Showing Up For Each Other

Especially in the midst of chaos, grief, and what very much seems like the apocalypse, what there is to do is show up for each other – in whatever ways we can. The trick, of course, is in recognizing our own capacities and only offering what we actually have to give. Which may not be a lot right now, and that’s okay.

But participating in relationships with people we care about means leaning on each other. It means having the willingness and vulnerability to ask for what we need, as well as getting out of our shit by showing up for others in the ways that we can.

The key to all of it? Talking about it. If we want to show up well for and with the people we love, we need to talk about what everyone wants and needs and has to offer when the going gets tough.

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Resources, References, and Links

The platinum rule: treat others as they want to be treated.

Five love languages.

Normalizing the Struggle.

Toxic Positivity by Whitney Goodman (is the book), and then the definition is: avoiding, suppressing, or rejecting negative emotions in favor of an unrealistic optimism.

Rage Room. A place where you can pay a fee to go smash all kinds of things! Highly recommend. Here’s the one I’ve been to in the Portland area.

Transcript

Hello, my love.

How are you?

Like, really, though, how are you in this moment?

How’s your head?

How’s your heart? How’s your spirit?

What do you actually need right now in this moment?

Obviously, I am not there to offer you a hug or soup, but today’s episode is all about showing up for each other.

And in some ways, it’s also about showing up with each other. Because the thing is, we all need different things at different times and for different reasons. 

Yes, that’s very vague of me, but bear with me.

A lot of us have been going through it lately.

I was having a hard time in January for seasonal, and global-political reasons, and entrepreneurial reasons, and neurodivergent reasons.

And a lot of people in my life have been going through it as well. There’s been a lot of grief, there’s been a lot of loss.

And what’s become so evident to me in this period of winter, of literal and metaphorical winter, is that we all respond differently.

And that’s beautiful.

And when things are hard, what there is to do is to take care of each other in the ways that we know how, in the ways that we can, and in the ways that each of us needs.

One of the fundamental concepts of 12-step recovery is being of service. That, like, when we are in our shit – in the craving, in the self pity, in the self obsession – that what there is to do is get out of ourselves and be of service to other people.

And, you know, that’s not a new concept. It’s not unique to 12-step recovery. It’s what a lot of world religions are kind of based on (from my limited understanding), is that taking care of the people around us is important.

And of course, this is a podcast for recovering people pleasers, among other things. So there’s also the element of not over giving and of taking care of ourselves properly. 

And so what I want to talk about today is like, just really thinking about how we are able to show up for each other, how we can do that in healthy ways, how we can do that in nourishing ways, both for ourselves and for the people that we’re trying to support.

Because I think we can all get into so much gnarly trouble, especially when emotions are running high, when we don’t hold good boundaries for ourselves around what we are able to show up for and what we aren’t. Or, when we’re expecting things from people that they aren’t really able to give us.

One of my absolute favorite sayings is that it’s my responsibility to: quit going to Home Depot looking for milk.

So when I am in a place and in need of support, it’s my job to reach out to the people who are able to offer the kind of support that I need.

Some people are really good at holding space for my big giant emotions.

Many people are not. And when I reach out to the people who aren’t, I usually leave feeling worse. But that’s on me in terms of long term self-awareness and awareness of the people in my lives.

And letting people be who they are is not expecting things of them that they don’t have to offer.

And so when we think about showing up for people, showing up for each other, showing up for ourselves, it’s so important to get clear on, like, what we need and what we can offer.

I have a few friends in my life who are dealing with aging and ill parents, and we’ve been talking about, okay, like, when the time comes, how do you want to be supported?

And by we… I’ve been asking that question because I’m really curious and want to know how to show up for people because we all respond to grief differently. For me, when I am hurting, I really want somebody to show up with food at my house and to just like be with me while I cry.

And some of the people in my life are gonna be good at that. And some of the people in my life are gonna be like, “I love you so much. I will order you a grubhub gift card and send you cat memes.” And that’s great. I don’t call them when I need to cry on a shoulder. 

And I think that’s the really important and beautiful part of, of getting older, of learning who we are and what we need from people.

You know, we talk about the golden rule, right? Treat others as we would be treated. And I think that’s important. I think that the fundamental premise behind that idea is like, don’t be a dick.

Like, if you don’t want people doing that to you, don’t do it to other people, right? And I think that’s a really great start. 

But I think the advanced version that I really love, that I heard about a few years ago, is the idea of the platinum rule, which is treat others as they want to be treated.

While I might love it if people show up at my house with food and cuddles and sappy movies, that might be really overwhelming to some folks.

And I know that I get into trouble when I impose the way I think about the world and exist in the world and what I want from people onto other people without checking in first.

Some people really want to be alone in their grief.

Some people really want company. Some people want food, Some people don’t want food.

And the only way to know is to ask.

That’s one of my absolutely favorite questions that I wish everyone ever would learn to ask, which is like, how can I support you? Because honestly, I think all of us do want and need some kind of support when we’re hurting.

