What It Means to Prioritize Ourselves

We often talk about getting our priorities in order or making a priority list – that if we could just clearly rank everything in order of importance, then we’d have our shit figured out. And that’s true! Sort of. 

You see, when we look at the word priority itself, it’s singular. To prioritize something means to treat it as more important than other things, which means only one thing gets to be a priority at a time. So it’s kind of no wonder that the idea of putting ourselves first, of prioritizing ourselves, can feel like a really big ask. 

For many of us – recovering people-pleasers, highly sensitive humans, neuro-spicy folks trying to fit in, Enneagram 2s or 9s or 6s, those of us with childhood trauma, those of us in female bodies who grew up in a patriarchal society (ugh, you get the point)… for all of those reasons and more, learning how to stop putting everyone else’s needs in front of our own can be a long, uphill trudge. But it’s so important. 

We can’t pour from an empty cup. We can’t burn ourselves out to fuel the flames of other people’s lives. We can’t step into our own beautiful, vibrant magnificence if we’re prioritizing everyone else’s shit over our own. 

You, my darling, are a gift to this world. You have something delicious and unique and exceptional to offer. And putting yourself on the backburner is actually doing the rest of the world a disservice. 

I genuinely believe that we are all here to shine in our own little (or big) ways, and that our shining brightly helps others to shine, too. So when you let yourself grow dim by putting everyone else’s needs first, the world grows dimmer, too. And that is some bullshit.

So, my love, here are some ways to start (or continue) prioritizing yourself. You matter. You deserve it. And really nourishing yourself isn’t selfish – it’s what gives you the fuel to then share your brightness with others.

Taking Care of Ourselves

To care for something means to do the things that need doing, but it also means to feel affection for, to like or enjoy, and to want something. 

So, my question around all of this is: are we treating ourselves as if we like, love, and want ourselves to thrive? Are we offering ourselves the care that we both need and deserve?

Whether you connect with the idea of your inner child or not, the fact is that once we grow up, we’re the adults in the situation. We’re the ones who have to be the parents in the house – even if we don’t have actual kiddos running around. So, we have to parent ourselves. 

And what’s the job of a parent? To take care of the humans in their charge. That looks like paying the bills, putting food on the table, and making sure there’s a roof over our heads, yes. But it also means providing nurturance, guidance, and protection. (These particular criteria come from Kelly McDaniel’s excellent and well-researched book, Mother Hunger, which I highly recommend).

We may be doing a great job at protecting our basic needs (food, water, shelter), and maybe we even feel like we have a grip on decision-making and the internal guidance of how to show up in the world without being totally miserable. But that’s kind of the bare minimum. 

Are we really tending to the stuff that’s under the surface? Are we really connecting with all the mental, spiritual, and emotional shit that we need in order to live lives that are more substance than survival? If not, we aren’t nurturing ourselves.

Nurturance means “affectionate care and attention.” It’s not just robotic, going-through-the-motions. There’s a tenderness, a gentleness, and a warmth involved. And so if you take anything away from this post, it’s that I want all of us to start genuinely treating ourselves with affection in both word and action. Let’s eat our vegetables, yes, and let’s also tell ourselves we’re doing a good job. Especially on the hard days.

Checking in with Ourselves – First

When you have a new idea, or a hope, or a dream bubble up inside, is the first question that pops up “what will other people think?” Or, when you’re contemplating doing something (or not doing something), do you find yourself preoccupied with how others will respond?  

I’m not saying either of those reactions are wrong or that we should disregard them entirely. But I am saying that instead of letting those things dictate our behavior, we should check in with ourselves FIRST. I want us to start by really, genuinely asking ourselves – what do I think? What do I feel? What do I actually want in this situation? 

It can be all too easy to squash our own hopes, dreams, needs, and desires because we’re worried about what other people will think. Or, especially if we have trauma, we may be constantly scanning for what other people want and need without even really connecting with ourselves.

For recovering people-pleasers, especially, this one is real hard. Codependence taught us that other people’s wants/needs/desires are more important. And we believe(d) that if we could meet those wants/needs/desires, we would earn the love and acceptance we so desperately crave(d).

But this is a form of self-abandonment, and in the long-run, it just doesn’t work. We have to learn to slow the fuck down, and stop saying yes as the knee-jerk reaction. 

We have to learn to ask ourselves what we actually want before agreeing to whatever the other thing is. And if you do pause to turn within and the answer is, “I don’t know,” then that’s a great sign that there’s work to be done around building that internal connection. 

Jenny Tryansky and I talked about this in our episode on boundaries, and here’s a great short episode from Kayleigh Martin about how to listen to our bodies when we’re searching for a yes or no. The truth is, our bodies have so much wisdom to offer! And we can rely on them to tell us if something is a right for us. We just have to learn to actually listen.

The quick and dirty tip on how to start moving in this direction or to increase your capacity here is to take one-minute (just one!) to close your eyes, slow your breathing, and ask whether the thing you are wondering about feels expansive or contracting: if it’s a yes or a no. Then notice what happens in your body. Which option feels tight and which feels relaxing? Which feels uncomfortable and which inviting?

As with all tools for self-awareness and self-care, this may take some practice to really tune into. Interoception (the ability to sense what’s happening in our bodies) doesn’t come easily or naturally to a lot of us. But it can be learned! It’s the fundamental practice of checking in with ourselves – listening to our bodies and not just the voice in our head that’s urging us to eat pizza again instead of making some vegetables. (Though pizza is totally warranted some of the time!)

Protecting Ourselves (i.e. Setting Boundaries)

A lot of us have inherited misguided ideas about what boundaries are. We might think of them as “mean” or “harsh” or “selfish” – all of which are insidious stories that keep us stuck in unhealthy patterns of behavior. 

