Bringing Boundaries and Self-Compassion to the Holidays with Jenny Tryansky

Setting boundaries and practicing self-care are hard things to do – especially during the holiday season. But finding a clear sense of our actual capacity and remembering to check in with our body’s needs are important skills the whole year round. 

In this great conversation with personal development coach Jenny Tryansky, we explore the necessity of being a “rested self” and delve into the complexities of energy management, rest, and self-regulation, particularly in the context of family dynamics during the holidays.

It’s a lovely reminder to all of us that we have permission to take care of ourselves, to step away from the conversations that stress us the fuck out, and to check in with what we need in order to show up well.

AND! You can still get free stickers! Leave a rating or review of the podcast wherever you listen, then email me a screenshot at Cate [at] settlingisbullshit.com and I will send you stickers!!

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Visit Jenny’s website

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References, Resources, and Links

Karen Brody (Jenny’s rest mentor) and her Daring to Rest program.

The podcast episode where Jenny interviews Karen: “Motherline Exhaustion”

My previous episode about protecting your energy: “#08 | Recharging Your Batteries”

Dr. Saundra Dalton-Smith TEDx on the seven types of rest: “The real reason why we are tired and what to do about it”

My two-part series on befriending our nervous system with Marjorie Schreurs (episodes #20 & #21).

Sarri Gillman’s TEDx: “Good Boundaries Free You“

Transcript

Note: this transcript was generated by AI. Please forgive any malapropisms and misspellings. It’s the robot’s fault!

[00:00] Jenny Tryansky: My favorite word is capacity. That is my absolute favorite word in my life these days. Because the truth is none of us are superhumans and we all have. We have the energy we have, we have the capacity we have.

[00:14] And it’s going to look different on different days. And so I really like it’s important to check in with your capacity. How much capacity do I have? Some days I’m going to have more than other days.

[00:28] Cate Blouke: Welcome to Settling Is Bullshit, a sweary podcast about claiming your joy. If you are an adult human craving healthier boundaries, a greater sense of purpose, or an increased capacity to feel at ease in your own skin, then you are in the right place, my friend.

[00:45] I’m your host, Cate Blouke, and I’m here to offer you practical tools and playful encouragement to help you step forward and be your most awesome self.

[00:54] My hope is that each episode will leave you feeling a bit more empowered to make brave choices and claim your joy.

[01:03] Hello my dear. The holidays are coming. They are almost upon us. And so I figured that would be a most excellent time to have an episode about boundaries and how to take care of ourselves in challenging family dynamic situations.

[01:22] And so I’m super stoked to share this conversation with you. Our guest today is Jenny Tryansky. She’s a personal development coach and former television executive. She’s fantastic. Jenny has a passion for helping people value authentic self care and self compassion as essential ingredients to living a full and fulfilling life.

[01:44] She believes that taking good care of ourselves, especially on the inside, is how we can bring our best to the work, people and things that we give our energy to every day.

[01:54] And oh boy, the holidays involve a lot of energy one way or another for all of us. So this is just a really lovely conversation and helpful reminder for how to take care of ourselves in the months ahead.

[02:09] And we’ve got some great practical tools and just loving, gentle reminders for all of us.

[02:15] Speaking of reminders, I’m running a giveaway, so if you enjoy this episode and leave a review, all you have to do is take a screenshot. Email at cate [at] settlingisbullshit.com and I will send you stickers!

[02:29] So please do that. Please enjoy this episode. Please take good care of yourself and know that I adore you.

[transition music]

[02:40] So Jenny, I invited you here to talk to me about all of the things that go into navigating the holidays and families and obligations and boundaries and self care and just that whole big bucket of things that inevitably comes up every year and that oftentimes, even though I know it’s coming.

[03:05] I find myself unprepared for just those small topics. Yeah, just those little ones, you know, because I know that this is something that you have really delved into in your own life, in your work, in the offerings that you have in your role as a coach.

[03:23] And so I got really excited. I was like, jenny would be a good person to talk to about this stuff.

[03:28] Jenny Tryansky: I really have come to find tools, perspectives and ways of living my life that have helped me be more peaceful, more rested, more awake, more responsive and more authentic.

[03:44] Cate Blouke: Well, all of my. Sounds really yummy. Can you.

[03:47] Jenny Tryansky: Well, yes.

[03:47] Cate Blouke: Can you tell me how to do that?

[03:49] Jenny Tryansky: Sure. And my. And there is that I’m no, like, none of us are really of an expert. Like, we can’t have perfectionism around any of this. We have to be flexible with ourselves.

[03:59] So, you know, I am passionate about these topics. I work with human beings in coaching and in my work in general all the time. And there’s no perfect answer. And the thing when we’re talking about psychology, self care and boundaries and challenging dynamics, it’s going to look different for all of us.

[04:18] So there’s no blanket magic wand approach to man. I know, I know.

[04:26] Cate Blouke: Every time I have somebody on here, I’m like, maybe this person will have the magic sauce. Right.

[04:31] Jenny Tryansky: Wouldn’t it be nice? I mean, I think so many of us are craving easy answers.

[04:37] And the truth is it is actually the, it’s the harder work that leads to the most fulfillment, which is, and I think, you know, the harder work is being awake, staying awake, which really means, you know, self awareness, a deep connection to ourselves and self reflection and sometimes making some hard choices that disappoint other people.

[05:00] That’s harder work than sort of just, you know, going through life in an eyes closed, status quo kind of way. But when we rise to the occasion to do this harder work, it’s actually more satisfying and we, we’re living from a place that’s more true to ourselves.

[05:15] That’s been my experience.

[05:17] Cate Blouke: Yeah. Great. Let’s start there.

[05:20] Jenny Tryansky: Yeah. Well, and as I was preparing for this conversation and I knew that we were going to be talking about boundaries and caring for oneself, which go hand in hand. I reconnected to my own work around this and a couple of years ago I had the opportunity to interview one of my teachers mentors, I call her my own personal rest mentor on her podcast.

[05:47] Cool. Yeah. Because she, she wanted to tell a little bit more of her story and I had shared with her that I. Her personal story really inspired Me. And it inspired.

[05:58] It gave me a little bit more confidence to lean into boundaries that were needed in my life. And so, yeah, Karen Brody’s work is called Daring to Rest, and she.

[06:10] It’s based in yoga Nidra sleep meditation.

[06:13] Cate Blouke: Okay.

[06:14] Jenny Tryansky: And it’s mostly geared towards women because we have been conditioned, trained for so many generations to be asleep. Right. And so she, you know, her work is around us waking up to truth and waking up to ways of being that promote a rested self.

[06:36] Like, you know, women have, like, women are exhausted, I think. I think most of it. Yeah. We live in an exhausted society. I think society, the, you know, the way we live is exhausting, period.

[06:46] Cate Blouke: 100%.

[06:47] Jenny Tryansky: Yeah. But she’s really focused on the exhaustion of women that, you know, goes back through generations and healing from that generational exhaustion and promoting a lifestyle where we’re coming from a rested self.

[07:02] And so not only have I been doing yoga Nidra meditation, her yoga Nidra meditations, for a number of years now, I also had the opportunity to do a training course with her a couple of years ago, and it was focused around healing the mother line, which was important work for me to do at that time.

[07:19] And.

[07:19] Cate Blouke: What do you mean?

[07:20] Jenny Tryansky: The focus was around healing our mother line, which really had us looking into the generations of women that came before us in our family lineage and looking and learning about some of the limiting beliefs, habits, ways of being that maybe that we’ve inherited that get in our way of us being a rested, a rested self.

[07:44] And it also got into some inner child, inner mother work, which I think is also really important when we’re talking about setting boundaries.

[07:53] So this. Anyway, Karen Brody is an important mentor in my life, in my work, because I have been learning over the years what it means for me to become a rested self.

