For a lot of us, trying new things (aka learning) can be deeply, wrenchingly uncomfortable. It can also be super duper awesome, especially on the other side. There is joy to be found in our expansion, in our stepping out or into the world of possibility and weathering the discomfort that comes from growth. We…
Tag: self awareness
Forget Goals. Set Intentions Instead.
‘Tis the season for all of us to either contemplate the merits of New Year’s resolutions or ignore them completely. And while I do absolutely love a big, exciting goal, I’m also super aware of the ways goals can lead us astray, quickly become demotivating, or result in giving up before we ever get real…
What If *Everything* Counted?
Fitbits, Apple watches, apps upon apps upon apps… if you’re doing a thing and want to track it, the technology is there. Want to know how you’re sleeping? There’s an app for that. Want to keep an eye on water intake, or mood, or your cycle, or stress levels, or even your bowel movements –…
It’s Priority – Singular.
It’s a common refrain. We tell ourselves we need to sort out our priorities. We just have to identify our priorities and take meaningful action around them. Once we have our priority list, we can make better decisions! Our priorities will guide us!! Except they won’t. Because there’s no such thing as more than one…
Fighting the Hopelessness of Modern Dating
To all my single people out there, I feel you. Oh, lordy, do I feel you. Dating in the twenty-first century can feel entirely fucking impossible for so many reasons, and since hope isn’t a feeling (it’s something we have to create for ourselves), it’s pretty understandable that hopelessness creeps in when we’re trying to…
What My Recovery Means to Me
Today marks 13 years since I smoked the last of my weed (July 1st, 2010) and decided to try spending 90 days entirely sober (July 2nd, 2010). As it turned out, being completely substance-free suited me really, really well – eventually. When I got sober, I didn’t really think I had a problem with alcohol….
Your Needs Are Not a Failing
Food, water, shelter. Safety and security. Sleep! Friendship and a sense of connection. These are all amongst the foundational needs of every person on this planet. They all fall in the first three sections of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs – the premise of which (if you aren’t familiar) is that basic needs must be met before…
Deciding People Mean Well
No matter how kind or compassionate or generous we may be, people are going to hurt us. That’s a reality of being in relation with other humans. People fuck up, and our feelings get hurt. We get angry. We sometimes retaliate, even when we don’t mean to. Everybody behaves like a jerk sometimes. Welcome to…
Mental Health Is Something We Do – Every Day
May was mental health awareness month, so I’m a bit behind the times in writing about it. But, hey! Mental health matters all year round! It’s also something that gets talked about a lot in somewhat vague and empty ways, too often conflated with mental illness. Spoiler: they’re not the same thing. Everyone – and I…
Hope Isn’t a Feeling – It’s a Choice
While we often talk about “feeling” hopeful, that phrasing is a little misleading – because unlike sadness or joy or fear, hope isn’t actually a feeling. It’s a mental process that we can choose to engage in. It’s not an internal signal that naturally occurs. In other words, hope is something we do rather than…
Happiness is Fleeting, Wholeness Persists
I think one of the most important lessons I’ve learned in recovery is that feelings aren’t forever – all of them. Happy, sad, afraid, elated, hopeless, irritated, confused, delighted, embarrassed, ashamed, adored… none of them are permanent states of being, and trying to make them last is an unrealistic goal. But we do try, and…
If You Can’t Love Yourself, How Can You Trust That Others Do?
Despite what Instagram and TikTok and the rest of the internet might say, cultivating self-love is fucking hard to do. Being able to look yourself in the mirror and say, “damn. I’m awesome!” and then a) not cringe and b) actually mean it? That takes a lot of fucking work and patience. But it is…
WTF Does It Mean to “Get Over” Someone?
When talking about breakups, we talk about “getting over” our exes. We talk about “moving on,” and “letting go.” But I think there’s a lot of murky ideas about what the fuck any of that actually means. And I don’t pretend to have THE answer to any of it, but I do think it’s a…
Choosing People Who Choose You
Sometimes it’s easy to forget that being in a relationship with people is actually a choice we make on a daily basis. We are constantly choosing to show up, to engage with the people in our lives – whether those relationships are friendship or romantic partnership or even familial. (Reminder: we can opt out of…
Stepping Into Discomfort
To be comfortable, according to ye ol’ dictionary, is to be free from vexation, doubt, stress, or tension. I.e. to be comfortable means to be free of anything that stretches or changes us in any way – because change means stepping into the unknown, stepping into the potential for doubt, stress, and vexation. In other…
Sh*tting on Your Ex Is Sh*tting on Yourself
Let’s be real, it can feel damn good to shit talk exes. (Anger is a stage of grief, after all). Rather than getting overwhelmed by sorrow, it can be much easier to focus on how an ex was “an asshole,” “a crazy bitch,” or “a really fucked up person.” It can feel awesome to vent…
Everybody F*cks Up Sometimes (Ourselves Included)
Like a bunch of folks, I got caught up in Southwest Airlines’ epic fail during this years’ holiday travel. My experience wasn’t as horrible as most, though – by some sort of truly miraculous twist of fate, I made it home on Christmas morning… at 4am. It sucked. And I was real cranky about it. And…
Moving from Fear to Love
In the past few years, I’ve made a lot of big, scary decisions. It started with the decision to leave academia – because I wanted the agency to choose where I live. Then I had to actually decide where to live and picked Portland – even though I wasn’t sure I could afford it. Then…
Give Yourself a F**king Break
I’m writing this from Mexico City – which is important context since I’m on day four of an eight day trip and have cried at least once (if not multiple times) every day for the last three days. And the shitty voice in my head wants to be a dick to me about that, so…
Fear Is a Sneaky F*cker
I’m gonna go ahead and make a bold claim/sweeping generalization here: unless we’re actively practicing self awareness, most of us live our lives driven by fear. And most of us are pretty oblivious about it until we start really looking at what we’re doing. Hopefully you noticed that I included myself in that. I’m not…
What If Nobody Is Broken?
Here’s a thought to chew on: what if – in spite of all the ways you might struggle with being a human in the world – you aren’t broken? What if the people that hurt us aren’t broken? What if nobody is broken? What would that mean? Who would we be? How would letting go of…
What Do You Actually Need?
Identifying needs is probably one of the hardest things to do. It requires checking in with yourself in a deep and mindful way, which is a process that most of us never really had modeled. Instead, we get told – by society, by our family of origin, by our inner critic – that our needs are “too…
Settling Is Bullshit 