Boundaries are incredibly helpful to everyone. Knowing where I end and you begin is vital for healthy, interdependent relationships. 

In recovery we talk a lot about staying in our hula hoop – the relatively small circle of space (both literal and metaphorical) that is ours to control. It’s a really helpful metaphor for thinking about what we actually have control of, responsibility for, and access to. 

[Note: I recently decided a snow globe is a better metaphor both because it’s a full on sphere and because there’s either glitter or what’s essentially confetti inside! So, when we create and practice healthy boundaries, we’re essentially building our own snow globe. Thinking about it that way definitely makes me feel like it might be a bit more fun and easy to get in touch with my boundaries and communicate them.]

The thing is, having clear boundaries actually helps us show up better with the people we care about! When we say – out loud! – “this is what works for me,” or “this is what I’m available for and this is what I’m not available for,” it helps everyone understand how to show up with each other without fueling resentment. 

The shitty thing is that a lot of people in the world will test or push against our boundaries. Some will do it on purpose (because they’re emotionally immature) and some will do it inadvertently (because they’re also emotionally immature, just in different ways). That’s why boundaries are hard. But they’re also super necessary.

Think of boundaries like the fence you build around your house and people like sweet little puppies in your neighborhood. It would be lovely if all the puppies were well-trained enough to stay in their own yards and behave politely when getting close to a new yard with interesting smells. But the truth is, without a fence in place, the puppies are just gonna go wherever they want to go, and you’re going to end up with a whole bunch of torn up flower beds and dog poop on your beautiful lawn. Puppies are just being puppies, and it’s our responsibility to build our own fence.

Investing in Ourselves

We talk a lot about self-worth, about how “we are worth it,” how YOU are worth it – whatever the “it” is. But is that how we’re actually behaving? Are our actions lining up with our words? Are we treating ourselves as though we are, in fact, worth it?

Where are we spending our time and money? Those are the two resources that really show us what we value, what we actually think is “worth” it.

Worth: “​​the value of something measured by its qualities or by the esteem in which it is held.” (emphasis my own)

Time and attention are one way of signaling esteem, money is another. Prioritizing ourselves means first and foremost giving ourselves the time and attention we deserve. It also means being intentional about how we are spending our money. 

The truth is that we are all completely fucking priceless gems. But are we investing in ourselves? Are we funneling our finances in the direction of our own beautiful worthiness?

Some of the ways that shows up is in letting ourselves have nice things. It’s in letting ourselves spend money on the things that genuinely make us feel good and sexy and confident and vibrant. It might be a piece of clothing. It might be a hair cut or a manicure or a new pair of glasses. It also might be about investing in the self-care for the soul that feels “too expensive.” 

The point is not to go on a credit-card bender of treat yo’self with reckless abandon. The point is to be really intentional about investing in what your mind, body, and spirit need in order to feel vibrant. Massages might seem like a luxury, but they can also be an investment in your body. The fancy skin care products might seem like a luxury, but they are an investment in your fucking face over the long term, my love!

And y’all, therapy is not a luxury. It’s a privilege, and I wish it were more accessible to everyone. BUT. Therapy and/or coaching are a fundamental investment in your well-being that will absolutely yield untold dividends if you show up and do the work. 

Enjoying Ourselves

This might actually be the most important part of what it means to prioritize ourselves, at least from my perspective. 

Fundamentally, my work is about joy. Not settling for bullshit means saying no to the things that keep us from joyful living – not in the sense of happy all the time, that’s a fantasy. Joyful living is a way of being in the world, and it means making sure we actually enjoy ourselves both internally and externally.

First, prioritizing ourselves means turning within and genuinely focusing our attention on our own gifts, strengths, and awesomeness. It means finding joy and fulfillment in who we are. 

When I say at the end of my podcast episodes that you are fucking awesome – I mean it. You are fucking awesome! I am, too. And learning to enjoy ourselves means learning to genuinely believe that, to really cherish the ways that we show up in the world as sparkly, unique individuals. 

Second, prioritizing ourselves means putting enjoyment on the agenda, ideally every day. Are you doing things that you genuinely enjoy? And are you savoring them when you do?

In the second week of The Artist’s Way, Julia Cameron offers an exercise that can be surprisingly difficult. She asks you to list twenty things you really enjoy doing, twenty things that light you up inside and out. The first five or ten might be easy, but often (for me and for clients I’ve worked with) it gets harder to find the last ten. Then it gets even harder when you take the next step – writing next to each item on the list the last time you actually did that thing. 

I haven’t been roller skating since 2016, y’all. And that’s kind of a bummer. But it’s also a solve-able bummer! (One I intend to solve in the next few weeks). 

When I say you deserve joy, part of what that means is that joy deserves space on the calendar. I know our lives are busy. I know there are eight million things to do all the time and that it’s easy to survive on the joy snack food of binging a TV show. But my challenge for all of us is to put joy, to put something we deeply enjoy, on the calendar at least once a week. 

So, there’s your laundry list of ways to prioritize yourself. Take good care of you, ask yourself what you actually want/need, set boundaries around those wants and needs, treat yourself like you’re worth it, and put joy on your fucking calendar. 

You deserve all of that and more, my love. So please prioritize yourself today.

P.S. If you want to hear some color commentary on this post, listen to it on Spotify (above) or anywhere you listen to podcasts!

Also! I’m going to take a break for a couple of weeks. Will see you again after the holidays.

P.S. If you want to hear my color commentary, listen to the episode via Spotify (above), Apple, YouTube, or wherever else you listen to podcasts.

P.P.S. I'm going to take a break for a couple of weeks and will be back after the holidays. Happy winter solstice!