[08:05] And in her course, she coached me through an issue that I was having that was around accepting a really hard truth with some challenging family dynamics in my world. And, you know, we had this moment where I realized maybe there was a part of me that was resisting.

[08:22] I didn’t want the dynamics to be what they were. I wasn’t happy with.

[08:26] Cate Blouke: Right.

[08:27] Jenny Tryansky: You know, I didn’t want to accept.

[08:29] Cate Blouke: It, but, yeah, I feel like that’s so relatable with so many of our family dynamics. You know, we don’t get to choose our family.

[08:39] Jenny Tryansky: That’s right.

[08:39] Cate Blouke: We don’t get to decide how they live their lives.

[08:43] Jenny Tryansky: Absolutely. And a lot of the time, Right. We choose our friends and what a privilege. And even then, we might still have, you know, challenging dynamics. But with our family, it becomes really complicated because, you know, we have.

[08:56] There’s. There are things that are tangled up in those family relationships. Some of them are actually inherited beliefs. Like in the family system. Like, I know in my family system, you know, there was this.

[09:08] There is this value actually of like, family first and right, which sounds kind of lovely. It can sound lovely. Family first above everything.

[09:18] But I think what I internalized and what I learned was family first even above what’s right and true for you. Like, if you disagree with something happening in the family system or what the family is doing.

[09:34] Like, it had me question myself instead of trust what’s true for me.

[09:40] Cate Blouke: Yeah.

[09:41] Jenny Tryansky: And right. And that can really get in the way if that’s a value that you’re holding and you’re telling yourself constantly, oh, well, what’s right for me is this thing. But, oh, I have this value.

[09:53] I was taught family first above all else.

[09:56] Those two things can really be intention, and it can be really hard to actually get what you need or make choices that are right for you.

[10:08] Cate Blouke: Yeah, I’m listening to that. And that isn’t the sort of story or value that I inherited that has made family dynamics challenging for me. It’s. I mean, it’s a flavor of that.

[10:20] It’s really similar. Like, this wasn’t necessarily a family value, but the limiting belief for me was that, like, my needs don’t matter. That, like, I don’t matter.

[10:30] That. I sort of got that for a variety of reasons. Usually around, like, when I would make requests and be told that I shouldn’t want the thing that I want.

[10:39] And it. And it similarly resulted in a lot of, like, not putting my needs first.

[10:47] Jenny Tryansky: Yeah, well, and same for me, you know, in my own unique experience, I also, you know, I like you.

[10:56] I am a helper. Like, I know that fundamentally that’s who I am in the world. I’m a giver and a helper.

[11:02] But I was prone in the past to over giving, over doing, pushing myself, bleeding myself dry, um, and never responding to my own needs. And I know that that’s a really big issue for a lot of people, especially women, but you can see that, like, you can see that clearly, but not.

[11:23] But it’s. It’s. You need to be able to unpack. Like, what are the. What are the belief systems that I’m holding underneath all that? That has me continuing these habits or these ways of being.

[11:34] And so that’s why I think, you know, the work of waking up, as I like to say, the work that we do as coaches, the work that we do with people around self awareness and being able to unpack and name all these things is really important work to do before you can even look at setting boundaries.

[11:52] Like, how do you know what boundaries to set if you don’t even know what your needs are? If you don’t.

[11:58] Cate Blouke: Yeah, like, and that’s what I was hearing in that was that question of. Because I had the story that my needs didn’t matter, I didn’t check in with them. I would just try to make people happy.

[12:10] Right. Because what I needed wasn’t important and run myself ragged and not know why and like not be in the sort of self awareness and the like body awareness to be able to check in with myself of like, what’s happening.

[12:24] In hindsight, having done a lot of this work, I can look back and be like, oh, I didn’t believe my needs could get met. So I was just meeting other people’s needs and not taking care of myself.

[12:36] Jenny Tryansky: Yep. Yeah, well. And when you’re coming from that place, like, you can’t speak your needs if you’re not even tuned into them. And you can’t be tuned into them if you’re not.

[12:46] Like if you’re not connected to your body. And this is where this work from, this rest mentor has become so important to me. I think I lived the first half of my life from my head pretty much all the time.

[12:59] Very disconnected from the rest of me, from my body, from even, even like, you know, myself on a more spiritual level.

[13:07] I was just living from my head and there’s a lot of judgment. Right. Like I’m, I’m a person who’s prone to a lot of self judgment and, and a lot of it has to do with the fact that I never trusted what was right for me because again, I had some of these beliefs that like, I just have to go along, go with the flow of, you know, the system that I’ve been, that I was born into.

[13:30] So when I, you know, when I started doing this yoga, nidra work and other forms of meditation, it really connected me to myself and to my body. And inside of ourselves, we know what’s a yes and what’s a no.

[13:46] We actually really do. Our bodies tell us, you know, if somebody asks us to do something and we don’t have the capacity or we really don’t want to do it or it’s not aligned with who we are or what we, what we’re up for, our bodies will tell us, you know, like your stomach will for you.

[14:04] Oh, My, it, it actually does show up in, in terms of like stomach aches. Like my stomach, my stomach will tell me tightening up like a tightening a feeling in my chest of heaviness.

[14:17] I just know, I just know in my gut when something is a no. And yeah, you don’t, sometimes you’re, you get a little confused because especially for me, I get into judgment.

[14:28] And I’ll give you an example.

[14:31] You know, one of the, one of the judgments that comes up a lot for me, and it probably does come from an inner people pleasing place, is what will this say about me if I say no?

[14:41] Like, this person wants something from me and I’m supposed to be this giver and this helper in the world. But, and I think my gut is saying, ah, this is a no for me.

[14:51] I don’t have the capacity for this or I don’t want to do this or you know, but my head will. My judge, my own self judgment, my own self doubt will confuse things.

[15:01] And I really, I will wrestle with this question of, whoa, what does it say about me if I, if I say no to this? And when it comes to family, oh my God.

[15:10] Wrapping the family dynamics in there, I’ll have these thoughts of like, I’m supposed to be a good daughter. I’m supposed to be right. Am I a good daughter if I say no to being asked of me and one of my colleagues.

[15:24] Her name is Sarah Smeaton. She’s also a coach.

[15:27] I heard her on a podcast a couple of years ago and I remember her saying, you know, this whole idea of wanting to be a good daughter, a good partner, you know, a good person really can get in our way.

[15:43] And instead, what if we ask the question, what would it sound like or look like if I was being an authentic daughter, an authentic, an authentic whatever it is.

[15:54] Cate Blouke: Yeah, that’s a lovely kind of question because I don’t, I don’t think I have historically thought about my family dynamics and authenticity, but to circle back a bit to that, like noticing in your body, right.

[16:08] If we’re, if we’re coming from this foundation of if we’re going to set healthy boundaries, if we’re going to take care of ourselves, we have to be able to check in with that.

[16:17] Jenny Tryansky: Yeah.

[16:17] Cate Blouke: The reason I asked how it showed up for you is because it shows up for me differently.

[16:22] For me, it’s a tightening in the solar plexus or like anxiety in my chest.

[16:28] And I only recently started a practice of really tuning into that, like figuring out what happens in my body when something Feels like a yes or a no.

[16:44] And you know, for listeners, like, you can play with this with like, what do you want for dinner tonight? Right. Like, do I. So I don’t know. I’m feeling a little weird and emotionally.

[16:58] It’s early November, everybody, and things are not my favorite right now. And so, like, do I want pizza tonight? Or, like, do I want a healthy meal? And like, asking my body.

[17:12] And actually I won’t do that right now.

[17:15] Jenny Tryansky: Well, and may I add to that or a second offering to that? Sometimes what we want is different than what we need.

[17:25] And even playing with that and noticing, you know, part of me wants whatever, whatever for dinner, I don’t want to.

