The Life Changing Magic of Nonviolent Communication

It’s happened again. Somebody you care about did a thing – an inconsiderate, unkind, irresponsible, or just plain stupid thing – and it has hurt your feelings. Or made you super mad. Or caused a whole bunch of confusing emotional chaos that you really didn’t want to deal with today. Fuuuuuuck!

So. Given that reality, what do you do next? Yell? Cry? Pick a fight? Withdraw? All of the above?!

Hopefully, you pause. And remember that you read this post. And if you hadn’t previously heard about it, you now have access to the life changing magic of nonviolent communication – i.e. a way to tell people how their behavior impacted you and what you need without it being a huge emotional and energetic dumpster fire. 

Some alternative titles for this blog: 

• How to Ask for What You Need
• Telling People How You Feel without Starting a Fight
• Navigating Conflict with Grace and Vulnerability
• Owning Your Experience when Talking about Hurt Feelings
• Advocating for What You Want/Need without Being a Dick

I could go on! However, I hope that list is enticing enough to make clear how awesome nonviolent communication really is. I promise: this shit is revolutionary in terms of interpersonal relationships.

What Is Nonviolent Communication?

Nonviolent communication (NVC) is a process (and, more broadly, a way of being) that entails “expressing ourselves with clarity, compassion, self-responsibility, empathy, and the common good in mind” (Puddle Dancer Press). Or, as I would put it, it’s communicating in a way that is grounded in owning our experience and being open and honest about how we’re feeling and what we need – without villainizing the other person involved.

It’s also a pretty simple formula for navigating conflict (which I introduced in my recent post about faux feelings): “when _____ happens, I feel ______, and I’d like to request that ______.” 

Now, there are a bunch of books, and a website, and a metric fuck ton of resources available online related to nonviolent communication. So, this post is mostly intended as an introduction for those of you who aren’t yet familiar, a fun little refresher for those that are, and a follow up to my recent post.

Also, since this is my blog, I’m going to offer my particular take on NVC. As in, this is how I look at it, how I use it, and how I talk about it. Essentially, here is my disclaimer for any NVC experts out there shuddering at my playing fast and loose with what’s actually an extremely sophisticated concept. (I really do recommend diving into NVC more deeply, but I want to offer the basic tool/framework here since it’s been life changing for me).

You’ll see a number of variations on the formula out there, but the basic components stay the same:

1. What you see/notice/observe. (i.e. the facts of a situation or experience, relatively free of commentary).
2. How you feel. (Note: not how it “made” you feel, just how you feel when those things happen/happened).
3. A request related to what you need moving forward.

Super simple! There you have it! Are we done here? Lol. No. 

Let’s unpack each of those components a bit more.

How Nonviolent Communication Works

This will make more sense if we walk through an example. And since it’s incredibly helpful to avoid using “you” statements whenever possible (especially in NVC), I’ll use myself as the model. (Never fear! I’m single at present, so the following is entirely fictional – no feelings will be harmed in the creation of this scenario).

Let’s say my partner accidentally double booked themselves. We had plans, and they somehow managed to make other plans at the same time. Maybe this was due to poor calendar skills. Maybe this was due to over-enthusiasm for doing all the things! Maybe it was pressure at work, or their ADHD, or a sheer inability to make sense of time anymore. 

Whatever the reason, this has happened. And now, they are coming to me to communicate the dilemma and cancel/reschedule our plans. This does not feel good to me. In fact, it taps into one of my old but familiar core wounds: “I’m not important.” 

So, as you might suppose, there are a number of ways this conversation could go poorly. I have many options! I could:

• Use this as evidence that they don’t really care about me and immediately start a fight
• Point out how many times this has happened in the past using superlatives like “always” and “never” (because that always goes over super well…)
• Give them an ultimatum about honoring our plans since we made them first
• Tell them it’s totally fine and then let the resentment slowly simmer until I bring it up randomly weeks later
• Not make a huge deal about it in the moment and then spend the rest of the day fuming, calling friends, getting worked up, and then exploding sometime in the next 24 hours
• Shut down and withdraw – giving them the silent treatment, or intentional bitch face, or making passive aggressive comments
• Burst into tears and let my old story take over, thereby dumping my emotional baggage on my partner and guilt tripping them into canceling the other plans
• Or some combination of all of the above!!

Now, all of those options are super understandable. That’s how conflict is often modeled on TV and, well, in a lot of our everyday lives. So it makes sense that we would react in the ways that we’ve been taught. 

However! None of those reactions are especially helpful to us or the people on the receiving end. So, let’s see how to play this out differently, using NVC.

