The Insidious Grip of a Fixed Mindset

Do you have a dream, my friend? A little idea in the back of your soul that yearns to be made real? Do you want to write a book, or start a nonprofit, or create something beautiful in the world? And have you been telling yourself that your dream is possible or that it’s “just” a dream?

So many of us spend so much of our lives keeping our dreams locked up because we don’t believe we’re capable of making them a reality. That mean, inner critical voice tells us that’s the kind of that happens for other people but not for us. Or, that it’s something other people are good at but that we, for whatever reason, couldn’t possibly make happen.

Listen to the recording (with commentary and bonus content!) on Apple, Spotify, YouTube, or anywhere you listen to podcasts.

Except waaaaaaay too often, we tell ourselves shitty stories. We tell ourselves we aren’t capable. We forget that those ideas about what we can and can’t do are just a bunch of stories that we made up at some point to keep ourselves safe (and usually pretty small).

Any of these sound familiar?

I can’t cook. I can’t dance. I can’t sing. I can’t draw. I can’t run. I can’t lift weights. I can’t do yoga. I can’t do math. I can’t be in charge. I can’t speak in front of people. I can’t make big decisions. I can’t switch careers. I can’t leave, move, change… etc., etc., etc.

Y’all, most of those “can’ts” are a steaming load of bullshit born of a fixed mindset. And they are holding us back in so many insidious ways.

[Note: there are a lot of ways in which physical, environmental, social, and economic limitations pose very real obstacles to our forward momentum. This is not meant as a shaming, blaming, or toxically positive rant about mind over matter. Rather, it’s a call to take a deeper look at whether what we’re running up against is a genuine limitation or a shitty story we’re telling ourselves.]

Growth vs. Fixed Mindset

If you haven’t seen Carol Dweck’s TED Talk about mindset (let alone read the book), it’s an excellent way to spend ten minutes. She’ll also do a better job of presenting her own research if you need a bit more evidence for this idea, but the gist is that believing we CAN improve is how we improve. 

Dweck calls this a growth mindset – adopting the attitude that with enough time and effort, we can learn to do the thing. It might be hard (it probably will be hard), but hard doesn’t mean impossible. 

A fixed mindset, in contrast, is the false notion that some people have innate talent and others do not. It’s the perspective that we either can or can’t do a thing because of our inherent makeup. 

If we’re walking around the world believing that some people have innate talents for drawing, singing, sports-balling, or whatever, and that we do not possess those innate talents, then we hold ourselves back from even trying. Those people have the talent and we don’t, so why bother?

This attitude, by and large, is bullshit. It keeps us small and frustrated. It’s one of the many ways perfectionism keeps us on the hook, and it shuts us down from learning.

We Are Capable, We Just Might Not Be Willing

An important thing to keep in mind is that growth vs. fixed mindset has to do with where we believe capacity comes from. 

I told myself for decades that I couldn’t draw. Other people were good at drawing, but not me. I would look at friends whose doodles were way beyond anything I could even imagine myself being able to draw, and I’d just resign myself to never having that ability. That’s a fixed mindset.

Then I came across Dweck’s work and picked up a copy of the book Drawing on the Right Side of the Brain by Betty Edwards. And after a handful of the exercises in that book, it became crystal clear to me that I CAN actually draw! I just haven’t been willing to put in the time and effort to get good at it because I get bored and impatient with slow progress. So, that’s on me, not on my innate lack of capacity. 

Admittedly, my ADHD is a factor here – which does make it extra hard for me to do things that require patience and diligence. However! I recently discovered that when I’m actually excited about the thing I’m trying to draw (i.e. cute animals!), I can access a lot more patience than I realized! Huzzah! 

I now deeply recognize that I do have the capacity to learn to draw, even if ADHD is an additional hurdle sometimes.

We are all capable of truly remarkable things – if we’re willing to put in the effort.

At a basic level, living from a growth mindset means embracing the idea that we can do *almost* anything we set our minds to. 

And, honestly, I mostly believe this to be true. The caveat is just that it’s going to be super hard and frustrating and take a lot longer than we want it to. And that’s an important caveat.

Fixed mindset expects instant results. It tells us that if we aren’t immediately good at something, it’s because we lack the talent or capacity. It tells us to give up without really trying. A fixed mindset feeds the inner gremlins of not good enough any time we make a mistake or things don’t turn out perfectly. 

But, we have to be willing to be bad at things if we ever want to get good at them. And that takes courage and effort. It means cultivating the willingness to bear the discomfort (and occasional indignity) of being a newb, being a learner, not being the best. 

But it’s such a beautiful and kind and generous way to hold ourselves.