[17:34] Cate Blouke: Put any judgment on anything. I want pizza. Like, when I, like, if I’m just emotionally. So if I’m making the decision from my kind of emotional response right now, like, I.

[17:44] My, like, taste buds and mouth and heart a little bit, like, totally want pizza. But when I turn within and notice what’s. What happens when I, like, ask myself that question from a place of like, hey, system, like, what should we have for dinner tonight?

[17:59] Like, there’s a, like, tightening in my core, which I have learned for me means a no around pizza. My body is like, you already ate basically a loaf of sourdough bread and a bunch of leftover Halloween candy today.

[18:14] Like, how do you eat some vegetables for dinner?

[18:16] Right?

[18:17] Jenny Tryansky: Yeah, but like, and in that, like, your, your body is saying, we need some nourishment. Like, right, let’s nourish. And nothing wrong with the pizza, but it’s like you’re just, you’re staying awake to like, to what’s true and to the like, to the need.

[18:37] Like, the real need. There’s Right.

[18:39] Cate Blouke: And that is a super handy tool that I’ve kind of only in the last few months picked up. So a coach I worked with a while ago tried to teach me this, but she had me looking for a very specific bodily sensation that didn’t present for me.

[18:57] And so I didn’t think that that particular like, that this approach worked for me because I was like, oh, like, I don’t breathe deeply on a yes and whatever. I don’t totally remember what it was.

[19:09] And so my invitation to anyone listening who this is new to is just like, ask yourself the question, offer yourself a yes or a no, you know, a this or a that, and notice how it shows up for you.

[19:21] Jenny Tryansky: Yes.

[19:22] Cate Blouke: That’s how you learn how your body tells you these things. Because we all have different bodies.

[19:28] Jenny Tryansky: Amen.

[19:31] Cate Blouke: And this, different ways. This is accessing this information.

[19:34] Jenny Tryansky: Totally. I think that this is the biggest key when talking about things like self care and boundaries. Self care especially. It’s like this thing that’s out there in the zeitgeist, and everybody thinks that other people have it figured out or that there’s some formula that you should follow that comes from someone else.

[19:52] And the truth is we all experience our lives, our bodies, our cues differently. We’re all so different and the circumstances of our lives are so different. Our dynamics of all relationships in our lives are different.

[20:08] And I think it’s so important for people to be able to trust themselves and to be able to do that. You have to be connected to yourself. Like, you need moments of.

[20:18] You need moments of silence. You need moments of being with, being with your emotions, being with all the thoughts, reflecting on what’s true, what’s not true, what’s mine, what’s other people’s.

[20:31] And I think, you know, again, in our busy life, even people, you know, so many people, they go, they make space to go for a walk, but they’re listening to music or, or even a podcast.

[20:41] Nothing wrong with that.

[20:43] Cate Blouke: I tell you, I feel so attacked right now.

[20:45] Jenny Tryansky: Also important. Also important. So important for real. And, and we also need to be honest with ourselves about am I. Am I getting time to just hear myself, hear myself, feel myself, be with myself?

[21:02] Both are really important, right?

[21:05] Cate Blouke: Listening 100%.

[21:06] Jenny Tryansky: Yeah. Listening to podcasts feeds something. For some people, it actually is a restful practice because it’s feeding like a need to learn and might even have, you know, it helps you self reflect.

[21:16] But in, to really be tuned in to your needs, to your truth, you have to create space for yourself.

[21:25] Cate Blouke: Yeah.

[21:25] Jenny Tryansky: So. And I will share with you, there are a couple of questions that I think are super key, especially as we’re, you know, looking, you know, forward towards the holidays and stuff like that that I don’t think a lot of people take the time to ask themselves.

[21:40] So.

[21:41] Cate Blouke: Ooh. Yeah.

[21:42] Jenny Tryansky: Yeah.

[21:42] Cate Blouke: Are they.

[21:43] Jenny Tryansky: Which relationships in my life are restful ones and which relationships in my life are unrestful ones?

[21:51] Cate Blouke: Okay, so.

[21:52] Jenny Tryansky: And, and, and the next question which is going to lead us into, I think where we’re going is. And how do I know the difference? How does my body show me what rested feels like and what unrested feels like?

[22:03] Cate Blouke: Okay, well, I’m. We’re like halfway in and I. What do you mean by rest? Yeah, like, what do you mean by a rested self?

[22:10] Jenny Tryansky: Yeah. So to me, obviously there’s the piece about you, you know, being Rested enough that you’re not exhausted. But we, but the truth is many different things deplete us, right? Rest is not just sleep.

[22:22] There are many ways in which our energy is taken from us through the day or we’re giving our energy to people and things, whether it’s our work, our relationships, different obligations and responsibilities.

[22:36] So you know, it’s really about energy. Our we all have and I like to use my favorite word is capacity. That is my absolute favorite word in my life these days.

[22:46] Because the truth is none of us are superhumans and we all have, we have the energy we have, we have the capacity we have.

[22:55] And it’s going to look different on different days. And so I really like, it’s important to check in with your capacity. How much capacity do I have? Some days I’m going to have more than other days.

[23:08] And when I say a rested self, to me, yes, getting enough sleep is really important. But when I’m rested inside of myself, my nervous system is regulated.

[23:20] I’m connected and tuned in to my needs, to my level of capacity to what’s true for me, to what’s right for me. So it has a lot to do with my level of emotional intelligence, my level of self reflection and self awareness.

[23:39] When I am self aware, when I am tuned in, when I’m connected to my authenticity to what’s true for me, I am, I’m peaceful inside some my life is not perfect on the outside.

[23:50] There’s still stresses and stressors, right? But when I can come from that place where I’m very connected to myself, to my needs, to my sense of capacity, to whether my heart is open or closed, I do a lot of self compassion work and we talk a lot in self compassion around like you know, intentionally opening and closing our hearts which I think is also important to recognize all of that to me like when I’m so sitting in the seat of my of self awareness and being truthful about all these things with myself, being truthful with myself, I’m coming from a rested place instead of a reactive place.

[24:28] When I’m, you know, when I’m reactive and it happens, right? It happens to all of us. When I’m kind of in my small self, I’m not rested, I’m actually having a tantrum inside, I’m chaotic, I’m chaotic inside.

[24:41] But when I make space for myself, when I am able to provide for my needs, which is self care, I’m coming from a rested self and that’s when I can make really good decisions about my yeses.

[24:54] And my nos. Right. That’s when I can speak my needs and set boundaries that are, you know, putting healthy in brackets. Because again, what’s healthy is different for each human being.

[25:05] But when we say healthy, it’s like, what is going to serve me. I want to be making decisions in my life that are actually going to serve me and allow me to stay as much as possible in that rested self place as opposed to a dysregulated, reactive place.

[25:22] I’ve been there before. I don’t like living life from there. It doesn’t feel good.

[25:25] Cate Blouke: No. I don’t like living life from that place either. And it’s interesting to hear you talk about this in terms of like, well, rested.

[25:36] I feel like I’ve been thinking and noticing a lot of similar things in the last year, but I’ve been using the word like, depleted.

[25:47] Like, does this person situation, decision feel depleting or energizing?

[25:55] Jenny Tryansky: Yep. That’s what we’re talking about. It’s all. Yeah. That we’re talking about the exact same thing.

[26:00] Cate Blouke: Yeah. It’s just sort of different semantics. And it’s interesting to me because I’m having this moment of like, oh, rest historically has been really challenging for me. So, like, as someone with ADHD, with CPTSD, like, this idea of rest has always felt like naps.

[26:18] And I have a hard time napping.

[26:20] Jenny Tryansky: Yeah, yeah, some people do. So what. What gives you energy? What replenishes you? What provides what. What brings you alive? What actually gives to you?

