry-go-round.

The inner critic isn’t the only part of us that can come in and muck around. Sometimes it’s the inner protector, or the achiever, or the pleaser, or the fearful part of us. But none of these parts really have the full picture, and the perspective they offer is generally quite distorted. 

What do I mean by distorted? Giving a misleading or false account or impression. Our thoughts can be misleading – can pull us in shitty directions if we aren’t paying attention and seeking out alternative perspectives.

This comes through in body dysmorphia – when we look at pictures of ourselves and can only focus on what we see as flaws.

This comes through in “not-good-enough” – when we make something or do something and can’t resist the temptation to point out how it could have been better.

This comes through in people pleasing – when we try to predict what other people want and earn love through doing things for them.

This comes through in self-abandonment – when we make ourselves responsible for other people’s experiences at the cost of our own needs and well-being.

And all of these distortions tend to contribute to the idea that our needs are too much, or a failing, or some kind of indicator that there’s something wrong with us. THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH US.

Your Needs Are Normal

The path to self actualization, to authenticity, to wholeheartedness is paved with self compassion. Every time you’re consciously nice to yourself, every time you notice and speak back to those distorted ideas, every time you tell yourself “of course I feel this way/need this thing,” you’re taking a step toward a better, kinder, more loving version of yourself. 

Rather than thinking about your needs as impositions or failings or burdens, think about how you’d respond if a friend or loved one had that same need.

Need to cry? Normal.

Need a nap? Normal.

Need to be held? Normal.

Need to feel seen? Normal. 

Need a cookie because you’re tired and hungry and stressed out? Normal!

Need to take a mental health day because everything is too much and you just can’t focus? Normal.

Need to cancel plans because even though you want to do the thing, you’re totally fried and out of spoons? Normal!

Whatever you need to feel safe and loved and okay in the world is normal. It’s not a failing. It’s not wrong. It’s not something that you’re supposed to fix. 

Our needs are an internal calling that’s trying to be heard. Our job is to show up for that call. Mindfulness practices, meditation, journaling, therapy, yoga, all of the stuff designed to get you into the present moment and into your body – all of it is an opportunity to check in with what you need. 

The work is in honoring those needs. In setting boundaries, in saying no, in pausing even when you want to keep going. It’s in offering yourself care and compassion and comfort instead of relying so heavily on getting that from others. It’s in taking care of your body, mind, and spirit. 

Your needs are not a failing; they are just a lot of work. But it’s work that’s worth it, because you’re worth it. You deserve love and joy and nurturance and support and kindness and validation and care. All of which starts with honoring your needs and showing up for yourself without judgment or shame. A tall order, but one I promise you can manage – a little bit at a time.