In Praise of Gentle Consistency

I don’t know about y’all, but I am exhausted with the everything-ness of the world right now. It’s all just so much! Nevertheless, we persist. And I hope we are all persisting in whatever way we are able with a degree of gentleness.

We all know that consistency is key to getting where we want to go, but it’s really hard to stay consistent with anything unless we build in some breathing room. Some permission to be imperfect sometimes, to do the best we can with what we’ve got on any given day.

This week’s episode is a pep talk around motivation and expansiveness, a reminder that we can absolutely get wherever it is that we’re trying to go but maybe we don’t need to push quite so hard? The point isn’t to burn ourselves out. It’s to kindle and stoke and tend to our fires with care and commitment.

💜

Also! Settling Is Bullshit is two years old this month!! And I’m giving away these awesome stickers to any of y’all lovely humans who leave a rating or review on your favorite podcast platform and then email me a screenshot at cate [at] settlingisbullshit.com or direct message me on Instagram. 🥳

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Transcript

Hello, hello my friend! 

Before we dive into today’s episode, I want to take a moment and celebrate with you. Settling Is Bullshit turned 2 years old this month! Holy shit, how exciting. 

The podcast launched in April of 2024, but originally Settling Is Bullshit started as a blog in November of 2022. Two fucking years, man! How cool!

And in order to celebrate and to express appreciation for all of you wonderful humans who are listening, I am giving away stickers. I’ve got a whole delightful five-pack of Settling Is Bullshit branded stickers with the logo and with Cara, the cow. 

And if you want to get your hands on these stickers, all you have to do is leave a review and then email me a screenshot at cate [at] settlingisbullshit.com with a screenshot of your review or rating wherever you listen to podcasts.

Then I’ll mail you stickers and it’ll be delightful! So please, please, please take a moment or two out of your day to do that. I would appreciate it and I will be really excited to send you stickers. So it’s a total win-win and thank you again for listening. I really do appreciate you.

[transition music]

Hey, friend. Today, I wanna talk about consistency, about habits, about change, about how the fuck we get from where we are today to where we wanna go. And I wanna remind all of us that the way to get from A to Z is through gentle consistency. 

So this one goes out to anybody who is trying to make a change in your life, big or small. Regardless of the arena of life, the truth is there are no big magical wands or pills or spells or potions or technological innovations that are gonna do it for us. Like AI can do a lot, but it’s not gonna make the changes in our life that we want to make without our active effort.

And I know you know that consistency is important. Of course you do. But like, if it were that easy, we’d all just already be doing the things that we know we want and need to do for ourselves. 

This morning, Duolingo let me know that I had achieved a 700 day streak in learning Spanish! And I’m super pleased with myself about that. I shared it on social media because yay, I like digital badges. I’m an early millennial… late millennial? I don’t know, I’m whatever the like early 1980s means. And I like my goddamn participation trophies and I’m not ashamed of that anymore! 

However, what Duolingo doesn’t tell me is how many days it actually took me to get that 700 day streak. Because the truth is, what I love about Duolingo and its gamification of learning is that it has factored into account that it is completely unreasonable and semi-impossible to expect most humans to do something absolutely every day. Duolingo includes streak freezes. So like, you get a little break. On days that you forget or just don’t have it in you, Duolingo understands that and protects your streak. So y’all, like, I got a 700 day streak, but I’m… I guarantee that took me 800 or more days. I did not in any way show up to my little Spanish app every day for 700 days in a row. 

And it just got me thinking about how important it is to be gentle with ourselves around the things we’re trying to be consistent with and to recognize that – especially when we’re making changes that aren’t fun and that we don’t actually want to make? Like, that’s gonna be hard and we have to give ourselves grace. 

