What Do You Actually Need?

Identifying needs is probably one of the hardest things to do. It requires checking in with yourself in a deep and mindful way, which is a process that most of us never really had modeled. Instead, we get told – by society, by our family of origin, by our inner critic – that our needs are “too much,” or that it’s wrong or bad or shameful to ask for what we need.

And that is such fucking bullshit, I can’t even. But it’s also the reality that I’ve lived with most of my adult life. I got a lot of messaging throughout my childhood and teenhood and early-adulthood that my wants and needs were wrong; that I shouldn’t want or need things from other people; that I should just take care of myself because I couldn’t rely on anyone else to do it for me. 

All of which kept me really lonely and isolated and cut off from the intuitive part of me that was trying to help me take care of myself through connection with others.

We need other people. Not only because humans are hard-wired for connection, but because life is too fucking hard to do alone. It’s all just too much. If we don’t have people to love and support us, people to connect with and feel seen by, we’re statistically much more likely to die sooner (seriously, this is a thing). 

Identifying Your Needs Is Fundamental to Self-Care & Healthy Connection

Cultivating connection can be really difficult. If you (like me) struggle with attachment wounding, it’s real fucking hard to build healthy connection and trust and intimacy with others. A big part of overcoming those obstacles is finding the right people. And if you don’t know what you need from people in order to feel safe, you’re likely to keep trying to connect with people who are a bad fit.

Taking good care of yourself involves learning who to let in and who to keep out, and that requires getting clear on what you actually need in relationships. Romantic, especially. If you don’t know what you need from a partner, it’s pretty likely you’re going to either accept a whole lot of bullshit and be miserable, or, similarly, twist yourself into knots trying to make your needs fit whatever they have to offer. And neither of those are workable solutions. (Believe me, I’ve tried them. Many times. And it always ends in tears).

Wants vs. Needs – WTF?

There’s a big difference between wants and needs in relationship. I might want a partner who likes playing board games or loves spicy food as much as I do. I might want a partner who will take dance lessons with me, who will be excited to do a couples Halloween costume, or who likes gardening/taking care of the yard (that would be so fucking rad. I hate yard work). Those are all understandable and legitimate things to want, things that might make a relationship extra shiny and sparkly and wonderful. But those aren’t needs. They’d just be fun or cool or easier or nice to have. They aren’t things that will fundamentally feel destabilizing or unsafe if I don’t have them. 

Needs are the things that if you don’t have them, you feel awful. Not just disappointed or frustrated, but fucking awful. If not having something makes you feel any of the following, then it’s an actual need: rejected, taken for granted, undesirable, disrespected, demeaned, shameful, isolated, disconnected, disassociated, gaslit, destabilized, or any of these kinds of painful, core emotions. Those feelings are a pretty decent barometer for making the distinction between wants and needs.

Do I feel fucking awful if this criteria isn’t met? Does not having it make me question my sanity or worth or lovability or value as a human? Then that is a god damn need.

Wants, on the other hand, are a lot softer in their absence. You might feel disappointed, confused, or a bit frustrated at times. You might not understand why they can’t get it the way you want. You might fantasize about how much more fun it would be if they would just _____!! 

It can be hard not to get what you want. But it doesn’t fundamentally impact your core sense of safety and stability. It doesn’t leave you feeling shitty and dejected and hurt in the way that not getting your needs met absolutely does.

How to Identify Your Needs

Great. So, now that we’re clear on the difference between wants and needs, how the fuck do you figure out what you need? Well, you look at your past relationships. Take a long, hard look and do some fact finding by tracing emotional thrulines. And look at the full spectrum – digging through both the muck and the sparkle.

If thinking about past relationships, it’s easier to access what felt awful, start there. Do a bit of unpleasant backtracking and look at the times that you felt terrible. Then ask yourself some questions. Ideally, write down your answers! This will be useful information to return to, and there’s a lot of research about the value of journaling. 

Those feelings I mentioned above (rejected, undesirable, demeaned, shamed, disconnected, etc) are key indicators of unmet needs. So, track those down and ask yourself:

• Identify a time you felt rejected, shamed, disconnected, etc. What triggered that experience? What happened?
• How did you get there with that partner? In other words, what was the underlying cause behind the surface circumstances that resulted in your distress? 
• What were the ways that your partner didn’t show up for you or the shitty things they did or said that triggered those emotions? 

After you’ve gone through some of the muck, take a break. Take a breather. Get up and stretch your legs, make yourself a cup of tea, and snuggle a pet or a squishmallow or meditate or do something to self soothe a bit. Taking breaks from emotional labor is really, really important. 

Then! Dive back in and start looking at the sparkle. Look for the ways that past relationships filled you up. (For your sake, I deeply hope that this is an option for you! If you can look back on your dating history and easily see the good? Kudos, friend. You’re doing great!) Even the garbage past relationships, the ones that left us hurt and betrayed and really fucked up, still had something to offer at some point that drew us in. So look for what it was that called to you.

To find the shine, ask yourself: 

• When did you feel most seen, loved, appreciated, held, cared for, etc? 
• What were the ways your partner showed up for you that were deeply meaningful and loving? 
• How did they hold space for your most tender parts? 
• What did that look like and mean for you?

