If You Can’t Love Yourself, How Can You Trust That Others Do?

Despite what Instagram and TikTok and the rest of the internet might say, cultivating self-love is fucking hard to do. Being able to look yourself in the mirror and say, “damn. I’m awesome!” and then a) not cringe and b) actually mean it? That takes a lot of fucking work and patience. But it is possible. It’s also absolutely necessary if we ever want to be able to show up fully and wholly in our relationships.

The great RuPaul is fond of closing out episodes of Drag Race with the catchphrase, “If you can’t love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else?” And that’s a great sentiment! 

Except, no disrespect to Mama Ru, the phrase is other-focused. It tells us that the point of loving ourselves is so that we can show up better for someone else. But maybe, more importantly, we need to love ourselves so that we can truly let someone else love us, too. So that we can fully relax and actually believe they mean it when they say and show us all the ways that we are loved.

How do we get there? Well, therapy is awesome. So is having a community of support and curating your social media to feed you affirming messaging. Follow @softcore_trauma, @thebodyisnotanapology, @sugarandsloth, @akprzy, @bunnymichael, @createthelove, @celestebarber and many, many more social media accounts that are committed to helping you let go of shame and toxicity and settling for less than you deserve.

Self-love is built over time through small, repetitive thoughts and actions – including being mindful of the shit you consume online. It happens through treating yourself lovingly, taking care of your heart, mind, and body in little ways. And it’s so vital to do that work. Because you ARE worth it; you are loveable; you are an amazing and magical gift from the universe, even if you don’t feel like it right now.

Our Capacity for Love Starts Within

Here’s the thing – if we’re plagued by insecurities or doubt or shame or the shitty voice in our head that tells us we’re unworthy, then it’s damn difficult to believe someone else truly loves us. If we’ve got this nasty voice inside telling us that “if only they knew the real me, they’d… [fill in the blank],” then we’re always going to feel insecure in our relationships. We’re always going to be looking for validation from other people, and no matter how hard they try or how bad we want to believe them, whatever they offer won’t actually be enough.

I speak from experience on this one, y’all. Trust me. I spent the better part of two decades dating and having sex with people in the hopes that they would love me so that I could love myself. I poured my self-worth into how well somebody else could reflect it back to me. And that shit was agonizingly painful.

Shaky self-worth is like a bucket with a hole in it. We spend every day trying to fill it up by hungrily collecting whatever we can get from others. We seek out praise and admiration through achievements; we try to earn words of affirmation and love; we use people-pleasing or sexuality to prove our worth. We scavenge for whatever scraps of evidence we can get to convince ourselves we’re worthy of love. 

But at the end of the day, the fucking bucket is either empty or only half full, and we have to start all over again the next day. It’s a never ending cycle until we plug up the hole and know in our core that we’re always already enough. That we’re always already loveable and worthy and a unique, sparkly gift from the universe here to bring something wonderful to the people around us.

You Are a Miracle (Seriously)

Believing in your own awesomeness may sound like a tall order (depending on how big the hole in your self-worth bucket currently is), but YOU ARE AWESOME. I promise. If you think about how incredibly, ridiculously miraculous it is that you even exist – all the factors that had to line up precisely, how your parents had to be born and then meet each other, how many million different cells could have come together to produce someone else but didn’t – then whether you believe in chaos or fate, the fact remains that YOU come into being and have something completely unique to offer the world. 

There are no other you’s out there. You are a fucking miracle.

And you have to start owning that if you want to feel safe and secure in your relationships. If you want to feel good in your body, good in your soul, good in your day-to-day trudge through this adventure of life – it starts with the recognition and appreciation of what you have to offer this world. Because it IS something unique and precious and delightful – whatever it is.

Maybe you’re awesome at making people feel comfortable. Maybe you’re really good at remembering things about people and fostering connection. Maybe you can follow the shit out of a set of instructions. Maybe you have a great eye for beauty. Maybe you’re an awesome parent. Maybe you can see the big picture and find a path forward. Maybe you’re attentive to details and exceptionally good at problem solving. Maybe you make people laugh. Maybe you’re a spreadsheet ninja. Maybe you can project manage the shit out of anything that needs doing. Maybe you’re incredibly sensitive and empathetic and help others feel seen. 

Whatever the fuck you’re good at, it’s unique, and it’s precious, and you have to start giving yourself some credit for what you DO have to offer rather then beating yourself with the stick of what you’re not.

I am not musically talented. I struggle with rhythm, and dancing intimidates me. I’m scared of “dangerous” sports (skiing, snowboarding, trail running). I sunburn easily and really don’t like the beach. It’s hard for me to see the big picture and not get lost in the details. I hate managing other people or being in a leadership position. Big groups of people make me super uncomfortable. I absolutely suck at trivia. All of which could easily fuel my sense of not-enoughness if I let it. 

But who fucking cares!? My worth is not a matter of my ability to sing or dance or perform tricks. It’s not a matter of whether I enjoy everything that other people enjoy. It’s not a matter of being good at all the things. We don’t actually have to be good at anything to be worthy and loveable! It can just be helpful to start acknowledging what we are good at, what we do have to offer, what is precious in us – in order to start building our sense of self-love from within.

