Taking “No” for an Answer

For a single-syllable, two-letter word, “no” can get pretty complicated for a lot of us. Sometimes it’s easy, straightforward, and no big deal. Sometimes it’s heartbreaking. Sometimes the prospect of hearing it is so terrifying that we don’t even ask for what we need. 

Regardless of whether we struggle with people-pleasing, both giving and receiving no for an answer can be tough. And that makes sense. There’s a lot of messaging out there encouraging us to push past no, telling us that persistence is the only way to get what we want from people. 

And, well, fuck all that. There’s a big difference between advocating for our needs (yay!) and disrespecting other people’s boundaries (booooo!). 

I want to live in a culture that supports healthy boundaries. And healthy boundaries entail respecting people’s “no,” especially our own. Learning to graciously take no for an answer has helped me, in turn, learn how to get more comfortable telling other people no (i.e. learn to respect and hold my own boundaries).

So let’s take a little journey together and talk about boundaries, my loves, and how honoring other people’s no’s can create an environment where everyone feels a bit more safe and seen.

People-Pleasing: The Struggle Is Real

Is it difficult for you to tell people no? Do requests from others leave you feeling obligated? Do you feel guilty about saying no, even to somewhat unreasonable requests? Do you tend to offer detailed explanations as to why you have to tell someone no? Do you come up with elaborate justifications or backstories or invent what feels like a more “valid” excuse for telling someone no?

I ask not to cast judgment! Speaking from personal experience, y’all. I feel you. So, to all my recovering people-pleasers out there, let’s take a moment to unpack. Our relationship to telling other people no often has a lot to do with our relationship to asking to have our own needs met. 

Asking for what we want can be such a struggle for so many reasons (usually childhood-related). If we grew up feeling like love had to be earned, like we had to do for other people in order to be valued and accepted, that shit is sooooo hard to break free from. It’s also really hard to give ourselves permission to take up space, to have needs, to want and ask for things for ourselves. 

That’s how we end up with all these funky, insidious stories attached to making requests for ourselves. When it feels like a Herculean effort to ask for what we want in the first place, hearing no can knock the wind right out of us. 

So, it makes a lot of sense that we don’t want to tell other people no. And, my dears, it’s not our fault. The American educational system does not teach boundaries. We did not see it on TV growing up (though I do think there is hope for the kiddos of the current generation). And, frankly, I’ve met very few folks in their 20s, 30s, 40s, or 50s+ whose parents somehow managed to model healthy boundaries within the family unit. 

So, if people-pleasing is part of your struggle, you are not at all alone. And I’m here today with my little public service announcement about how we can all do a little bit better in supporting each other in honoring someone’s no (including our own).

Saying “No” Is an Act of Self-Care

When someone tells you no, how do you react? Does it feel like rejection? Does it reinforce old stories like “this is why I never ask for anything?” Does it hurt? Does it feel like confirmation that nobody ever shows up when you need them? 

If so, here’s the radical proposition at the heart of this blog post that might help unlock some of those ugly old stories lurking behind the scenes: saying no is an act of self-care. This is true when we work up the courage and give ourselves permission to say no. It’s also true when others do the same.

That’s the thing about receiving a no from others: it’s not about us! Honestly, most things that other people do or don’t do aren’t really about us. Ever. Not really. People do shit or don’t do shit because they’re trying to take care of themselves and get their own needs met – not because they’re consciously evaluating our worth or lovability or value to them as a person.

So when people tell us no, it’s because they are taking care of themselves. They’re honoring their own needs/desires/instincts. And the same is true for us! We just have to learn to tune into ourselves in order to honor those needs/desires/instincts.

However, when we struggle to see our needs as valid, to stay in touch with what our body is trying to tell us, to stand in our own worth – then telling people no can be agonizingly difficult. 

We don’t want to disappoint people.

We don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings.

We don’t want to let them down, or upset them, or “make it weird.”

Except all of that is a culturally imposed narrative that we don’t have to buy into. And it starts with learning to honor each other’s no’s.

Thank You for Taking Care of Yourself

A few years ago (in a workshop about boundaries put on by Sex Positive Portland), I learned how to take no for an answer. And it blew my fucking mind, y’all. It’s super simple and also a completely transformative approach to honoring other people’s boundaries. (This is super-relevant in sexual contexts but applies across the board).

When someone tells us no, the best, most appropriate, most supportive, and, I’ll go ahead and say it, correct response is: “thank you for taking care of yourself.”

Let’s repeat that together. When someone tells us no, our response – if we want to be loving and generous and supportive of our fellow humans – is to say: thank you for taking care of yourself.

It is not to make comments about how disappointing we find that answer.

It is not to ask probing questions about why someone doesn’t want to do the thing.

It is not to bring up the past and all the times we did the thing for them that they now don’t want (or aren’t able) to do for us.

It is not to turn it into a comparison game about how we have the same reasons that they do, but we’re going to do the thing anyway. (e.g. we are both busy humans, but I’m making the time, so why can’t you?)

The best, most supportive, and truly appropriate response is to say: thank you for taking care of yourself.

Y’all, I promise this simple approach to showing up in your relationships is a fucking game changer. It demonstrates to the people in your life that they are safe to honor their own boundaries, that you are trustworthy with their vulnerability, that they are allowed to have needs without risking a rupture in the relationship.

Acceptance Is Not Approval

Okay, so let’s be clear – I’m in no way trying to tell you that you have to become some kind of saintly human who just shrugs it off when someone tells you no. This model is just about the initial outward response, not about what’s going on in your head and heart.

You’re absolutely allowed to have feelings about someone telling you no. You’re allowed to be disappointed, frustrated, angry, sad, confused, hurt, etc. All of those feelings are totally valid, and I do not want you to try and pretend they aren’t happening. 

What I am encouraging is that we don’t take all those feelings and make them the other person’s problem or responsibility. Other people can’t make us feel any kind of way. We have our feelings and reactions to things, and they have theirs. And it’s neither fair nor helpful to use our negative reactions to somebody’s no as leverage to try and get them to change their mind.

There is a time and a place to have a conversation about the impact of someone’s no, especially if it hurts our feelings. However, that conversation will usually go a lot better if we take some time and space to tend to our hurt feelings and can approach the conversation from a place of calm. 

What might that look like? “Thank you for taking care of yourself. I want to honor your boundaries. I’m having an emotional reaction at the moment, and I want to take some time to tend to my own needs. Can we circle up about this later?”

Navigating that conversation further is food for a whole ‘nother blog post – one that dives into Nonviolent Communication and how to show up wholeheartedly during conflict. But this is the place to start. 

Accepting someone’s no with grace and love and support doesn’t mean we have to like it. It doesn’t mean we have to agree with it. It just means that we’re making a commitment to honor the sanctity of boundaries – which is definitely how I want to show up in the world. How about you?