Hopefully, that part of the exercise has left you feeling a bit more hopeful and tender and optimistic. Not all past relationships were complete trash. Not all humans are trash! Yay! And if not everyone and not all relationships were poop, then it’s entirely possible and even likely that your next one will be better. That is a core belief it’s super important to hold onto if you want to find your way to the love you deserve. 

You Get Five (or Six) Not Fifteen

It can be easy to come up with a long list of things you think you “need” in relationship. But the longer the list, the more likely it is that you’re setting yourself up with unrealistic expectations and closing yourself off to love. Or, really just making a long list of what you want and not giving the universe the opportunity to step in to provide what you need.

Settling is bullshit, but compromise and open-heartedness aren’t. Even your perfect person isn’t going to actually BE perfect. The perfect person for you is the one who is going to help you heal and grow and understand yourself better. And that usually entails some friction. It’s the sandpaper that smooths out our rough edges. So, we have to come up with a realistic list. 

And then you can test it when you try dating. Pay attention to when you get triggered and what causes it. And if you’re already in a relationship, then share your list with your partner – talk about it so they can better understand how to love you well. This is incredibly vulnerable, but it also sets you both up for taking better care of each other and nurturing the relationship itself.

What A Needs List Looks Like

I’ve been working with a marvelous relationship coach/spiritual advisor for more than a year now (seriously, we need people, y’all), and she encouraged me to get clear on my core relationship needs. Then, after I did, she asked me to share them here because apparently this is something that a lot of folks struggle with. 

[Sidenote: I just want to say that sharing this makes me want to throw up a little bit because it’s suuuuuper vulnerable. 🤢 However, I fundamentally believe we need to see vulnerability modeled in order to do it ourselves. And it doesn’t serve anyone to pretend like I’m all breezy about sharing some of my innermost thoughts and feelings on the fucking internet. But I’m doing it anyway. Because it might be helpful to somebody, and that’s part of what I see as my purpose in the world – to draw on my experience to help others. (But that’s another post).]

So! Here’s my core relationship need statement: 

I need an intimate and supportive relationship in which I feel safe, seen, and desired.

And here are the baseline needs that support that core.

An active and connected sex life.

What this means for me is a sex life that includes regular physical intimacy (several times/week), novelty, erotic exploration, tenderness, playfulness, presence, and sensuality. I need a sex life that feels safe and welcoming and emotionally connected in addition to being super hot and fun and adventurous. This falls under the intimacy and desire elements of my core needs.

An orientation toward growth and learning.

I need partnership in which we’re both committed to self improvement, where we show up with curiosity, share readings/listenings, and engage in deep conversations about our personal/professional/emotional/spiritual development. This is a core part of who and how I show up in the world, so not feeling met here leaves me feeling alienated and alone. This is a big part of what makes me feel seen and supported, it also cultivates intimacy.

Mutual support and inspiration.

I need to be with people who inspire me to be a better version of myself from a place of confidence and self worth. (As in, not somebody who I’m trying to impress or a relationship in which I feel less than. I need a partner that I admire, respect, and also feel evenly matched with). I need to feel like we’re supporting each other in pursuing our dreams as a team – cheering each other on without taking over/trying to do it for each other. This is the support piece, and another aspect of feeling seen and desired.

Open, honest, and vulnerable communication.

This involves the willingness and capacity to hold space for each other, to work together on non-reactivity and not taking shit personally, to trust in the relationship and approach each other with the assumption of good intentions, to ask questions when we don’t understand, and to give and take space to process when needed. This is where the intimacy and core sense of emotional safety come into play.

A healthy balance of autonomy and connection.

In order to feel safe, seen, and desired in relationship, I need some form of daily communication – without it feeling burdensome or overwhelming or obligatory for either of us. Reliability and trust make the balance healthy. I don’t need to hear from someone at the same time or in the same way every day, I just need to know (and trust) that they’re going to reach out or respond in a timely manner, when they have the attention/space. And, as someone healing an anxious attachment wound, sometimes it will be my job to self-soothe when I don’t get a response as quickly as I’d prefer. Again, we’re going for healthy balance here, and I’m responsible for my half of that. I also need a regular amount of deep presence when we’re together (with the understanding that this can’t be 100% all the time). And finally, I need us to have our own friends, activities, and lives outside the relationship. No matter how much I love someone or want to spend time with them, I still need down/alone time. I need to maintain my own autonomy to properly care for myself and avoid enmeshment. That’s an important aspect of a supportive relationship for me – the space for us to support each other in being separate people.

*A commitment to maintaining boundaries.

Boundaries are everything. I need a partnership in which we both have the ability to set and maintain healthy boundaries for ourselves and for the relationship. I’m asterisk’ing this one because, frankly, I think it’s a need of every relationship ever (so it’s kind of obvious), but it’s also dependent on the open, honest, and vulnerable communication piece. And it requires self awareness from both of us. Boundaries are hard, and the only way to practice and honor them is by being able to talk about them openly and not take it personally when your partner sets boundaries for themselves.

The end. 🤷‍♀️

Sorry, but I’m going to stop here without an especially polished conclusion. I’ve been drafting this post for days now, and I just run out of steam at this point – partly because this post got real long, and also ‘cause sharing that list is almost certainly enough to result in a vulnerability hangover that will need tending to. If I keep fucking with it, I’ll never post it.