And we also have to figure out what actually motivates us. I know that I am super motivated by shiny objects and digital badges and by tracking. That works really well for me. It’s entirely the reason that I’ve been consistent about running for many years. It’s because I like running half marathons and getting a shiny object at the end. I am not a fucking fast runner, so being the best at things does not motivate me. I get super stressed out around competition. But if I get to feel deeply accomplished and get some sort of tactile object at the end, like that motivates me. ‘

And that totally doesn’t motivate other people. One of my former colleagues and dear friends was an Ironman triathlete and he was super motivated by competing with himself, and competing with other people. But it’s funny, because he would laugh at me, because he’s like, “I do not have fucks to give about the medal at the end.” And I’m like, “what are you talking about?!” (He’s also Gen X, so let’s throw that into the mix)… 

But the point is, really sitting down and understanding what motivates us is key to implementing changes. So here’s an offer to just take a moment and think about, like, what motivates you? 

Are you motivated by reward? Or are you motivated by negative consequences? Especially when it comes to something you don’t especially wanna do. 

I’m super reward motivated. Give me a carrot that is actually a cake, a carrot cake, like then I am gonna do the thing! Because I love carrot cake. (Carrots are not motivating to me). But I am really oriented towards rewards and prizes and stickers and gold stars, and so that’s why I talk about that shit all the time on here.

But there’s nothing inherently better about that than being sort of aversion motivated. I’ve tracked this with a lot of my different clients who are struggling to make changes. They know they want it for themselves, but dangling a reward at the end just doesn’t do it. But having actual negative consequences will get them to do it. 

And there’s nothing wrong with that! That’s just how we’re wired sometimes. 

Are you externally motivated or internally motivated? 

Do deadlines motivate you or are you one of those magical humans who get things done way before the deadline? 

Are you internally motivated to do the things that you know are good for you or that you want for yourself? 

Or, do you require some sort of deadline or external pressure or accountability? 

Neither is right or wrong, but knowing which one is yours is how you’re gonna start making progress on the thing that you want for yourself. And knowing what doesn’t work for you is also really important. 

I used to think I was super deadline-oriented and motivated, but what that actually looked like (hello ADHD), was procrastinating, procrastinating, procrastinating, and then like the day of or the day before going on a binge or a bender to like get it done and stressing myself the fuck out. And like, yes, that was effective in that I got it done. But it also wasn’t a really healthy and helpful way for me go about things. 

Whereas when I started using a bullet journal and a tracking system to give myself credit for working on something a little bit every day, then I didn’t necessarily have to go on this insane bender of stress. Because the truth is those insane benders, while they might get the thing done, it’s not actually helping me grow in my skill set, in my learning, in my coping with life, because that’s not how learning works. That’s also not how change works. It’s not how habit formation works. 

What we actually need is gentle consistency over time. Small doses add up to big gains over time. And we can all know that, but it really warrants hearing over and over. Repetition breeds new neural pathways, and new muscle memory, even when it comes to ways of thinking. 

How many times have you had a new habit you wanted to adopt, had a new hobby you wanted to pick up, and you go out and you buy all the gear and the things and you’re like, yeah, I’m going to do this! And you spend a couple of hours on Saturday getting all like into it, whatever it is. And you’re like, fuck yeah! I’m… I’m a watercolor painter now! I’m a model train person now. I’m a CrossFit person now. I just did a bunch of kettlebells and lifts or whatever. (I don’t CrossFit). And then like two weeks later, you haven’t touched it. 

I mean, I know that I have had that experience. I know that many of my lovely humans who I know are listening to this have had that experience – because it’s totally normal. It’s human. 

We want to see results immediately. And it’s so hard. It’s so hard to let go of that. It’s so hard to really focus on the incremental gains. I love Atomic Habits by James Clear because it talks about those incremental gains. That one squat is better than no squats. That if we set ourselves up and commit to doing a thing just a little bit, either every day or on the same days every week or the same number of days every week… and that if we start small, that effort will build on itself. 

Action fuels motivation. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Action fuels motivation – that when we do things, even just a little bit, we start to get traction. We start to get motivation. 

And to circle a little bit back to that idea, that question of what motivates you, one of the questions that he asks in the book or the ideas that he proposes is, shifting away from specific goals and into this sense of identity. 

