My Favorite Books of 2024
While I do love all the year in review recaps that start popping up in early December, I can’t help but feel that means the last 20 or so days of the year become a black hole lost to time. And maybe because my birthday is in late December, I’m especially sensitive to making sure […]
In Praise of Gentle Consistency
I don’t know about y’all, but I am exhausted with the everything-ness of the world right now. It’s all just so much! Nevertheless, we persist. And I hope we are all persisting in whatever way we are able with a degree of gentleness. We all know that consistency is key to getting where we want […]
Choosing Love & Connection Over Fear & Despair
As with 70 million or so other Americans, I’m grieving the outcome of the 2024 election. It’s heavy on my heart and on my communities. And I don’t want to pretend otherwise. I normally release episodes on Wednesdays and send the email update on Thursdays, and I knew I couldn’t plan ahead for this week. […]
The Difference between Settling and Acceptance
When life is doing shit that we don’t like, acceptance is the jumping off point, y’all. Settling is the crash landing. Or maybe it’s the getting stuck on a sandbar landing. Settling is definitely muddy and gross, and I do not wish it upon any of you beautiful souls! Acceptance, on the other hand, is […]
A Pep Talk for Patience!
Oh my goodness, thank you for your patience! Settling Is Bullshit is back! Season two of the podcast is officially here, and we have a glorious new logo to celebrate. I couldn’t be more delighted. I also was definitely on the struggle bus for a while – waiting to get this train rolling again. I […]
Adopting a F*ck Around and Find Out Approach to Life with Mindset Coach Ally Rounsley
Swearing is caring, y’all! And in this extra sweary episode, mindset coach and recovering perfectionist Ally Rounsley takes us on a deep dive into how to build resilience by stepping into a f*ck around and find out (FAAFO) mentality. Though, not in the getting-into-fights sense that this phrasing sometimes implies. (And also not in a […]
The Joy and Discomfort of Trying New Things
For a lot of us, trying new things (aka learning) can be deeply, wrenchingly uncomfortable. It can also be super duper awesome, especially on the other side. There is joy to be found in our expansion, in our stepping out or into the world of possibility and weathering the discomfort that comes from growth. We […]
Using Movement to Shift Perspective with Dr. Sarah Roth
Fun fact: our connective tissue has more neurons and neuroreceptors than any other organ in the body! Which means any physical movement we make can have a substantial impact on our mental outlook – a handy concept we can leverage when trying to implement changes in our lives. In other words: move your butt to […]
Action Fuels Motivation (Seriously)
Do you dream about bigger, cooler, more joyful ways of being but just can’t quite seem to make them happen? Or, to maintain momentum once you start? If so, you are not alone, my friend. Not at all. It’s so fucking hard to stay motived – even around the things we deeply, desperately want for […]
Dating Is Supposed to Be FUN.
Hear ye, hear ye! The dreaded V-Day approacheth! And I come bearing reminders for self-care and self-advocacy! You DO have agency around your dating life! You DON’T have to fall into the morass of self pity and despair! There is hope – should you choose to reach for it!! Lol. But really, y’all. Dating isn’t […]
Doing Things Imperfectly – In Public
What does it mean to have a perfect house? Perfect body? Perfect job? What does perfection feel like? Does it have a color, or a taste? Is it even real? When I stop to think about it, I don’t really know the answer to any of that. In my four decades on earth, I don’t […]
My Best Reads of 2023
It wouldn’t be the end of the year without a flurry of wrap up posts and stories. Since I’m a big believer in paying attention to ritual and seasons changing, I’m jumping on the bandwagon and offering up a contribution of my own. (I also love recommending books, so this is as good an excuse […]
The Life Changing Magic of Nonviolent Communication
It’s happened again. Somebody you care about did a thing – an inconsiderate, unkind, irresponsible, or just plain stupid thing – and it has hurt your feelings. Or made you super mad. Or caused a whole bunch of confusing emotional chaos that you really didn’t want to deal with today. Fuuuuuuck! So. Given that reality, […]
What If *Everything* Counted?
