Finding the Sweet Spot between Grit and Grace

I don’t want to write today, but I’m doing it anyway. Yay, I’m being gritty! And that is awesome, right? Maybe. 

According to Angela Duckworth (who wrote the book on Grit), “grit is passion and perseverance for long-term goals.” And every piece of writing advice ever will tell you that writing daily is the way to make writing happen. Just sit down and do it. So, here I am – writing even though I’m tired and kind of depressed and a bit too emotionally depleted to keep working on the other post I’ve been drafting this week (about dating and hope). Gold star for me! Right? Yeah, but…

Really, grit isn’t always the right choice – at least on a daily level. Today, I’m doing it anyway because I actually think it’ll be helpful. But I also set a fifteen minute timer and am going to honor that, because fifteen minutes is enough. (Surprise! I write these posts over several days, so this will get finished on a different day. I’ll be in a different mood and have different thoughts! However, the place I started matters, too).

Sometimes grit means grind culture, like the road to burnout, like pushing yourself too hard for too long and running out of steam. It can be all too easy to get fixated on a goal or an idea of what “success” is supposed to look like and lose track of the ways that taking care of ourselves, being gentle with ourselves, and letting go of perfectionism are equally worthy goals.

We can make our way to our dreams without sacrificing our mental health along the way. But for recovering overachievers, perfectionists, and people pleasers, we need reminders to slow the fuck down and give ourselves a bit more grace. 

Giving Ourselves the Grace We Deserve

Giving ourselves grace means being generous with ourselves, giving ourselves the approval we deserve, and being kind to ourselves when things get hard. And while putting in the hard work is an important part of the path to what we want in life, it’s also important to take a step back and give ourselves credit for what we’re already doing, how far we’ve already come. It’s both kind and generous to include the way we get to our destination as part of the goal. 

In other words, finding the sweet spot between grit and grace means approaching our goals with a sense of gentleness. What if, rather than driving ourselves with self-criticism or the stick of not-good-enough, we instead committed to achieving our goals while also being nice to ourselves? What if we made it a point to pause with some frequency and give ourselves credit for the work we’ve put in? To intentionally take stock of the progress we HAVE made instead of focusing on what we don’t yet have or how far is still left to go?

I want this blog to be something meaningful and significant to folks beyond my inner circle. I want to be a place of welcome for others who struggle with mental health, with boundaries, with recovery, with all the shit that makes adulting in the 21st Century hard. And it can be really easy to get hung up on how far I have left to go to get there. 

But that’s not helpful or kind. You know what is? Giving myself credit for the fact that I’ve been writing this more-or-less consistently for almost six months now! This is post number 23! That’s a pretty fucking cool accomplishment. I’ve been sticking with it. I’ve gained a few followers that I didn’t already know IRL (thanks, y’all! So glad you’re here). So, I’m doing it! I’m doing the thing, one post at a time. 

And it’s super okay that I’m not churning out a post/week like I’d ideally like to. I’m back in school. I have a job. I’m taking care of my recovery and my physical health/fitness, along with my mental health. All of which is a lot. So that fact that I’m carving out any time to write things here is pretty fucking rad. And I need to remember that when I’m feeling down about how long it’s been since my last post. 

Adjusting Arbitrary Expectations

Grit is working toward long-term goals with persistence and determination. Grace is adding in some benchmarks along the way and giving ourselves credit for meeting them. It’s also reminding ourselves that sometimes the rules we set for ourselves on the path to our long-term goals are arbitrary and unreasonably demanding. 

I want to post to this blog once/week. That was the expectation I set for myself when I started out. At the time, that seemed reasonable. But what happened when I couldn’t meet that expectation? I started feeling like a failure, like I was letting myself (and you) down. And it ground my motivation to a halt. 

I also seem to have an expectation around length – that these posts have to be long. But that’s just another arbitrary expectation I set for myself. One that is getting in the way of the previous goal/expectation/hope – both of which are arbitrary.

Most of the time, we get to set the rules for how we work toward our goals. The problem is that we’re usually in a hurry. Or, we’ve internalized social norms or messaging that dictates how we’re “supposed” to get where we want to go.

But it’s all just arbitrary. Yes, we have to pass the LSAT to get into law school. But there are no rules for how to study. We have to train if we want to run a marathon. But there are a LOT of different pathways and training programs to get there. And there’s usually not an actual deadline we have to meet for any of it.

All Timelines Are Imaginary

I don’t know about you, but my life hasn’t unfolded on my timeline. I didn’t finish grad school as quickly as I thought I would. My house didn’t sell as quickly as I thought it would, nor did I find a new place in what felt like a reasonable amount of time. I haven’t found a life partner yet, and, boy howdy, is that not on my timeline. But all of those timelines are just shit I made up because I want the world to operate according to my plans. And I put so much pressure on myself to try and meet those arbitrary deadlines.

I’ve been finding it helpful lately to remind myself that nothing is actually urgent. I’m not being chased by a bear. I’m not having a heart attack. My house isn’t on fire. 

Self-imposed deadlines can be helpful when I need to get shit done, but they can also easily turn into unwarranted pressure when I forget that I made them up in the first place. 

Grit is continuing to post to this blog over time. Grace is letting go of the outcome, reminding myself that this blog is mine and nobody else gets to decide what it looks like. Grace is waiting until I can post something I’m proud of rather than churning something out just to meet an imaginary deadline I set for myself. 

I believe we can all achieve our dreams if we’re willing to put in the work – and be patient. It’s the hurrying, the false urgency, the unnecessary pressure that burns us out and makes us give up. It’s also forgetting that there’s no such thing as “I’ll be happy when.” 

Happiness, contentment, fulfillment happen now. Right now. Those don’t come just because we make it to our goals. Grace is remembering that. It’s noticing how I’m doing today, how I’m showing up on the way to a goal even if it’s unfolding more slowly than I’d prefer. 

It’s been over a week since I started this post, and I’ve been taking good care of myself in the meantime. I’m giving myself a gold star for that, and for getting this done.

Everything happens one step at a time, and each step is a victory. 

What’s a small victory you’ve achieved today? Have you given yourself credit for it? Noticed what you ARE doing for yourself instead of fixating on what you aren’t? I hope so.

You deserve some credit for everything you’ve done lately to keep yourself afloat in a sea of way too many things for anyone to manage on their own. Gold star, friend. You’re doing it.