[26:31] Cate Blouke: Yeah. You know, and it really depends on the day. It really depends on which battery I’m trying to recharge. I have an episode about this. So it’s just that it’s like, okay, if I start thinking about my energy in different battery sources, like, is it.

[26:47] Am I mentally drained? Am I emotionally drained? Am I physically drained?

[26:52] Jenny Tryansky: Spiritually, socially?

[26:54] Cate Blouke: Right. Like, which of those batteries is drained? Because what has historically happened for me is like, I’m trying to recharge the wrong battery. Like sometimes when I’ve been on my fucking computer all goddamn day.

[27:07] Jenny Tryansky: Yep.

[27:07] Cate Blouke: And I’m just like, really, like mentally drained, but, like, haven’t moved enough. Then like, what there is to do is go on a walk.

[27:17] Jenny Tryansky: Yeah.

[27:17] Cate Blouke: And like, maybe, maybe be with myself, but maybe I don’t even have the brain energy to be with myself. And like, what there is to do is to, like, listen to some fluffy fucking fict that’s just gonna, like, cheer me up.

[27:28] Jenny Tryansky: Yep. There’s a TED talk by a doctor in the US named Dr. Sandra Dalton Smith. And this framework she uses is. She calls it the seven types of rest. And it’s exactly what you’re talking about, Kate.

[27:40] The name of the TED Talk is actually the real reason you’re tired and what to do about it.

[27:45] Cate Blouke: And then, ooh, I can’t wait to go watch this. It’ll be in the show Notes, everybody.

[27:48] Jenny Tryansky: Yeah, it’s gonna be very validating for you because you’re. It sounds like, you know, you’re already working within this framework. And she talks about the seven types of rest, which to me also really tunes me into the seven types of depletion.

[28:04] And I like to have people take it even further. Like, okay, if there’s seven types of rest, which are mental, physical, spiritual, all the sensory, creative, there’s all these different types of rest.

[28:17] Well, then we also get depleted in all of these different ways. You’re using this great analogy of a battery. So your creative battery gets depleted in different ways. Well, what’s going to replenish that creative battery?

[28:29] So it’s really important for each of us to be able to identify what are the practices, the behaviors, the relationships in our lives that actually fuel. Right. Re. Energize or recharge that battery, and what are the practices, behaviors, relationships, et cetera, that deplete them.

[28:53] And if we can be. If we can get really clear with ourselves about that, it’s going to. Then we can get really clear about the boundaries that we might need to put in place.

[29:03] Cate Blouke: Right. Yeah. I’m just thinking about this. This is so helpful in terms of the holidays, because, you know, honestly, there are a lot of ways in which family things can feel depleting as opposed to energizing.

[29:18] Jenny Tryansky: Yep.

[29:19] Cate Blouke: And so be, like, really putting some intentional thought around that even so important for then being like, okay, like, how do I recharge this battery so that I can keep showing up well with the people that I do love, even if they sometimes deplete me.

[29:37] Jenny Tryansky: Oh, I’m so with you on this. That’s why I feel like I want to jump on it, because this is so important.

[29:43] And it also helps us ask the question of, like, which kinds of conversations or situations are worth giving my energy to and which ones are worth walking away from so that I can preserve my rested self or my regulated self.

[30:01] Because, honestly, more and more these days, like, we are living in hard times, heavy times. Yeah. I have never believed more in the importance and the power of regulating our own nervous systems, and not just for the sake of ourselves, but for the sake of others, like the more of us who can do this work of being self aware, tending to our needs, you know, intentionally trying to come from a rested place again, rested doesn’t mean you’re, you’re never exhausted.

[30:30] It just means that you are, you’re coming from the most authentic and peaceful place inside of you where you are trying to preserve your self regulation. Like, don’t we owe it to each other to communicate and to be with each other from a regulated place instead of a dysregulated place?

[30:46] Right.

[30:46] Cate Blouke: It’d be nice.

[30:47] Jenny Tryansky: It would be nice. I know you have a two parter podcast on nervous system stuff and it’s just so important. And so around the holidays we know that there’s going to be conversations that come up around the table.

[31:00] Like, you know, there’s lots of political things that right now that we may have the capacity to lean right into or we may recognize that, oof, this is not going to be healthy for me.

[31:13] And my job right now is to keep myself regulated and to.

[31:17] Cate Blouke: Yeah.

[31:18] Jenny Tryansky: So you might need to walk away. Right. It’s really important to know, do I have the capacity to lean into this right now, to give to this right now, or is it going to be healthier for me to take a step back, to remove myself?

[31:31] Cate Blouke: Yeah. So like in real practical terms, how do we do that?

[31:38] Like, like, okay, so we’ve done the, We’ve listened to my episodes about nervous system regulation where like we’re going into the holidays and we’re like, okay, I’m gonna take really good care of myself.

[31:50] I have learned how to check in.

[31:52] Jenny Tryansky: Yeah.

[31:52] Cate Blouke: And then I’m at the dinner table and people start talking about shit that I don’t want anything to fucking do with because I don’t have the energy.

[31:58] Jenny Tryansky: Yeah. So I think there’s a few options. Funny, as I was, as I was thinking about coming to this conversation, I had a couple memories pop up of times when I really somehow did have the capacity to tolerate being around or in a conversation that I knew was not necessarily healthy for me.

[32:18] And other times when I had to walk away. And I think, you know, the tools that I’ve learned, the self compassion tools that I learned and use all the time with myself and with my clients have really helped me in those moments.

[32:30] So sometimes when I’m among family or other, even friends I can think of even conversations with groups of friends where I realize, oof, this is, something is happening inside of me and this isn’t healthy if somehow I do have the capacity to tolerate it.

[32:47] Because sometimes you actually want. Like it has to be in service of something. Right? Like if. Yeah, like if I recognize that there’s some dynamics happening that I don’t really like and they’re not good for me.

[32:58] But I actually, I love these people, right? Yeah, I love these people and I don’t get to see them that often. And this is the holiday and I do want to be present.

[33:08] If I have the capacity, I kind of. I name that for myself. I’ll even put my hand on my heart. I mean, you find my hand on my heart pretty much all day long, where I will acknowledge to myself privately, this is a tough moment or this is a tough conversation for me to be around.

[33:24] I’m getting triggered or there’s some stuff that’s been activated in me. And I actually do have the capacity to tolerate the hard right now in service of the connection with these people or because it’s the holiday or whatever it is.

[33:38] Like, these are very personal, intimate moments that we have with ourselves where we have to be really truthful.

[33:45] And then sometimes you don’t have the capacity to tolerate it or it is just completely intolerable. And your body is giving you every signal that says, I need to remove myself.

[33:55] Like this is an emergency and I am becoming dysregulated. And so self compassion is like sort of, to me, the first line of defense. It’s like putting your hand on your heart, being honest with yourself about what’s true in that moment.

[34:08] Right. This is a tough conversation.

[34:10] It’s really hard for me to listen to this family member spewing off XYZ that I don’t believe in. Then it’s the check in with and, you know, and then, I mean, self compassion has you really allowing yourself the space to say it’s okay that it’s okay that this is hard.

[34:26] My values are different than this person’s, or my opinions are different than this person’s. Just to bring a little bit of that common humanity and to kind of like, you know, bring some understanding to what’s happening in that moment.

[34:39] And then it really is a check in with yourself. What do I need right now? What do I need right now? And how much capacity do I have? Do I have the capacity to keep my heart open or do I need to intentionally close here to protect myself?

[34:51] Cate Blouke: Well, yeah, and for me, something that I have learned over time is like, I don’t know if this is just me as a human or about my neurodivergence. Like, I often don’t have the capacity to do that.

[35:03] At the dinner table. And so just like lovely little reminder to all of us, we can always go to the bathroom.

[35:09] Jenny Tryansky: Yep.

[35:09] Cate Blouke: Like, we can always get up and excuse ourselves and take ourselves to the restroom and do the check in there.