Fitbits, Apple watches, apps upon apps upon apps… if you’re doing a thing and want to track it, the technology is there. Want to know how you’re sleeping? There’s an app for that. Want to keep an eye on water intake, or mood, or your cycle, or stress levels, or even your bowel movements – […]
Permission to Be Unoriginal
Warning: nothing you’re about to read here will be original. It will, nevertheless, be worthwhile. (I hope). When it comes to creativity, or starting a business (which is creative, btw), or cooking, or dancing, or dating, or any number of the things we do in the world that invite our inner critic to berate us […]
Dreams Come True a Day at a Time
When I was first getting sober, everyone kept saying how it happens a day at a time. We just don’t drink today, they said. Which, honestly, felt like a stupid, trite catchphrase that was designed to make me crazy. What the fuck did they mean, “a day at a time?” What about next year? What […]
Fighting the Hopelessness of Modern Dating
To all my single people out there, I feel you. Oh, lordy, do I feel you. Dating in the twenty-first century can feel entirely fucking impossible for so many reasons, and since hope isn’t a feeling (it’s something we have to create for ourselves), it’s pretty understandable that hopelessness creeps in when we’re trying to […]
The Necessity of Rest
At some point in your Instagram/TikTok/blogosphere journey, you’ve probably heard the pithy little aphorism: “we’re human beings, not human doings!” And maybe at some point that sounded deep, and maybe it resulted in a big ol’ eye roll. Right now, it’s feeling super eye-rolly to me. In my head, I’m going “yeah, yeah. Cool, bro. […]
What My Recovery Means to Me
Today marks 13 years since I smoked the last of my weed (July 1st, 2010) and decided to try spending 90 days entirely sober (July 2nd, 2010). As it turned out, being completely substance-free suited me really, really well – eventually. When I got sober, I didn’t really think I had a problem with alcohol. […]
Your Needs Are Not a Failing
Food, water, shelter. Safety and security. Sleep! Friendship and a sense of connection. These are all amongst the foundational needs of every person on this planet. They all fall in the first three sections of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs – the premise of which (if you aren’t familiar) is that basic needs must be met before […]
Deciding People Mean Well
No matter how kind or compassionate or generous we may be, people are going to hurt us. That’s a reality of being in relation with other humans. People fuck up, and our feelings get hurt. We get angry. We sometimes retaliate, even when we don’t mean to. Everybody behaves like a jerk sometimes. Welcome to […]
Finding the Sweet Spot between Grit and Grace
I don’t want to write today, but I’m doing it anyway. Yay, I’m being gritty! And that is awesome, right? Maybe. According to Angela Duckworth (who wrote the book on Grit), “grit is passion and perseverance for long-term goals.” And every piece of writing advice ever will tell you that writing daily is the way […]
Hope Isn’t a Feeling – It’s a Choice
While we often talk about “feeling” hopeful, that phrasing is a little misleading – because unlike sadness or joy or fear, hope isn’t actually a feeling. It’s a mental process that we can choose to engage in. It’s not an internal signal that naturally occurs. In other words, hope is something we do rather than […]
Happiness is Fleeting, Wholeness Persists
I think one of the most important lessons I’ve learned in recovery is that feelings aren’t forever – all of them. Happy, sad, afraid, elated, hopeless, irritated, confused, delighted, embarrassed, ashamed, adored… none of them are permanent states of being, and trying to make them last is an unrealistic goal. But we do try, and […]
When Your Brain Is a Bad Neighborhood, Call in a Friend
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but if you’re struggling with your mental health: it’s not your fault. You’re not doing anything wrong. You’re doing the best you can right now, and your best is good enough. Perhaps unsurprisingly after two weeks of Covid, I ended up a bit depressed. I didn’t have […]
Crying in Public Is a Service to Humanity
When was the last time you saw someone cry in real life? That is, someone other than yourself (if you’re even prone to letting yourself cry)? Has it been a while? Can you even remember a time?! I hope you can. But I rather suspect for many folks who aren’t either in recovery or working […]
Do You Want a Different Past or a Better Future?