So, running a marathon is a goal, being a runner is an identity. And what I’ve discovered is that I do well with both of those things, like when I put them together. So like with Duolingo, like yes, I want to learn Spanish. But I was a lot more motivated about doing Duolingo when I was actually going to Mexico City for my birthday a couple of years ago. Or when I am signed up to run a race, I am more able to stay consistent with my running. I both want to be someone who speaks Spanish, I want to be a runner, and that sense of identity and purpose helps me show up to my Duolingo, show up to taking my run.

But in both of those examples, like I went to Mexico City and then now I’m not going anywhere Spanish-speaking any time soon. And now, like, I will absolutely log in and just get the, like, one lesson done instead of really leaning into the learning. Similarly, I didn’t have a race on my calendar for the last few months and I haven’t been running as much. And so knowing that about myself, that I actually do need some sort of structure and end goal, is really helpful when I’m trying to do things. 

Similarly, when I’m trying to do things I don’t really want to do, like flossing. I hate flossing. Flossing is just like not a thing that I enjoy. I’m never going to enjoy it. There’s no gamification that is going to make it fun for me. And the consequences of not doing it are not immediately obvious. And so the only way to get myself to floss consistently is to track it. Like that’s where my bullet journal comes in handy, that’s where tracking apps come in handy for me, because I need to see that I have let myself off the hook for a few days in a row. And that’ll usually get me to get back on the saddle, back in the wagon, whatever, because the things we ignore fester. And that is a gross but very specifically applicable analogy for not flossing my teeth. 

And so sometimes it’s accountability, sometimes it’s a reward.

You know, different goals and habits that we have require different approaches. The same thing isn’t going to work for everything that we do. But what I will say, like the premise of this little pep talk and reminder for you and future me and the aliens who might or might not be listening, is that gentle consistency is more likely to yield the long-term results that we want than hardcore rigorous must do this every day. 

When I was first learning to meditate, I found the Insight Timer app, which I absolutely adore and highly recommend, and it also tracks streaks. It does not have the streak-freeze safety net that Duolingo does. And so what would happen for me is I’d get like an 80 or 90 day streak and then I’d… and then I wouldn’t do it for like a week because I was so disheartened because I broke my streak. And so that was an opportunity for personal growth and development for me in terms of recognizing that it doesn’t actually matter. And that an 80 or 90 day streak is absolutely better than a zero day streak. 

That if I get too attached to outcomes or results or streaks, then I can give up on myself when I don’t get things perfectly. And that’s a fucking recipe for burnout.

That’s why I’m advocating for gentle consistency – is that there has to be room for error in all things that we do. There has to be a spaciousness in getting from zero to a hundred. We can get to a hundred, whatever the hundred is. Whether it’s a health goal, whether it’s a hobby goal, whether it’s a work goal, we can get there. It’s just very rarely gonna happen overnight. It’s very rarely gonna happen without steady, consistent effort. 

When I was getting started with this podcast and feeling really overwhelmed with what I want it to be and how I want it to grow and my hopes and dreams for it, one of my coaches offered me the beautiful reminder that consistency is more important than confidence. Showing up to this podcast and doing it imperfectly (whatever the fuck perfect would even mean in this context), and doing so with regularity so that y’all know you can count on me, and I know I can count on me, is way more important than showing up feeling super duper confident and with no self-doubt and with total assurance that everything’s gonna be amazing. 

Which like, I do kind of believe, but like I don’t get to live there 100 % of the time. And my own experience is that self-esteem is built on esteemable actions. When I show up to the things that I say I’m gonna show up to, I prove to myself that I’m capable of that, that I’m capable of consistency. I show myself that I am the person that I want to be. 

And given that I have a little like perfectionist demon living in the back of my head, I also have to build in some space for room and grace around that. And what that has looked like in a lot of my habits and routines, right, is with flossing, it’s like, okay, if I get like five out of seven days, then I’m doing great. With running, some days I just don’t have it in me, and that’s okay. I don’t have to run as far as my plan says I should run. In general, that’s what I want to aim for, but sometimes I have to give myself grace. 

And what it looks like to make changes in our life, to work towards the things that we want for ourselves in a measured and sustainable way is to really pay attention to not burning ourselves out. 