Growth Means Focusing on Progress over Outcome

Again, there are a lot of external factors that make it extra hard to achieve critical and commercial success at the stuff we’re working on. And if the thing we’re trying to accomplish is tied to a specific outcome rather than a skillset or process, then we’re often likely to be disappointed.

If I arbitrarily decide that being good at drawing means having my sketches on the wall of a museum, I’m setting myself up for a world of hurt. If, however, I set the bar as something I can measure for myself – such as being able to look at something and draw a reasonable likeness – then I’m both a lot more likely to try and to eventually succeed. 

Similarly, if we decide that being good at something means winning a prize, getting however many followers on social, or earning six figures a year – that layers on a lot of pressure. This is where goals can undermine us if we focus on them too closely.

Yes, aspiring to being a professional sports-ball player is an admirable goal, and some people do achieve it! Same with writing best-selling books, starring in blockbuster films or Broadway hits, becoming an astronaut or world-famous artist. But the odds are slim, and a fixed mindset will try to convince us that if we don’t achieve those goals, we have failed.

But working on getting really good at sports-ball, writing, acting, science-ing, or creating art – focusing our efforts on getting just a little bit better every day – will leave us a lot more inspired and fulfilled than hanging our sense of self-worth on specific outcomes.

Growth Mindset Means Trial and Trial Again

I’ve recently decided I don’t like the phrase “trial and error” because it implies that in trying something and not getting it “right” the first time, we’ve somehow made a mistake. That’s fixed mindset in action, y’all.

Rather, I like the idea of trial and awareness – what did we learn from that trial? What are we aware of now that we weren’t aware of before? What will we do differently the next time?

Practicing growth mindset means trying things, and then trying them again, and again, and again until we get to a place of satisfaction. Note, I didn’t say until we get it “right” or “perfect” because the beautiful thing about being an adult with agency and choice is that we actually get to decide when we are good enough at something. We can decided when we’ve made something that’s good enough (or even awesome)!

Practicing growth mindset also means fighting against the impulse to give up when something doesn’t turn out as we’d hoped. The first time I ran a giveaway promotion on the podcast and Instagram, one person participated, and it was a dear friend. The offer felt vulnerable to put out there in the first place (because I was trying something new and asking for support!), and I didn’t get the results I wanted. 

Fixed mindset tried to tell me that it was a failure, and I shouldn’t try again. It whispered at me that not getting a massive response was because I just don’t have what it takes to get people to participate, that some people have what it takes but not me.

Historically, I would have let that bullshit win. But adopting an attitude of trial and awareness, of growth mindset, let me approach the experience with curiosity instead:

• Was the prize something my audience actually wanted? 
• Were the instructions clear and easy to follow? 
• Did I need to give it more time for people to respond/participate? 
• What do I want to do differently next time to see if I get a different result?

All of those growth-oriented questions feel empowering. They offer me the opportunity to look at what happened through the lens of inquiry rather than critique. 

How liberating would it be if we could look at the things in our life that didn’t work out the way we wanted as an opportunity to try something different? Wouldn’t that be so much better than finding nothing but evidence of failure or not-enough-ness or getting things wrong?

That’s the kind of liberation I want for me, and I definitely want it for you! So, here’s my blessing for both of us: the next time we try someing, let’s give ourselves a fucking break and treat it as an opportunity to grow. The point isn’t to nail it on the first try, it’s to learn or notice something new with every repetition. 

---

The recording of this article includes bonus commentary! Below is the transcript of those portions.

[01:14] Hello, my friend.

[01:16] Oh my gosh. This is episode number 50.

[01:21] I mean, technically this is like episode number 70 something, but like, in terms of what I have been giving numbers to and officially calling episodes, we have reached episode number 50. And that just makes my heart really fucking happy.

[01:36] This podcast started as a blog in 2022, and like, I set out saying I’m gonna write six posts over six weeks and see what happens.

[01:49] And we’re two and a half years later, almost three, and like, fucking, I’ve got 50 recorded episodes up and live and ready for you to listen.

[02:02] And that just is so fucking cool.

[02:05] And really ties into, like, the topic for today’s episode. I thought a lot about, like, what I wanted to talk about since, you.

[02:13] Know, round numbers are important.

[02:16] And a while ago I had drafted.

[02:18] This post about fixed mindset, and this just seemed like a nice time to.

[02:23] Finally bring it out and offer it to you.

[02:25] So this is a hybrid episode.

[02:26] I’m gonna talk a little bit.

[02:27] I’m gonna read the post that I.

[02:30] Wrote and then I’ll probably talk about it a little bit more, especially because.

[02:34] Like, I’ve got some big life changes coming up that are pretty exciting and.

[02:39] That I think I’m gonna wait until.

[02:41] After I read this to you to talk about.