I went “home” again last week (hence the brief hiatus from posting). And much to my surprise, it fucked with me. Just like it always does – even though I haven’t lived there for fifteen years. Admittedly, growing up in Las Vegas meant I had a bizarre fucking childhood. Not because my family was involved […]
If You Can’t Love Yourself, How Can You Trust That Others Do?
Despite what Instagram and TikTok and the rest of the internet might say, cultivating self-love is fucking hard to do. Being able to look yourself in the mirror and say, “damn. I’m awesome!” and then a) not cringe and b) actually mean it? That takes a lot of fucking work and patience. But it is […]
WTF Does It Mean to “Get Over” Someone?
When talking about breakups, we talk about “getting over” our exes. We talk about “moving on,” and “letting go.” But I think there’s a lot of murky ideas about what the fuck any of that actually means. And I don’t pretend to have THE answer to any of it, but I do think it’s a […]
Choosing People Who Choose You
Sometimes it’s easy to forget that being in a relationship with people is actually a choice we make on a daily basis. We are constantly choosing to show up, to engage with the people in our lives – whether those relationships are friendship or romantic partnership or even familial. (Reminder: we can opt out of […]
Stepping Into Discomfort
To be comfortable, according to ye ol’ dictionary, is to be free from vexation, doubt, stress, or tension. I.e. to be comfortable means to be free of anything that stretches or changes us in any way – because change means stepping into the unknown, stepping into the potential for doubt, stress, and vexation. In other […]
Start Talking to Yourself Like a Friend
Do you do the thing that so many of us do where you call yourself an idiot for making a minor mistake? Do you say things like “I’m so stupid,” or “I suck,” or “I’m the worst?” If so, you’re not alone. But also – please knock that shit off. Please? It’s not nice. And […]
Sh*tting on Your Ex Is Sh*tting on Yourself
Let’s be real, it can feel damn good to shit talk exes. (Anger is a stage of grief, after all). Rather than getting overwhelmed by sorrow, it can be much easier to focus on how an ex was “an asshole,” “a crazy bitch,” or “a really fucked up person.” It can feel awesome to vent […]
Everybody F*cks Up Sometimes (Ourselves Included)
Like a bunch of folks, I got caught up in Southwest Airlines’ epic fail during this years’ holiday travel. My experience wasn’t as horrible as most, though – by some sort of truly miraculous twist of fate, I made it home on Christmas morning… at 4am. It sucked. And I was real cranky about it. And […]
Moving from Fear to Love
In the past few years, I’ve made a lot of big, scary decisions. It started with the decision to leave academia – because I wanted the agency to choose where I live. Then I had to actually decide where to live and picked Portland – even though I wasn’t sure I could afford it. Then […]
Give Yourself a F**king Break
I’m writing this from Mexico City – which is important context since I’m on day four of an eight day trip and have cried at least once (if not multiple times) every day for the last three days. And the shitty voice in my head wants to be a dick to me about that, so […]
Fear Is a Sneaky F*cker
I’m gonna go ahead and make a bold claim/sweeping generalization here: unless we’re actively practicing self awareness, most of us live our lives driven by fear. And most of us are pretty oblivious about it until we start really looking at what we’re doing. Hopefully you noticed that I included myself in that. I’m not […]
What If Nobody Is Broken?
Here’s a thought to chew on: what if – in spite of all the ways you might struggle with being a human in the world – you aren’t broken? What if the people that hurt us aren’t broken? What if nobody is broken? What would that mean? Who would we be? How would letting go of […]
Whatever It Is, Just F**king Start
I’ve never actually read Goethe, but he’s got this lovely quote that you may have seen running around the internet: “Whatever you think you can do or believe you can do, begin it. Action has magic, grace and power in it.” It’s a great sentiment. And one that I’ve reframed a bit in the title […]