The trick is just that we often don’t know what to ask for, haven’t really thought about it, or in that moment, are just like, so overwhelmed with the everythingness that we don’t know how to respond.

Many of us learned in childhood that, like, asking for help or asking for what we need was just going to get us rejected. And so we un-learned how to ask. We, we forgot how to ask. We stopped asking.

And that’s one of the tragedies of being a human surrounded by emotionally immature humans or people who just, like, didn’t have models.

So I know for me and many of my clients and friends and loved ones, it’s been a big journey of learning that it’s safe to ask for help, that we’re allowed to have wants and needs.

And a big part of cultivating a found family or a sense of community is learning to receive and accepting support and accepting the help that is often available. But we shut ourselves off from asking for it.

And especially in these times of just, I don’t know, not apocalypse, but apocalyptic feeling times, I feel so committed to the reality that what we need to be doing is creating communities of care, is learning how to show up for each other, or if not, learning, some of us are already really good at that.

It’s leaning into that more than ever. I’m convinced that the personal is political and the small acts of love and care and support and service will have ripple effects, especially in the face of so much powerlessness, so much complete fuckery going on.

And so one of my invitations in this episode is to really think about, like, how do you like to be supported?

What feels supportive to you when you’re having a hard time? And if you’re having a hard time today, great. Ask yourself that question. And then, like, reach out to someone who loves you and get that support.

And if you’re not having a hard time today, great. Like, think about the ways that you like to be supported and then reach out to the people who love you and just let them know and maybe have a conversation about how you like to support people because those things can be different.

That makes me think of the five love languages, right? Of how we tend to communicate. Love isn’t always the same way that we prefer to receive it.

So whether it’s words of affirmation, acts of service, gifts, quality time, or physical touch, we all have kind of like different levels of engagement with that when it comes to wanting to receive love and wanting to give love.

And I don’t know, like, it’s similar when it comes to wanting to give and receive support because like, let’s be real, like support is a form of love.

That’s what I’m talking about is like, how can we love each other other better during these fucking shit show times? But I’m not talking about like romantic partnership. I’m talking about all of our relationships.

But all of those love languages still apply. Like I pretty much always want a hug and I want a long – I want an awkwardly long hug. Always. Because I live alone and like I crave human connection, right?

But that’s not true for other people. And if I really want to support the people in my life, it’s partly my responsibility to learn their preferences and not impose my big bear hugs on folks who are less comfortable with physical contact or who don’t like get the same amount of nourishment from that.

I want to talk about my feelings all the time. That’s part of who I am and how I exist in the world.

And it’s been a big growth for me to just come to understand that like that’s not how everybody wants to relate.

The people that I am closest to are the ones that can hold space for that. But it’s not always equally reciprocal. I have beautiful humans in my life who can hold space for me crying, but aren’t comfortable crying in front of other humans.

And that’s okay. But it’s a natural inclination when we see people in our lives hurting to want to help.

And it can get really hard when we try to help in the way that we want support, but that’s not how they actually want support.

And so part of showing up for each other well is tuning into that and cultivating our own capacity for self regulation when the people we love are hurting and, and don’t want anything from us, when there’s nothing we can actually do.

So often we want, I mean, we want to make it better. That’s normal, that’s natural. We want to make it better when people are hurting and in so doing can often inadvertently make it worse.

I talked about this a little bit in my episode on normalizing the struggle, but that’s what toxic positivity means, is when someone’s hurting and we try to cheer them up or.

Or offer a sunny side or these sort of culturally normal but unhelpful phrases that leave people feeling like they’re not allowed to just be hurting or be in the struggle.

It’s so important to feel our feelings, and it’s so important to, like, not try to skip over the hard shit.

Sometimes we’re just sad, sometimes we’re just depressed. Sometimes we’re angry. And all of those feelings are valid and real and need to be expressed. And it can be really helpful to pay attention to which of those feelings we have the hardest time with.

I can totally be with people crying.

I have so much capacity for your tears.

I have a much harder time being with and holding space for anger or fear. These are scary times. And for a lot of folks, like, processing fears out loud is a way of dispelling the energy and is really helpful.

I’m not a very good space holder for that. And that’s okay too, right? When it comes to supporting each other, it’s so important to not make anybody wrong around their needs.

In Toxic Positivity by Whitney Goodman, she has a whole section on complaining, which I thought was pretty great because I do have a really hard time being with complaining. But I really like the way that she maps out that everybody has, like, different reasons for complaining and different needs around complaining, and that if you can actually identify, like, what is your goal in complaining, that can make the experience better for everybody involved.

So she has, like, a whole section of tips for effective complaining.

And I don’t think that this is something that would be a very good idea to bring up when someone is complaining to you. But, like, here’s the public service announcement for those of us who are human and sometimes complain about things to think about now.