You Have to Start Somewhere

Now, no matter where you currently are on the scale of self-love, there is hope. If you’re feeling pretty okay about yourself most of the time but have a few real tender insecurities that crop up, there is hope. Or, if you’re generally on the insecure side of things and tend to be hard on yourself, but you can acknowledge that there are at least a few awesome things about yourself? There is hope. If you’re stuck in the mire of self-loathing and constantly berating yourself for not being whatever-the-fuck-enough, there is hope – it’s just going to be a long journey. 

You gotta start somewhere, though, and it’s always helpful to take a baseline before diving into self improvement. So! If you want to start making progress on the journey to self-love, grab a pen and a journal and answer the following questions.

On a scale of one to ten:

1. How much do I like who I am today?
2. How proud of myself am I today?
3. How nice to myself have I been in the past few days?
4. How well am I taking care of myself these days?
   • Physically?
   • Mentally?
   • Socially?
   • Spiritually or creatively?
5. How well am I maintaining my boundaries around:
   • Work?
   • Health/food/exercise?
   • Friendships?
   • Romantic relationships?
   • Family?
6. How much fun or laughter have I enjoyed in the last week or two?
7. How good do I feel in my own skin today?

[Note: nobody is going to score tens across the board. I feel pretty damn good about myself these days, and I’m still landing around 8 in a lot of these and definitely more like a 6 around work. So don’t be hard on yourself about wherever you land.]

If you’re rockin’ it in a few of these but feel shaky in others, great. That’s super helpful information. If you don’t like your answers to some or all of this, you’ve just identified some key areas of opportunity. Don’t use this as another stick in the shame arsenal. It’s just a baseline. And we can’t make changes unless we’re aware of what we want to change.

So now that you have a baseline, put this away and don’t look at it for a month! Circle back after you’ve tried one or two of the following practices and then see what shifted.

Pick One Practice and Commit to It

Having identified some problem areas, you might feel an impulse to go full-force on the “I’m gonna fix this!!” scale. (At least, that’s where I tend to go). But slow your roll, sweetheart. This ain’t gonna happen overnight and pushing hard(er) won’t yield long-term results. 

Also, we aren’t projects in need of fixing. We’re just shiny, precious little human nuggets on the path to healing and health and wholeness. Wherever you are, you’re doing great. You’re right where you need to be. And this is just an opportunity to participate in your own evolution.

Here are some exercises to practice loving yourself well. The important thing is just to stick to it – commit to doing one thing on the daily for at least a few weeks.

• Start journaling. Write down where your head’s at each morning and then write something nice in response if you don’t like where you started. i.e. write a paragraph of whatever gunk is mucking around in that trunk, then write another paragraph as if you were responding to a friend who was saying all that to themselves.
• If you have shame that you’re carrying around, read some Brene Brown and find a trusted person to talk about it with. This might be a therapist or a close friend. Plan ahead. Identify one or two things that you feel deep shame around and set aside time to talk about them. (Don’t try to tackle all of it at once).
• Write out one or two daily affirmations and repeat them to yourself throughout the day. These might look like:
  • I show up for my friends.
  • I am a good listener.
  • I make people laugh.
  • I have awesome hair/butt/boobs/lips/eyes/etc.
  • I am kind to others.
  • I am strong and brave and willing to try.
• Enlist a trusted friend to share these affirmations with on the daily. Send each other texts about it. Having support and community will make it feel less awkward and vulnerable to start owning our worth. 
• Do power posing for two minutes in the mirror every day. Super bonus: repeat your daily affirmation while you’re at it (while looking yourself in the eye!)
• Write yourself a supportive love note in your journal each day. Say something like: “Dear Cate, my darling, you’re working so hard lately, and I’m really proud of you. I know this feels hard, but it’s really going to be worth it. I want you to know that you’re amazing, and I love you.” [Except write it to yourself, not me. 😉]
• And if all of this feels way too uncomfortable, buy yourself an affirmation card deck and pull one each morning. Read it aloud and take a deep breathe to let it sink in.

Also… Therapy. If you have the means, if you have the insurance, if you have the access – avail yourself of it. We can only get so far on our own, and going to therapy is NOT a sign of weakness or failing or any of that other bullshit your brain might try to tell you. You’re not too old for it. You’re not too “set in your ways.” You’re not “too” anything to benefit from mental health counseling. 2020 was fucking traumatic, y’all. For ALL of us. Everyone could benefit from a little support and perspective when it comes to making your inner life a little brighter.

And just remember that the path to self-love is a long one, and it’s slow going. Things won’t change overnight. We can’t just “decide” to love ourselves and be done with it. It’s a daily practice that requires diligence and effort. 

[If the inner child shit doesn’t resonate with you, skip the next paragraph.]

If, on some level, you’re willing to think about the tender, inner part of you as a kid, then your job now is to show up for that kid. When you catch yourself in the negative thought patterns or critical self talk, ask yourself if that’s something you really want to be saying to a five-year-old? What would you tell a kid who was having a hard day or struggling or needed some comfort and reassurance? Say those things to yourself instead. Your little you deserves kindness, even (and especially) if that’s not what they got in childhood. You’re the only one who can reparent yourself. Looking to others for that is always going to let you down.

We’re the only ones who can love ourselves properly. If we want to be able to believe that someone else truly loves us, we have to believe we are worthy of that love. We have to love ourselves first so that when the people in our lives shower us in the love and kindness and affection we absolutely deserve, we can actually receive it.