I have a bunch of content that I super-duper want to share with you guys, you gals, you humans, and I’m really excited about it, I totally want to binge. I’m like, I want to share this conversation that I already had! And I want to share this blog post and I want to share this pep talk solo episode. And I want to send it all to you all at the same time because I have ADHD and I’m excited! 

But I had to remind myself that long-term sustainable growth and consistency are how I avoid burnout. Like if I went on an editing bender and sent you the like two interview conversations and the like three blog posts and this one that I have all ready to go.

A), I would be fucking exhausted. And B), like y’all don’t have the attention to listen to like six hours of content from me in a week. There’s a reason that we space this shit out. 

And so that’s true of like all of the hobbies or the businesses or the practices that we have that like meditating for three hours isn’t gonna have the same impact as meditating for 30 minutes every day. (That’s a really long time, I don’t meditate for that long). 

There’s a reason that we have daily routines and daily rhythms and showing up to the page, to the kettlebell, to the work, to the recording, to the paint, whatever it is, showing up in a steady way is how we’re gonna make big, cool, awesome shit happen for ourselves.

And I know for me, usually when I go on the like, bender land with whatever the thing is, it’s because I’m really trying to get some sort of outcome. It’s because I want what I want when I want it, and I want it now, and I think, or I delude myself into thinking that if I just like, push harder, do more, that I will get the thing sooner. 

And what I think this podcast is teaching me, what the last couple years of my life have been teaching me, is that when I stop trying to push so hard, I can actually enjoy the process. I can actually enjoy crafting beautiful episodes for you to listen to. I can enjoy the space in between and the thoughts that emerge and the themes that I start to notice when I record conversations and then let them sit and marinate in my little brain for a while. And I think I spent so much of my life just trying to like flash fry instead of marinating (to bring in a cooking analogy). I am an impatient fucking sparkly little human and maybe this is coming with my 40s but I think I’m finally getting to a place of being willing to slow down because I have started to understand the benefits. I’ve been thinking and reading and talking a lot lately about the necessity of space and spaciousness and rest and breathing room and breath and slowing down. 

And so whatever change you’re trying to manifest, whatever long-term goal you’re looking towards, whether it feels really, really distant or feels like sort of in reach, but also kind of impossible, whether you know you need to make changes for the benefit of your long-term health, like whatever it is… I just want to wrap you in a big warm hug of encouragement because I know you can do it. And also a big warm hug of remembering that you’ll get there slowly. 

Let’s all be the tortoise and not the hare. Let’s slow our roll. Let’s take a deep breath, look around us and enjoy whatever the fuck is going on today. And just stay in today. Like what can I do today that contributes to my long-term dreams? 

That’s the question I want to ask myself every day. And to trust that whatever I do today is enough. I have a post-it on my computer that says that. That whatever I do today is enough. Because the truth is, when I’m not letting the self-doubt demons run my life, I can trust myself. And I do actually show up, and I do actually do enough. 

The lie of time scarcity, of results scarcity, of scarcity in general can totally creep up on me if I let it. But dreams come true one day at a time. Life unfolds one day at a time. And what’s important is doing a little bit a day at a time. 

So as we wind down this episode about gentle consistency, where are you being hard on yourself, my love? Where could you be more gentle? 

And what could consistency look like? 

What could an imperfect, enough-ness oriented map or routine or schedule look like in working toward the thing that you want for yourself? 

And do you need gold stars? Do you need a friend to check in with to say, I did the thing? Do you need a friend to hold $50 of your money in escrow so that if you don’t do the thing, they’ll send it to someone you hate? I don’t know… (That is actually a like aversion motivation that has worked for me in the past and has worked for people I know). 

But the point being is what will actually motivate you to do the thing that you want for yourself? 

What kind of accountability and support can you get? 

And how can you be gentle with yourself? Because those are the ingredients for the magic spell of getting where we want to go. And I am holding that vision for you. I’m holding that vision for me. And I know that if we just keep showing up, we’re gonna get there together.