[35:18] Jenny Tryansky: Yep.

[35:19] Cate Blouke: You know, absolutely. It doesn’t have to mean, like, we have to like make it weird and leave the dinner table and like go into another room in a, in a more overt way, but just being like, oh, I need to go check in with myself.

[35:32] Jenny Tryansky: Yeah. Or I need a breath of fresh air. You don’t have to explain yourself to anybody, but everybody’s entitled to go, get, take a moment and get some fresh air.

[35:41] And again, making that space for yourself where you can have this intimate moment to soothe yourself. I mean, self soothing is a big piece that I’ve really learned because nobody taught me how to do that growing up.

[35:53] You know, soothing the part of me that is struggling, soothing the part of me that’s having that inner tantrum to say, it’s okay, it’s okay that you feel this way.

[36:03] It makes sense that you feel this way. Your cousin, whoever, completely has different values and opinions than you and you know, you can still love him from over here, but you don’t have to engage in that conversation, you know, in self compassion.

[36:17] Of course we’re, we’re treating ourselves the way that we would treat someone else who we love and care about.

[36:22] So sometimes even asking yourself, what would I say to someone I care about if they were struggling with this very same moment and then allowing yourself to provide that same care for yourself.

[36:33] Yeah, practically. I will say I have learned some tools. I have, you know, I have challenging family dynamics. I’ve been in conversations where I feel suffocated, like where I actually feel like I can’t breathe because of someone’s energy, you know, coming right at me.

[36:49] And I’ve learned anything that brings you into presence in that moment. Sometimes it’s holding a hot, you know, a hot mug of something or putting your hands around your glass of water and letting yourself feel the temperature of the water.

[37:03] So bringing yourself whatever can bring yourself into presence and allow yourself to sort of take that internal breath in that internal pause, even if someone else’s energy is like really sucking, sucking the life out of you, I think is a very self compassionate thing to be able to do.

[37:22] And then again, it just always comes back for me to that question of what do I have capacity for in this moment?

[37:30] Cate Blouke: Yeah, I was about to zoom it out a little bit. Right. Because this has felt like a really good Conversation about when shit comes up at the dinner table or whatever, but also stepping back and thinking about, like, when we have all of these kind of competing demands on our time and like, you know, whose house to go to, when or how much time they want from us or what activity they want us to do because family and it’s the holidays.

[38:00] How to navigate that space of wanting to do some of the things, not wanting to do all of the things, knowing that, you know, certain people might want us to do all of the things, and how do we navigate that?

[38:18] Jenny Tryansky: Yeah, this is the story of my life and prob. And all of ours, really. Right. Because there are always people who are wanting things from. We all want things from each other.

[38:27] And sometimes that’s beautiful. Right. We have a. We hopefully we have lots of great connections and great people in our lives. And there’s always stuff that’s wanting our attention or our energy or our time.

[38:39] And again, we’re not superhuman. So we are limited. We’re limited in actual time and energy. And so this is where I think we all need to become aware of the inner people pleaser, which a lot of us struggle with.

[38:54] Right. When the people pleaser just wants to keep the peace and doesn’t want to disrupt any kind of harmony, we need to call that out and notice that. Okay, if I’m going to say yes to all the things, then that’s probably coming from a place of wanting to, like, not wanting anyone to be disappointed.

[39:12] But what I’ve really come to accept, and I swear this took me years and years and years, is that it’s okay to have people sweat. And I’m going to tell you where that comes from.

[39:23] There’s a. There’s a boundaries expert. Her name is Sari Gilman. She also, she also has a great TED Talk where she talks about, you know, boundaries are it. Your. Your whole life story is made up of your yeses and your nos and how we all have an internal compass that, like, if we’re really honest with ourselves and tuned in, you know, what’s a yes and what’s a no?

[39:46] And so, you know, we’re always afraid that we’re going to disappoint people when we say no. But when that happens, when you are able to speak for your needs and say what’s true and you don’t have to do it harshly, you know, I think a lot of us think that no has to be harsh, but it can be very compassionate.

[40:04] You can, you can acknowledge to the person that you recognize that you might be Disappointing them. But when you find the courage to say the no or set the boundary, what happens next is everybody might sweat a little bit.

[40:19] Right. The other person over there, they might be disappointed things didn’t go the way that they were hoping for, and now they’re sweat. They’re sweating. And you’re sweating over here because you’re, you know, you’re.

[40:29] You’re making up all these stories. You’re, you know, from what they’re thinking, what they’re thinking, are they going to be mad at me? What does this say about me? All that stuff.

[40:37] And if you can just tolerate and accept and be with that moment of sweating instead of catastrophizing it, like, okay, here we are. We’re all sitting in this place where some disappointment has been created, and it’s really just a little bit of sweating.

[40:55] And you know what? Most of us can survive a little bit of sweating. You might disappoint someone, but they will move through that experience. It’s okay to disappoint people. I’ve really had to cut, like, you know, even in my parenting, I really.

[41:09] I’m trying to model for my daughter and teach her that life is going to disappoint us. You know, I’m going to disappoint you, kid. You know, it happens all the time.

[41:18] And I still love you, and you can tolerate this. It’s okay that you’re disappointed.

[41:25] But we need to be able to live in the place of disappointment and then be able to pivot, like, once I set that boundary and I say that no, and I’m really true to myself.

[41:34] Like, I can’t do all the things and say yes to all the things.

[41:38] I’m really sorry that this disappoints you.

[41:41] Cate Blouke: Yeah. And just to interject there specifically as, like, I’ve got adhd and I want to be able to do all the things for me, like, sometimes I’m the one I have to disappoint.

[41:55] That’s been a big part of my journey in the last couple of years is, like, coming to terms with, like, what my actual capacity is, not what I want it to be and not what it was when I was, like, 22 and totally unself aware of my nervous system and was just, like, running on, well, diet pills in my early 20s, you know?

[42:18] And that has also been a really key component for me, is building the willingness to, like, say no to myself, too. Right. Like, sometimes it’s about, I want to make other people happy, and sometimes it’s like, I want to do all the things.

[42:35] Like I want to go to the, you know, the karaoke and then the holiday party the next night and then the brunch the next day and then the like, dance party that night.

[42:45] And like, I can’t fucking do all of those things.

[42:47] Jenny Tryansky: Yes.

[42:48] Cate Blouke: It’s like not how my system works.

[42:52] Jenny Tryansky: Well, and as someone who cares about you and so, you know, and this, this is what we want to cultivate as our own voice of self compassion. I might say to you, Kate, you are an incredible human being.

[43:04] Who you. The reason that you want to do all the things is because you get joy from so many things. Like you take pleasure in so many things. But the truth is you are only a human.

[43:15] You’re not a superhuman. And so you only have limited capacity, just like the rest of us. So yes, if you could just soothe that part of you, that excited part of you, that alive part of you that wants so badly to do all the things.

[43:31] And you know, like, oh, I hear you, I feel you. I. What a beautiful intention. Like you want to be doing all the things, but the truth is you, you just can’t.

[43:40] Yeah, you just can’t. So then. Okay, then we need to take stock of what are my priorities, what really matters. Right. Like, and, and I think again, these, these decisions that we make and the boundaries we set, they have to come from a really self aware, awake place inside of us.

[43:58] We can’t be running on autopilot because then you are just gonna say yes to all the things. Right.

[44:03] Cate Blouke: And like thinking about, you know, family commitments, especially something I have cultivated is that a shorter quality engagement is so much better for everyone than the sort of standard like, oh, well, we’re in the same place that we’re not usually in.

[44:25] So like, let’s spend all our time together.

[44:27] Jenny Tryansky: Yep.

[44:28] Cate Blouke: And that is deeply depleting for me as someone who is more introverted than I used to realize and like, really need alone time to recharge. Yeah, that doesn’t work for me.

