Sh*tting on Your Ex Is Sh*tting on Yourself

Let’s be real, it can feel damn good to shit talk exes. (Anger is a stage of grief, after all). Rather than getting overwhelmed by sorrow, it can be much easier to focus on how an ex was “an asshole,” “a crazy bitch,” or “a really fucked up person.” 

It can feel awesome to vent some rage about how that person failed us, let us down, and turned out to be a dumpster fire of a human… Fuck them. You deserve better. They are clearly a piece of shit and you are going to move on with your life!

Feels a lot better to be pissed than it is to sit around and process grief or find compassion, right? 

Eh, maybe.

When we talk that kind of shit, or rather, when we stay stuck in that kind of shit talking for a substantial length of time and repeat those stories over and over, we’re also shit talking ourselves. We’re staying stuck in the problem. And we’re opening the door to the inner critic and inviting it to make itself cozy. Because if we were dating an asshole or a terrible person, then, our inner critic likes to chime in, there must be something wrong with us for “falling for it” in the first place.

Err’body’s Just Wounded, Y’all 

Now, my ex and I broke up in October but only recently cut ties. It was painful and not handled especially well. He has trauma and attachment wounds (like we all do). And the ways that those things showed up for him and between us caused a lot of miscommunication and pain – especially given my own trauma and attachment wounding. None of it was intentional. He’s not malicious or a bad person. And although I occasionally need to indulge in some mental name calling (‘cause I’m heartbroken and grieving), that’s not where I want to live. It’s like eating a pint of ice cream or a whole bag of Cheetos – feels comforting on the surface level but can wreak some havoc on the inside if I keep doing it.

More often, I’m consciously choosing to remind myself that we cared deeply for each other but just couldn’t get into alignment. That we both had a part in how things played out. That, of course I’m sad and angry, but I do want to move forward. And even though we had to stop talking for the foreseeable future, staying mad at him for it doesn’t actually help anything. Because the truth is, he’s not an asshole. He’s wounded. We all are.

But, oh boy, have I dated a whole lot of “assholes” in the past. Or, I thought I did because I didn’t have the language of trauma and wounding to help me get to the other side of criticism and blame. And you know what? Every time I dated another asshole, I got further and further mired in my own shitty stories that then, in turn, held me back from finding true intimacy and self-love.

People are imperfect and wounded. Trauma doesn’t heal itself. And people let us down in spite of their best intentions. All too often, people judge themselves by those intentions rather than how they actually behaved. They didn’t mean to hurt us, so they rationalize and justify their behavior and often try to make it our fault for being hurt in the first place – which is shitty. And we absolutely don’t have to put up with it. 

But it also doesn’t make them terrible people. And staying stuck in anger only makes things worse in the long run. 

The Stories We Tell Ourselves About Them Impact Us

While staying mad can feel good for a while (and it’s a necessary and healthy emotion to process), when we hang out there for an extended period of time, it ultimately bleeds into being mad at ourselves. 

If I love an asshole or a fucked up person, what does that say about me? About my capacity for love, or my worth, or my decision-making? Continually berating my ex in my head (or on paper or with friends) only feeds the shitty stories that I’ve been working to let go of for so long:

• I’m only attracted to damage.
• The people I like aren’t interested in me.
• I’m too much.
• Relationships work for other people but not for me.
• People are just going to leave, so what’s even the point of trying?

All of those shitty beliefs have been fueled by staying angry at and critical of my exes. 

Anger will keep on burning so long as we tend to it. If we hold onto the stories that they fucked us over, that they are shitty people and we never should have dated them… then we can’t move on. We just stay stuck on the hamster wheel of anger – spinning around and around in the ways in which our exes failed us, couldn’t do better, didn’t have the tools to treat us well. But that just burns up our energy and attention and joy. 

You can’t be angry and joyful at the same time. And boy howdy, would I rather be joyful.

The Only Way Out Is Through

Now, for a lot of recovering people pleasers or folx with CPTSD (or any number of ineffective coping mechanisms), anger can be scary or shameful. Maybe in our families we learned that anger wasn’t allowed or was wrong or dangerous. So we stifled it. We sucked it up and learned to ignore it.

But, as with all emotions, that shit is gonna come out sideways if you don’t let it vent. 

Anger is a totally natural emotion. It’s healthy and normal, especially when we’ve been hurt. Especially when, in hindsight, we can clearly see how the other person (in our opinion) should have behaved to avoid causing us pain. If I don’t acknowledge to myself that I’m angry or frustrated or resentful or exasperated, I’m not going to be able to get to the other side of it.

So venting and letting ourselves be angry is important. The trick is not getting stuck in the venting. There’s a difference between blowing off steam and staying stuck in the problem. But we can’t skip over the feeling it part – much as we might like to.

Get Angry, But Keep Going

Step one? Acknowledge you’re pissed. Ideally, by writing it out. Get all that shit down on paper and out of your head.

Write it all out. How much of an asshole they were. How they fucking sucked at showing up. How they need to deal with their shit instead of running away from everything. How they failed you and hurt you and should have done/been/known better because they are a grown-ass person who should fucking behave like one! RAWR!!

Do it. It’ll feel good (hopefully/maybe/sort of). Just don’t stop there.

Step two, validate the fuck out of your feelings.

Say (or write) to yourself: of course you feel angry. It totally makes sense that you are hurt and frustrated. They really shouldn’t have done or said the thing that hurt you. Anyone would be hurt by that. You are absolutely justified in being angry. It wasn’t fair. It wasn’t kind. You do deserve better. You are so worthy of love, and you showed up well, and being angry makes complete sense.

Honoring and accepting those feelings is an act of self-love and self-compassion. It helps to diffuse the hurt and betrayal, and it reminds us that our feelings are normal and human and totally understandable. It takes the wind out of the sails of rage to remember that we’re not alone in our indignation, that our experience is not unique. 

And once you’ve diffused the anger, then the third step is to direct your attention to who and how you want to be and what you actually want to believe. 

Leaving the past behind means looking ahead. Letting go means getting clear on what we want to invite in. Regardless of how woo woo you may or may not be, whether you believe in the power of energetic vibration or laws of attraction, I hope we can all agree that it’s just not super attractive when folx are stuck and angry and bitter about their exes. 

So if we want love and support and gentleness in our lives, we can focus on being that for ourselves and for others. We can say things like:

• I believe people are fundamentally doing the best they can with what they’ve got.
• I believe that even though this person let me down, there are people out there who are willing and able to show up for me.
• I believe in love and partnership and that I’m capable of showing up well with other people. 
• I believe I am loveable and will find love again.
• I believe that my past doesn’t determine my future, and I will find someone who is a better fit for me.

Doesn’t that feel better? More hopeful? More kind? How does it make you feel in your body to focus on the positive rather than the bullshit you’re trying to leave behind? 

Hopefully it feels lighter and more expansive. 

And even if you don’t believe all of that right now, make a list of what you want to believe. And then repeat it again, and again, and again until you start to believe. Because what we tell ourselves matters. What we repeat to ourselves over and over again shapes our reality. And if we stay awake to it, we get to choose those stories. So let’s pick better ones for ourselves and open the door to a better future.