It All Starts with Facts

The first ingredient to a successful NVC exchange is boiling shit down to what actually happened and communicating it in a judgment-free way. 

In our example scenario, the facts are that my partner and I had made plans at some point in the past; they agreed to the plans and now are requesting to change them. Additional relevant facts might be the method of communication (text vs. in-person) or timeliness (is this last minute or way in advance). But those are the basic facts.

How long ago we made the plans isn’t necessarily important. How many other times they have done this isn’t necessarily important. How much notice they are giving me might be a factor here, as part of the problem might be how last-minute the changes are. How important the plans are to me might also matter, but that comes in later. 

So, before launching into the first part, I get to consider what matters to me in this case. Am I upset about the timeliness? About how they chose to tell me? Is it mostly just that this happened at all or contextual to the plans in question?

Here’s what the differences would look like when plugged into the formula:

• When plans change within a few days of the event…
• When plans change and I find out via text message…
• When we have plans that are important/emotionally significant for me and then something else comes up…

Each of those has its own nuance and will tie into part three: the request. Identifying the core of what has upset us – in a relatively neutral way – allows us to make a request that then meets our actual need.

Please also note the passive voice in those statements! That was deliberate. The more we can avoid saying “when you did such and such,” the more likely it is that the other person involved will keep listening/be able to hear what we’re saying without getting defensive. You statements can feel real aggressive, especially when feelings have been hurt.

We Stay Grounded in Our Own Experience

Part two of the equation is our feelings. How did the thing impact us? Did we feel sad? Angry? Confused? 

Keep in mind that the other person did not “make” us feel anything. Our feelings are ours. Things happen and we react to them. Other people are not responsible for those reactions. That’s what owning our experience means – recognizing that our feelings come from within us, that they are subjective, and that we have agency in the ways we choose to react.

Also, my partner can’t argue with my feelings. I feel sad and angry – that doesn’t open things up to debate. Now, if I resort to speaking in faux feelings (see previous post) such as “feeling” disrespected or unappreciated, that will almost certainly result in defensiveness and argument. My partner would likely bring in examples of all the ways they have previously demonstrated that they respect or appreciate me. But feeling sad is mine; it’s a feeling that I’m having without layering blame on top.

When I use NVC, I like to keep feelings super simple: sad, hurt, angry, afraid. Sometimes confused or frustrated. But keeping it to the basics takes out the room for interpretation or defensiveness, and it helps to center the conversation in how to move forward rather than finding fault and blame.

We Make a Clear Request

The third component of NVC is key: what do we want in order to move forward? Again, identifying the core issue in step one is really important for this piece. 

We probably want an apology and wish this hadn’t happened in the first place, but what do we want beyond that? Life doesn’t have an undo button, so we aren’t going to be able to undo the thing having happened. So, what behavior change or new way of being/interacting with each other will help us to move forward and/or prevent this from happening again?

To pick back up with the earlier examples:

• When plans change within a few days of the event, I feel frustrated and hurt. I’d like to request that you give me ____ amount of notice in future so that I can make other plans. 
• When plans change and I find out via text message, I feel angry and hurt. I’d like to request that when communicating about canceled plans you call me to tell me.
• When we have plans that are important/emotionally significant for me and then something else comes up, I feel angry and hurt. I’d like to request that if you accidentally double book yourself in future, you check in with me about how important our plans are before deciding which plans to keep.

Simple, straightforward, and hard to argue with. And, importantly, not bogged down in blame. The request gives the other person a clear action item to agree to or discuss. It helps them understand what you need from them and is the bridge to relational repair.

Rupture and Repair

Here’s the thing about being in relation with other humans: we’re going to fuck up sometimes. We’re going to hurt each other, almost always not on purpose. Strong relationships are the ones that can navigate those ruptures by working toward repair.

Getting bogged down in blame and anger and our old stories will only get in the way of repair. While it takes a lot of self-awareness and self-regulation to practice nonviolent communication with someone you care about who has hurt you, NVC offers a pathway forward. 

Nothing can undo hurtful things that have happened. All we can do is get clear with ourselves about what we need in order to move forward, and then communicate that in a way that treats our own needs as valid and the other person as a partner in the relationship. 

Nobody (aside from sociopaths) likes hurting the people they care about. Approaching our friends and loved ones with NVC gives them the benefit of the doubt. It says, “I know you didn’t mean to hurt me, but here’s the impact this had. Here’s what I need to feel safe/seen/cared for moving forward.” And that, my friends, is magic when it comes to relational repair.