[44:40] And it’s actually a gift to everyone when I say I’m going to go do this for a while or like, this is when I’m available.

[44:50] But that was a really big step. I had to learn to take that. Like, I’m a grown ass person and I’m allowed to say like, I can’t be around you until noon.

[45:01] Jenny Tryansky: Well, again, that takes courage because you’re probably, you’re going to disappoint some people and everyone’s going to sweat. And so learn the more you do it, the more you can tolerate the sweating and actually know that it’s all going to be okay.

[45:15] And I love what you’re talking about because again, to me, you’re talking about a rested you. A rested you. Spending quality time with people, they’re going to get the best of you.

[45:25] Yeah, right. So. Yeah, right. In order for me to spend time with you, from my most rested self, from my most alive self, from my most awake self, with all of.

[45:36] All of the goodness that is me, I can’t be depleted. So that means I’ve got to go recharge my batteries. I have to be honest with myself. I can’t bleed myself dry.

[45:45] And that. That requires courage. It requires clarity and courage. And it sounds like you’ve practiced and I’ve practiced, and the only way to get good at it is by putting it into practice.

[45:57] Cate Blouke: Yeah, I’m just sitting here thinking about, like, a few years ago and. And that people pleaser part of me being so much more active and all of the, like, uphill struggle around doing the work for myself and then trying to take care of myself amongst folks who don’t share this vocabulary of nervous system and depletion and how hard it can be to feel like I’m carving out that space and finding the words with folks.

[46:33] And I’m just curious if you have advice around that. Anyone who’s listening to this podcast obviously has some familiarity with the kinds of things that we’re talking about, but when we go into family or social dynamics where that might not be part of a shared vocabulary, like how do we communicate this stuff with people who don’t get it?

[46:55] Jenny Tryansky: Oof. I mean, that’s. That is a question I wrestle with all the time. And I think it’s. It’s important to ask the question, right? Like, how. What is the best way to communicate this in each individual situation and in each individual relationship?

[47:12] Because I’ve come to realize that there’s some relationships in my life where the other person, like, truly, truly just, they won’t understand. It doesn’t matter what words I use to try to help them understand where I’m coming from.

[47:25] Over here, we’re going to be speaking different languages, so. And that’s painful. That can be really, really painful to acknowledge, but it’s what’s true. And so again, this is, you know, this work of accepting what’s true even if you don’t like it, but recognizing that you can’t change it.

[47:41] There’s certain people, we just. They’re just never going to understand where we’re coming from. And so what I do is I soothe myself again. I use sort of my self compassion, self soothing tools to help myself through the pain of that truth.

[47:53] And then I find ways to hold my boundary or speak my needs.

[47:59] Sometimes with some people I, it’s very little words like I don’t have to give all the explanation because again I just, I recognize it will never be received. They’re not going to hear it.

[48:10] Cate Blouke: Yeah.

[48:11] Jenny Tryansky: You know, and, and with other people I might take that opportunity to give a little bit more explanation, understanding so that we can have mutual compassion even if we don’t agree.

[48:24] Cate Blouke: Right.

[48:25] Jenny Tryansky: I have, you know, I have three sisters and all of the dynamics are pretty different. But one of my sisters and I, we’re quite, quite different and we disagree a lot.

[48:34] But I also know that she’s open to hearing where I’m coming from when we have capacity, when we each have capacity. Sometimes we don’t and then we don’t have those conversations.

[48:45] But when we do, I can really get curious instead of judging her. I can get curious and take in where she’s coming from even if I don’t agree with it.

[48:54] And she can take in where I’m coming from even if she doesn’t agree. And we can at least have a little bit of mutual respect and understanding. And I find that to be very connecting.

[49:03] It connects us even though we might still be disappointed because we don’t agree. Whereas with other relationships there’s a lot more internal work that has to happen. Again to soothe myself through the pain of the disconnection.

[49:16] But it’s not worth my energy to try to explain myself to some of those people. I just have to set the boundary sometimes in those relationships where I know that my reasoning won’t really be well received.

[49:28] I’ve learned that it can be connecting to acknowledge the disappointment of the other person. Like, I’m really sorry, Dad, I can’t come to the dinner. Like I know you really want me to be there and I know that you were really counting on it and like that must be painful for you.

[49:50] But like this is what I need to do for me and I ask you to respect it. Like sometimes just that that sounds very compassionate to me instead of just a hard no.

[50:00] But I think that over explaining is also an, it’s an energy depleting thing to do.

[50:06] Cate Blouke: Yeah. I think that also is part of the pleaser coming out is this sense. I mean for me it’s like, oh, I need to give you all these reasons why I can’t because it’s not okay.

[50:19] For me to just not want to, like, that was a big growth thing for me in the last few years, was like recognizing that I didn’t like underneath my shit, didn’t believe that I was allowed to just not want to.

[50:35] But that was actually enough of a reason. I felt like I often had to come up with an experience excuse of like, oh, well, I’m sick, so I can’t.

[50:44] Jenny Tryansky: Yeah.

[50:45] Cate Blouke: But it, it takes a lot of courage to just honor that. Right. In the, in the authenticity piece for sure.

[50:53] Jenny Tryansky: And sometimes we come up with excuses, right? Like, and if that’s what’s needed, okay, that’s what’s needed. But I often find that when I’m giving all these excuses, it doesn’t sit right with me or feel good in my body afterwards.

[51:07] Like, I’m the one that sits with sort of the untruth of that. And I don’t, you know, I. It doesn’t, that doesn’t sit right with me. Yeah, it’s much more empowering, you know, that idea that no is a complete sentence and it doesn’t have to be mean.

[51:20] You know, I’m. I’m really sorry. I know you’re disappointed. But actually for me, right now, today, it’s a no. It’s really empowering to own that.

[51:29] Cate Blouke: It is. It is. It’s also really hard just to give us all a bunch of compassion, right?

[51:35] Jenny Tryansky: Well, yeah, because again, we can. Our fear or our self judgment can kind of really create a lot of stories around that. You know, again, what will this say about me?

[51:45] What will they think about me? What will the implications be for the future of our relationship? But a lot of that stuff is just chatter that is coming from fear.

[51:54] And so again, just being able to soothe that tantruming part of ourselves and to provide some reassurance the way that we would to someone who we really care about, who struggles with the same stuff.

[52:05] We all struggle with this stuff. Every situation, every relationship is different and calls for different things. But that’s why again, it just. For me, it comes back to the importance of being tuned into myself, tuned into my needs, tuned into my capacity, tuned into my yes, my no mind, my truth.

[52:24] Cate Blouke: Right. And what’s coming up for me, listening to all of that is also just the reminder that I know in early recovery, especially like I needed this, that like when possible to drive myself places like to have access to the capacity to leave and the like permission to leave.

[52:45] We don’t actually have to stay to make other people happy or because we have put ourselves in a position where we’re trapped. You know, like, similarly, like, not necessarily staying with family can be really helpful if we’re traveling for the holidays.

[53:02] Jenny Tryansky: Yeah.

[53:03] And they might sweat over that or it might hurt their feelings. But if you know that that’s going to allow you to show up in the moments where you are going to show up with them as your best self, as your most rested self, as your most regulated self, is it not worth it?

[53:21] Like, that’s what. What is the point otherwise? We don’t want to walk around our lives feeling completely dysregulated and discombobulated inside of ourselves. I would much rather, like you said, have less time with people, but, you know, feeling my most alive and my most present and my most capable because.

[53:38] Cate Blouke: Right. Our families are the ones that made our buttons, and they are the ones that push them. Right. And so for me, you know, like, my situation is that I grew up in Las Vegas.

[53:49] My immediate family is still there. And so when it comes to holidays and things, like, I have to go there because there’s only one of me and many of them, and I don’t like it there for all sorts of reasons.

