Start Talking to Yourself Like a Friend

Do you do the thing that so many of us do where you call yourself an idiot for making a minor mistake? Do you say things like “I’m so stupid,” or “I suck,” or “I’m the worst?”

If so, you’re not alone. But also – please knock that shit off. Please? It’s not nice. And it’s not accurate. And the things we say to ourselves really fucking matter. I cannot emphasize this enough.

The words we use and the stories we tell ourselves shape our reality. Period. Fact. Fundamental proposition. 

The more we say and hear and repeat things, the more ingrained and internalized they become, the more we ultimately believe them – even if we don’t want to. When we repeat negative self-talk over and over and over and over, it sticks. We wear metaphorical grooves in our brains that run deep. So, we’re not going to be able to just decide our way out of believing that shit or immediately stop doing it, but we have to start trying.

Would You Say That to a Friend?

When someone we love (or even just like) makes a mistake or does something a bit silly or nonsensical, we don’t berate them. We don’t call them stupid idiots. (I hope you don’t. If you do, that’s definitely something I’d gently encourage you to reconsider as a life choice).

When someone else forgets to add a key ingredient, or turn on the oven, or set a timer, or start the washing machine, or take the trash to the curb, or takes a wrong turn, or loses track of time and shows up five minutes late, or any of a host of other minor hiccups that occur in daily living – we don’t treat that as an indicator of their intelligence or worth or value as a human.

So why the fuck do we do that to ourselves?!

That’s a rhetorical question. We do it because we have mean inner critics, because we’ve been socialized to believe that being mean to ourselves will somehow motivate us to do/be/look better. We berate ourselves because at some point that’s what was modeled to us, and we learned that lesson so well that it became automatic. 

But it doesn’t work. Seriously, it doesn’t. Think about it – when you know someone is disappointed in you or thinks poorly of you, how does that make you feel? Does it make you want to spend time with them? Does it make you excited to do the things they ask of you?

It doesn’t for me. When I feel like someone disapproves of me, I retreat. I curl up in on myself and often fall into the shame pit. I procrastinate. I avoid. I shrink. I do not enthusiastically show up for whatever it is they want from me and then perform with confidence.

Start Listening to Yourself

Now, I know this little pep talk of mine isn’t anything you haven’t heard before. We all know we’re supposed to be nice to ourselves and practice self-compassion and miraculously set aside all of the gunk that clogs up our pipelines of self-love. But just knowing that doesn’t make it easy to do.

There’s a lot of work between moving from shame and insecurity and the wounds of our childhood into treating ourselves well, inhabiting our worth, loving ourselves generously. And it starts with listening to yourself – both in the sense of connecting with your inner compass and in the sense of just actually listening to what comes out of your mouth or spins around in your head.

Until we recognize something as a problem, we can’t/won’t/don’t change it. So if you need a little motivation to really dig into what I’m talking about here, try this exercise:

For one day (just one!) keep track of all the mean, negative, shaming, belittling, unkind, demeaning, or minimizing things you say to yourself. Get a little notebook to carry around or use a notes app on your phone. Commit to really listening to yourself for the day, and record the shit that comes up. Notice the automatic thoughts or responses to minor mishaps, wrong turns, forgotten tasks or items, and then write that shit down. All of it. 

Every time you’re mean to yourself, make a note. It’ll make clear both the frequency and the flavor of the ways you drag yourself down. 

Bonus task: notice how often you say “I’m sorry” for shit that doesn’t remotely warrant an apology or excuse. (You don’t have to apologize for existing, my love. You don’t have to shrink yourself to move through the world.)

Maybe just the thought of this task is enough to convince you. Or, maybe you don’t have to go through a whole day of it to take my point. But doing so will definitely help you see, really see, the ways that you talk to yourself. And hopefully persuade you that something’s gotta change. 

Change Is Easier with Support

Note: the exercise above will not be fun. So, I’d recommend bookending it with a therapist or a friend or loved one. (Bookending meaning planning in advance to check in around it afterward with someone, having a trusted and supportive person available to debrief with so you aren’t just sitting in that gunk alone).

If you didn’t need to actually write things out, if you already know this is a pattern you want to disrupt, then skip straight to asking your friends and loved ones to help you be nicer to yourself. While it’s great to start recognizing the patterns and behaviors in yourself, making substantive changes in that arena will be easier with support.

In my close-friend group, we’ve taken to calling each other out when we hear negative self-talk. When we hear each other say something like “I’m an idiot” or “that was real dumb” or “smooth move, ex-lax” we interject and say, “hey! Be nice to my friend!”

And you know what? It really helps. Because we wouldn’t say that shit to a friend. And hearing someone we love remind us to be nice to someone else we love (i.e. ourselves), gets our attention in a really helpful way.

It’s important, of course, to enlist people you feel emotionally safe with, since you definitely don’t need to add shame for negative self-talk to the shit-pile of negative self-talk. Shame is NOT a good instructor. So, we probably don’t want to invite everyone in our lives to call us out on being mean to ourselves. But enlisting the people you spend the most time with, the ones you’re closest to or feel safest with can go a long way to help.

Change doesn’t happen overnight – no matter how much we might want it to. It happens incrementally, over time, and often at a pace that isn’t fast enough for our taste. But it gains momentum with support and community. 

If you and at least one other person in your life commit to being nicer to yourselves, you’ll be in it together. It won’t feel so lonely or overwhelming. You don’t need a posse to rescue yourself, but a comforting hand to hold definitely makes it easier to find your way.