[02:46] So look at that.

[02:47] You gotta listen if you want the want the skinny want the deets,

[02:52] but this also pairs nicely with last week’s episode about embracing imperfection and the non linear path that fixed mindset and perfectionism are best buds.

[03:03] And I’ve talked about it a lot.

[03:04] On the podcast and in the blog.

[03:06] And now I’m finally gonna like walk through, like what I actually mean when I talk about fixed mindset.

[03:12] So if you aren’t already familiar, hooray, here we go. And if you are, you know, we all need repetition and reminders and so.

[03:20] Hopefully this will give you a nice little nudge to like examine the stories that you might be telling yourself about what you can and can’t do.

[READS ARTICLE]

13:44] Oh, man, this is so timely.

[13:48] I’m so delighted to be sharing this.

[13:49] With you right now and to have just gotten to read it to myself.

[13:53] Aloud again because I am about to go back to school, y’.

[13:59] All.

[14:02] I.

[14:03] And specifically I’m going to be taking some art classes.

[14:07] And so this, like,

[14:08] analogy story, whatever, parable about drawing is very relevant and has been very up for me in the last couple of weeks as I’ve been making decisions in the background and.

[14:20] Thinking about long term planning.

[14:22] And I’m just like putting this out into the world.

[14:25] If you’re listening, put some good juju on this. But I’m hoping to get into a master’s program in art therapy.

[14:33] All of the conversations that I’ve been having on this podcast over the last two years,

[14:38] therapists and about trauma,

[14:41] have finally made it clear to me that I actually really want to be supporting people in healing their trauma.

[14:47] And that’s not really the purview of a coach.

[14:50] So.

[14:50] So I’m gonna be heading back to school. I’m still gonna be coaching.

[14:54] I am still gonna be doing this.

[14:55] Podcast, but we’re gonna see how often it is feasible for me to do it. And I’m gonna be in a, in.

[15:04] A big old place of growth mindset.

[15:07] Of learning new things, being in the.

[15:10] Situation of being a noob.

[15:12] And I’m pretty excited about it.

[15:15] And reading this back to you, I was also struck by how something that’s going on for me in the last couple of months is I’ve been watching Mythbusters.

[15:25] I’ve been like, working my way through, like a decade of Mythbusters because the episodes are funny and interesting and nothing particularly terrible happens. And that is the palate cleanser that my brain has needed given the state of the world.

[15:41] And it’s been bringing me a lot of joy. And it’s also been really reinforcing this idea of trial and trial again,

[15:48] that the show is testing ideas, it’s trying to figure out how to make things work, whether they work or not,

[15:56] and just continuing to try until they figure something out.

[16:00] And that is just such a lovely example of growth mindset, of the scientific method of really understanding that you’re not.

[16:11] Going to get it perfectly the first time.

[16:14] And that’s been a just lovely reinforcing.

[16:18] Practice for this little recovering perfectionist.

[16:22] And as someone who has historically really.

[16:25] Struggled with a fixed mindset.

[16:27] So just putting in a plug if you need. If you need some easy watching. And you forgot that that was an option. There you go.

[16:36] And also in terms of the putting things out there and just trying,

[16:41] I.

[16:41] Have put together a Patreon.

[16:43] It’s a monthly membership donation contribution to.

[16:48] Help me keep this podcast going to offer your support. There’s some cute little prizes if you.

[16:56] Donate at certain amounts.

[16:58] The lowest amount is $5 a month.

[17:00] That’s like a $25 an episode.

[17:03] And it would really mean a lot to me if you considered signing up.

[17:07] And as always, if you want to.

[17:10] Work on your own fixed mindset, your own sort of perfectionism resonated with anything here in this episode, you can also.

[17:20] Visit my website and either book a free chemistry call or a sample coaching session. Because I would love to work with you on this stuff.

[17:27] I’m deeply familiar with it and really love getting to work with people on.

[17:32] Believing that you are capable of achieving the shit that you want for yourself. Because you are. I believe in you.

[17:40] And my whole work in the world is.

[17:42] Is really around helping you believe that and then, like, take action in that direct.

[17:49] So my invitation for this episode is to, like, try something new.

[17:56] Tap into that little, like, whisper in your soul of the thing that you want for yourself that you’ve been telling.

[18:00] Yourself you can’t have.

[18:02] And just like, maybe do a little journaling, maybe draw a little picture about it. I don’t know, maybe have a conversation with somebody you love and let them.

[18:10] Know, like, hey, this is actually something.

[18:13] That I dream about and just see what unfolds.

[18:18] Because the universe is pretty magical and we are really genuinely capable of more.

[18:23] Than we give ourselves credit for.

[18:25] So remember, you’re fucking awesome and I believe in you.