[54:03] And so it is really important for me to set those boundaries of, like, I need to have my journal and my quiet time in the morning so that. So that I can show up rested.

[54:17] Jenny Tryansky: Yep.

[54:18] Cate Blouke: And not be, you know, a snippy little brat.

[54:22] Jenny Tryansky: Yes. You know, if we’re going to put it in that context of the seven types of rest, that’s you anticipating the emotional depletion that, you know, because you’ve been there before, you’re giving yourself emotional capacity.

[54:36] That is the ultimate self care. That is authentic, sustainable self care. That is something that you absolutely can stand behind that, you know, is important for you, and it’s going to fuel you enough so that you have enough to give.

[54:50] Cate Blouke: Exactly. But it took me so many years of, like, not doing that well and then being snippy and, like, getting into the kind of, like, old, easy familial dynamics that, like, aren’t how I want to be showing up.

[55:05] Jenny Tryansky: Absolutely.

[55:05] Cate Blouke: And aren’t ultimately leading to, like, genuine quality time.

[55:10] Jenny Tryansky: Mm.

[55:10] Cate Blouke: Right.

[55:11] Jenny Tryansky: Yeah.

[55:11] Cate Blouke: Like, I think that’s been probably one of my biggest lessons around the holidays and family travel especially, is just that, like, to reiterate, like, it’s better that they have less time with me.

[55:22] That is really quality time than it is for us to all be all up in each other’s shit and get annoyed with each other.

[55:29] Jenny Tryansky: Well, and I also think when I’m. When I’m hearing you talk about and I’m, I’m imagining that for you. It’s also for yourself because you want to be able to leave that scenario feeling good about the way that you were able to show up and connect with, with those people who you love.

[55:45] You know, if you didn’t do all of that stuff to protect yourself and regulate, you might come home with some unhappy memories and some Right. Residual stuff inside of yourself where, you know, now you’re suffering over not being proud of how you showed up.

[55:59] So it’s a very. It’s a compassionate act to self and a compassionate act to others for us to be this present to our needs and to respond to them 100%.

[56:10] Cate Blouke: Okay, Jenny, what else are we missing?

[56:13] Jenny Tryansky: Is there anything else we didn’t. Let me see?

[56:16] Cate Blouke: Closing thought.

[56:17] Jenny Tryansky: This always happens when I do a podcast. I’m like, what did we just say? And where did we just go? And is that, is it all over the place? But. But I’m going to trust.

[56:27] Cate Blouke: Yeah. I mean, I feel like we touched on self preservation. What is a boundary?

[56:32] Jenny Tryansky: Well, it’s so funny. There’s so many different ways to define a boundary, but again, I have to go back to this idea of an inner sense of rightness. I talk about this a lot.

[56:41] Nobody else can tell you what’s right or wrong. That is a felt experience in your body.

[56:46] Cate Blouke: Yeah.

[56:47] Jenny Tryansky: So I think boundaries are not like, the first step is recognizing what is a yes for me, what is a no for me. And then you need to put a little strategy and thought into, okay, what does that look like practically?

[57:00] And then how am I going to communicate that to the people that need to know, you know, what the parameters are like, yes, I will see you on Sunday. But it has to be between this time and this time because again, you don’t need to give all the explanations.

[57:16] But for you, you have to be clear. You know, I only have the emotional or the social capacity to be able to give to that person two hours of my day.

[57:25] And I want to be able to be clear because, you know, this might be a person who I know if I don’t, if I’m not clear, they’re going to just take, take, take, take, take.

[57:34] Cate Blouke: Yeah. One of the other definitions of boundaries that I really like is having a clear sense of where I end and you begin.

[57:40] Jenny Tryansky: That’s a great one. Yeah, right. Yeah, that’s a great one.

[57:44] Cate Blouke: Especially in the context of people pleasing. Right. Like, what is actually mine?

[57:48] Jenny Tryansky: What is mine? Well, and I love that question in general. Like again, when we’re going back to sort of the beliefs that we carry around, taking care of ourselves around what we’re giving ourselves permission to say, yes or no.

[58:02] What, like, you know, what beliefs around that are mine and which ones of them belong in my family system. Like it was put upon me when I was a kid, but actually now as a grown up, huh, that’s not mine.

[58:12] I don’t believe that. So being able to really honor this is what’s right and true for me. This is what I believe now in my adult life. This is how I want to live my life, this is how I want to flow through my life and this is what I want to give my energy to.

[58:28] We have to be able to speak our boundaries so that we’re in charge of what that looks like. You know, I think also boundaries have to do with what we let in and what we keep out there.

[58:40] I think that’s, there’s a big piece of that as well. And there’s no hard lines. Like again, I think we need to be flexible with ourselves because it’s going to look different on different days depending on how much we have to give.

[58:54] Cate Blouke: Right. And a hard truth that I’ve come to terms with is that I can’t always predict with like good accuracy, like what my capacity is going to be three months from now, six months from now.

[59:08] You know, what I can do when I put shit on the calendar is really be attuned to that and like prepare myself in the sense of, all right, let me think about, like, let me be intentional about what that thing is.

[59:26] What do I need to put in place around it so that I don’t wreck myself. The ways that’s showed up for me in recent years is, is making a rule where I don’t travel out of town more than once a month because I just, it wrecks me.

[59:42] And when I get home from travel, I have a day off the day after I get back to like re acclimate.

[59:50] That’s great because otherwise I end up running myself ragged.

[59:54] Jenny Tryansky: That’s so self supportive. And like again, to me what you’re describing is the ultimate form of self care. There’s no better way to take care of yourself than to be honest with yourself.

[01:00:05] Like these are things that provide for you, Kate. Like no one else from the outside can make up those rules for you and tell you that’s how you should live your life.

[01:00:12] Cate Blouke: Like, right?

[01:00:13] Jenny Tryansky: Yeah.

[01:00:14] Cate Blouke: And especially because like some people can travel more than that. Yeah, I used to be able to like again back When I wasn’t very aware of my own internal signals and, and would go through cycles of like mini burnout because I wasn’t able to like really listen.

[01:00:30] Jenny Tryansky: Yeah.

[01:00:30] Cate Blouke: And I, like, I’ve tested this enough that like it’s true for me that like I need to put that boundary in place so that I can show up well for the things that I do commit to.

[01:00:40] Jenny Tryansky: Absolutely. I, and you know, and I think again also allowing for some flexibility, like if some amazing opportunity comes up that you know, then it’s really asking, then you have to be honest about.

[01:00:52] Okay. At this moment, in given all my obligations, given my calendar, given all the things, do I have enough, Do I have the capacity to take on this extra trip?

[01:01:02] Because it’s really going to bring me fulfillment and joy. Right. I think for me, you know, I run my own business. I have a child who I’m very, very hands on with.

[01:01:10] I have a big family, I have a lot of obligations and a lot of, a lot of stuff I feel on my shoulders at any given moment. I have come to realize that I truly need moments of rest that I take whenever I, whenever I can get them.

[01:01:27] Like I used to have this belief that I, I could never take a nap or lie down in the middle of the day. And I actually am someone who, I do these yoga nidra naps and they take me into a very deep state of rest inside of me.

[01:01:40] When I come out of these yoga nidra naps, I’m more creative, I’m more present. I just have more access to like the best parts of me. And so in my former life I used to work in TV in a very fast paced industry where my hours were really, really long there.

[01:01:56] It would be unfathomable to create that space for myself. But the truth of my life now is that I’m my own boss. And so if I let myself be handcuffed by these old rules or these old ways of being and I tell myself that like, oh, you know, it’s so unproductive to take a yoga nidra nap in the middle of the day.

[01:02:14] A, I’m lying to myself because the truth is it really provides for me and it fills me up. And B, I’m. That is me getting in my own way. So I’ve just, I have a whole, a new orientation to my life because I really want to give the best of myself to the people and the things that matter to me.