So the next time you’re complaining to somebody, you can be like, “oh, like, this is what I need. This is why I’m complaining.”

And so she offers these ideas of: 

Are you trying to make someone aware of an issue?

Do you want to enact change?

Do you want to be heard?

Do you want to be validated? 

Do you want advice?

And I love the different nuances of those things.

Thinking about when we are venting, when we are complaining, when we are purging – because that’s also true of crying, now that I think about it. You know, like, when I am sad and just talking about a thing, is it because I need to be heard?

Is it because I need someone to validate me?

Do I need witnessing or do I need validation?

Do I want advice?

Oh, man, I am so guilty of wanting to offer advice. That has been a huge lift a muscle I have cultivated over time and with ongoing continued practice. Is that when people are talking to me about stuff, I want to offer advice?

We all want to solve problems. Most of us, I’ll backtrack that all. But, like, most of us want to solve the problem, and sometimes that’s oftentimes not what the other person wants or needs.

And sometimes it’s not a problem to be solved.

A lot of my clients are scared and angry right now. A lot of my friends are scared and angry right now.

And we’ve been having conversations about how important it is to feel those feelings. Like, actually feel them, especially anger. Like, yes, shit’s fucked. Be mad. Put that somewhere. Channel it into something.

Go to a rage room, punch a punching bag, really lean in and let yourself feel the feeling. Because otherwise it’s just gonna, like, stew and fester and swirl in your system until it has somewhere to go.

That’s what completing the stress cycle is all about.

Like, we get this buildup of energy and emotion, and if we don’t let it go somewhere, it fucks us up.

But I know for me, there’s a big difference between processing out loud and stewing in the energy or wallowing in it or just feeding it. So I think it’s always a really helpful question to ask myself when I’m like, in my shit is, am I actually trying to get out of this shit?

Do I want to wallow in it? Sometimes I do. Sometimes I do just want to wallow in it.

And that can be difficult to be around. But if I can name that, it makes it a lot easier on the people in my life that I do tell what’s going on and let in that, like, yeah, I’m just like, in this right now.

And I kind of want to stay here now.

And so I really encourage anyone who’s listening who, like, wants to show up well with the people in your life.

Have a conversation about this.

I really love the question of, like, how do you like to show up for people?

I really like feeding people. That’s my go to way for showing support and checking in on people.

I’m pretty good at that. And again, that’s usually largely the way that, like, I want to be showed up for. But we all have unique strengths and things to offer.

And so letting people in our lives know, like, here’s what I’ve got to offer.

Do you want any of that from me at this time? Can be really helpful. I have a friend who’s like really good at and enjoys doing online research.

That’s one of the ways that she likes to show up for people. I have another friend who really likes and is good at and will offer to help with putting together shit around the house or like doing that kind of thing.

And those are not necessarily my go to offers, but I think treating people as they want to be treated is all about having this kind of conversation, which is important in, you know, non- apocalyptic, grief-filled times as well.

Just in general, like when you’re having a hard time, how do you want to be supported? And it can also be really helpful to come up with like signals.

Sometimes we’re having a hard time and we don’t know how to let people know. And a dear friend of mine invited me to like have a shared emoji for that exact experience.

Like, I don’t want to talk about it, but I’m having a hard time and I just wanted to let you know we get to send each other the ghost emoji when that’s happening.

And then that opened up a conversation for like, okay, then what do you want me to do?

And for me it’s like, always send me cute animal pictures.

Like when I’m having a hard time, I just want people to check on me. But that’s not necessarily what other people want. And that’s why it’s just always, always, always so important to talk about it.

So as I wind down this like rambly episode that may not have provided anything particularly revelatory or revolutionary in your life, my invitation is nevertheless to like have the conversation with the people you love about how they want to be showed up for, how they like showing up for each other, you know, and make it explicit instead of just assuming.

More and more and more, I’m committed to how important it is to have these conversations, to talk to each other, to communicate about what works for us and what doesn’t and what we do have to give and what we don’t.

Because we just get so tangled up in assumptions and expectations and hurt feelings when we don’t talk about stuff.

So I very much hope this episode felt supportive.

I invite you to ask yourself what you need and then turn to the person in your life who has it to offer. Don’t turn to the person who doesn’t have it to offer.

That’s just gonna make you feel worse. But like, if you’re like, oh, I need a hug, then like, go to your friend that gives good hugs. If you need food, reach out to the friend.

That’s an awesome cook because people who are good at cooking like to feed people. That’s my untested hypothesis that I still feel pretty confident about.

You know, that like, we really are gonna have to lean on each other a lot in the coming forever, but especially right now. And the willingness to ask for what we want and need is courageous and it’s a brave choice.

So that’s my encouragement is to make a brave choice today and ask for what you need from a person who seems likely to be able to give it to you, not from the person who you want to be different.

Don’t go to Home Depot looking for milk, my love.

Go to Home Depot and get the hammer that you actually need today.