[01:02:33] And in order to do that, I have to be rested.

[01:02:35] Cate Blouke: Oh, I love that. That’s one of the sort of practices I encourage is an examination of, like, what are my shoulds? What are my rules?

[01:02:44] And I’m. And I’m going to take that forward into sort of thinking about the holidays.

[01:02:49] Like, what are my shoulds? What are my rules? What are the. Like, it has to be this way. It can’t be that way. And like, kind of pulling those out and looking at them with a little bit more intentionality.

[01:03:05] Jenny Tryansky: Yeah. You know what? Another. Another good one on the same track there is asking yourself, like, what are your.

[01:03:13] Someone like me would never, you know, like, what. What are those things? Like, oh, and I. I’ve worked with a lot of women in particular around that question. Like, someone like me would never take a lunch break because I just have to barrel through my work and get through the day.

[01:03:28] Oh, God. You know what? I’ve heard that a lot from people. Like, and so it’s.

[01:03:31] Cate Blouke: Yeah, I believe it.

[01:03:32] Jenny Tryansky: It’s really good. It’s really useful to wake up to these. Huh? So I’ve created a rule for my. Someone like me would never. Blah, blah, blah. It’s like, who says, yeah, who created that?

[01:03:43] Where did that come from? And can I challenge that? Is there a different way of being that actually would be more self supportive, more self caring?

[01:03:52] And I just haven’t seen it because I’ve been walking around with this belief that someone like me could never do that.

[01:03:59] Cate Blouke: Right. And to circle back to sort of the beginning of this conversation. Right. Like, what are the rules around, like, what it means to be a good daughter? A good daughter would never.

[01:04:05] Jenny Tryansky: Yeah, exactly. The invitation, and it’s my constant invitation for myself and for others is I get like, to scrap that idea that there’s a way you need to be or a way you should be.

[01:04:17] And it’s like, what is the authentic way of being that promotes my authenticity? What is the authentic way of being? What is true to me? That’s the ultimate question. What is actually true to me?

[01:04:29] Cate Blouke: Oh, Jenny, beautiful. Thank you for this glorious, marvelous introduction to the holidays for all of us.

[01:04:39] Jenny Tryansky: Yeah. Thank you.

[01:04:40] Cate Blouke: The encouragement. So where can people find you?

[01:04:43] Jenny Tryansky: Hang on. I’m going to say one more thing. We had our Canadian Thanksgiving that already passed. And I will say, you know, we. I was sick. I actually did travel way too much in the month in September, October.

[01:04:56] And I knew it. I knew that I was pushing myself too much. I did it intentionally. But I did pay the price. And I got sick and I had to cancel all of my Thanksgiving plans.

[01:05:06] Cate Blouke: Oh, no.

[01:05:07] Jenny Tryansky: And you know what? Again, there was some sweating that happened there and some disappointment that I had to be with, that some family members had to be with. And. But I had no choice.

[01:05:16] I mean, I really had no choice then to provide for my needs. And we get over it and we move through and then there’s always other ways to, you know, make it up to people or forge that connection if we’re.

[01:05:27] If we’re really missing that connection. So I think, like, this year, especially with things are heavy out there, give yourself permission to do it the way that is going to really provide for you and provide for your needs.

[01:05:42] Cate Blouke: Yeah, I love that.

[01:05:46] Jenny Tryansky: Yes.

[01:05:46] Cate Blouke: I’m writing myself that permission slip right now. Anyone listening? I’m writing you a permission slip also.

[01:05:53] Jenny Tryansky: Okay, me too.

[01:05:55] Cate Blouke: Let’s all get through the holidays and life in general. If you’re listening to this at a different point in time, taking care of our actual needs.

[01:06:03] Jenny Tryansky: Yeah. Permission to take care of you.

[01:06:05] Where can you find me? You can find me on Instagram. I have to say I am posting less and less, less there now because I am in a season where it doesn’t feel super healthy for me to be on the social platforms as often as before.

[01:06:20] However, I post there.

[01:06:21] Cate Blouke: Good job taking care of yourself.

[01:06:23] Jenny Tryansky: Thank you very much. You know, and I have to wrestle with the voices in my head that say, but you’re running a business and you have to be out there. But I, you know, I post on there when I.

[01:06:32] When I have a burst of inspiration that I really, you know, I intend or I hope will be helpful for other people. So you can find me on Instagram at Jenny Triansky coaching.

[01:06:42] And you’re going to put this in.

[01:06:44] Cate Blouke: The show notes and that’ll be in the show notes.

[01:06:45] Jenny Tryansky: Yeah. And you can. I’m on Facebook under the same handle. My website is Jenny Triansky ca. Or dot com. And you can also find me on LinkedIn.

[01:06:57] And yeah, I write professionally for.

[01:07:01] For an organization called lifespeak. That. That is work that really lights me up. And so a lot of those articles that I’ve written are on my website in the article section.

[01:07:09] Cate Blouke: Awesome. All right, final question. What brings you joy?

[01:07:14] Jenny Tryansky: I love this question.

[01:07:16] It’s funny. I knew you were going to ask that question and I allowed myself to get quiet for a second and just have little hits of just visuals and memories sort of come to me.

[01:07:25] And so there’s a few. The things that kind of came to me in the moment where I allowed myself to feel into the joy. Honestly, food brings me joy. Really delicious food.

[01:07:35] When I allow myself to be Present with it and savor it. It’s something that connects my husband and we really connected when we first met over our, you know, our love for food.

[01:07:45] Really, really good food and nourishing food.

[01:07:47] Cate Blouke: So, like, what is a joyful meal specifically?

[01:07:51] Jenny Tryansky: Oh my gosh, that’s. That’s a hard question to answer because I enjoy so many different types of food. But when I share a meal with someone, when it’s beautiful and there’s intention that’s been put into sort of the beauty of the food, but also the intentionality behind the ingredients and the way that the flavors and the textures work together.

[01:08:13] I mean, truly, this does bring me joy. It brings me into so much presence and I so appreciate it on every level with all of my senses. It really brings me joy.

[01:08:23] But I think it also speaks to what, what brings me joy are the little, those little moments in life of pure presence and connection. And so just last night, my.

[01:08:33] I have an 11 year old daughter and we decided to try a yoga class together. That’s like mom and teens.

[01:08:41] And there was this moment in the yoga class where she reached over and took my hand and I can’t even tell, like the joy that flooded into my body in that moment, it was almost.

[01:08:53] It was validation of our connection. Like, wow. Like, my child is like, we are connected. And I think honestly, those moments of human connection, whether I experience them all the time working with my clients and in my relationships and then also with strangers, like those small moments of pure connection, human connection that really, really brings me joy and lights me up.

[01:09:17] Cate Blouke: Thank you so much, Jenny. It’s been a treat.

[01:09:20] Jenny Tryansky: Thank you so much. This was so wonderful and I’m so. It’s been such an honor to witness you bringing this podcast to life and all of your passion, all of your.

[01:09:29] All of your. The passion behind all of the ideas that you want to share with people. I just wanted to add that, that it’s like a double joy to be a guest on your podcast, but also to just see this work that you so believe in being out in the world.

[01:09:44] Cate Blouke: Thank you.

[01:09:45] Jenny Tryansky: Yeah, I really mean that.

[01:09:50] Cate Blouke: Thank you so much for listening. If you enjoyed this episode, please help me grow the podcast by subscribing, leaving a review and sharing it with anyone you think would benefit from hearing it too.

[01:10:01] Your support means the world to me. If you’d like to get updates about new episodes, posts and offerings, please visit settlingisbullshit.com to subscribe to my newsletter. You can also find information there about working with me one on one to build your most amazing life.

[01:10:16] Until next time, remember that I believe in you and that you are fucking awesome!