What If *Everything* Counted?

Fitbits, Apple watches, apps upon apps upon apps… if you’re doing a thing and want to track it, the technology is there. Want to know how you’re sleeping? There’s an app for that. Want to keep an eye on water intake, or mood, or your cycle, or stress levels, or even your bowel movements – you can find some tech to track it. 

But what about all the more abstract stuff that we don’t plug into an app or let our watches keep track of? What about smiles at a stranger, putting away your shopping cart, the choice to do the dishes, or take out the trash, or practice self care in small but meaningful ways? Are you giving yourself enough credit for all that stuff in the tracker of your soul?

So often, when we’re striving for something, we don’t “count” things unless they’re big. We look toward the outcome or finish line and get stuck or overwhelmed by how far we have left to go. We set benchmarks for accomplishments and tend to overlook the hundreds of tiny steps and small choices we have to make in order to get anywhere.

But what if all of those things counted? What if we paused and gave ourselves a check mark, or a gold star, or just a little bit of credit for each and every thing we do to take better care of ourselves? To move toward what we want? To show up in this world with just a little more hope and gratitude and compassion? How might that change our lives for the better?

(Self) Criticism Isn’t a Good Motivator 

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about goals, and creativity, and showing up for ourselves; about the question of how to get forward momentum when we want big, cool things; and about how to be kinder to ourselves in that process. How do we get more of what we want in our lives without beating ourselves up trying to get there?

For those of us recovering from emotionally difficult childhoods, from bullying, from trauma, from growing up with a deep sense of not-enough-ness – there’s often an impulse toward so-called “tough love.” There’s a voice in our heads that offers criticism as the misguided path to improvement. 

“Suck it up, buttercup!” It says.

“Don’t be such a loser/piece of shit.”

“Everyone else can get their act together, so quit being such a baby and just do it.”

Y’all, that voice is a dick. And it generally doesn’t inspire a whole lot of motivation. 

That voice makes everything we’re doing into an effort to avoid its wrath. Instead of moving toward the things we want for ourselves, we’re trying to get away from criticism, disappointment, and self-loathing. We’re trying to avoid a cringe instead of moving toward a calling, which just isn’t an especially motivating place to start.

[Note: If you’re reading this don’t have all of that baggage or that kind of inner monologue chasing you around, kudos! This post may still give you some insight into the world of someone you love].

For those of us who’ve been climbing the lifelong hill of feeling good enough, it’s so incredibly hard to take meaningful action towards the big amazing things we want for ourselves. Especially when the asshole in our heads tends to beat us down. Sometimes, it’s even hard to let ourselves imagine wanting big amazing things because they seem so out of reach.

Letting Go of the “Yeah, But…”

I think a big part of the not-good-enough void is the way that the things we do don’t seem to count to us. The way we poo-poo our own efforts. 

Do you “yeah, but” yourself? When people give you praise or express appreciation for things you did or said, do you downplay it? Do you redirect attention away from the external validation that you actually desperately crave? 

Well, yeah, I did this thing, but…

Thanks for noticing/mentioning it, but… 

Sure, it’s a pretty good cake/meal/drawing/accomplishment, but…

I’ve definitely spent too much of my life in the “yeah, buts.” It’s partly because I never really learned how to accept praise or compliments, and partly because I spent so much of my life feeling kind of worthless, invisible, unlovable, and just plain shitty about myself. I didn’t know how to accept validation and acknowledgement from others because I didn’t know how to give it to myself. 

Because I used to have this deep underlying sense of unworthiness, when people would offer validation, it sparked cognitive dissonance. My brain would sort of short circuit and tell me that what they were saying didn’t really compute. How could I have done something right/good/praiseworthy when I wasn’t actually right/good/praiseworthy as a human? (Y’all, this shit runs deeeeep. And I know at least some of you can relate.)

Thankfully, that’s not where I live anymore! These days, I make a conscious choice to set aside the “yeah, but” and embrace the “heck yeah!” I trust that when people say nice things, they mean them. And I pause to actually absorb the praise. It’s not always comfortable, but it continues to get easier. And it all adds to my ever-expanding bank of self-esteem and self-efficacy.

Our Efforts Matter (i.e. They Count)

Self-efficacy means believing that we are capable, that we can do the things! It’s super important to cultivate self-efficacy if we’re trying to make changes or even just exist with a bit more ease in the world. And, to me, an important path to building our sense of self-efficacy is noticing and giving ourselves credit for all the little shit we do manage to accomplish in our lives.

What would it be like to live our lives giving ourselves credit for everything? What if everything counted in our own internal gauge of worth?

What if showing up to the journal or the page or the draft at all counted? What if even just opening the sketchbook, the violin case, the cookbook, the garage door, the whatever it is that starts the process of getting you closer to what you want – what if even the smallest actions toward the things we want for ourselves counted? How would that change the way we live?

I’ve talked about this before, but seriously, one squat is better than no squats. One minute of meditation is better than none. One baby carrot is better than no vegetables at all.

But for the raging headmistress in my brain, things don’t “count” unless they’re big. If I don’t spend 20 or 30 minutes exercising or meditating or cleaning or whatever – it doesn’t count.

And I don’t know about y’all, but it’s really hard to get myself to do things unless they “count.” Seriously, the only reason I floss consistently is because I started tracking it in my bullet journal again. 

Just knowing something is good for me isn’t enough to get me to do it. I want credit! I want a fucking gold star. Yes, I am a Millennial, and I want my participation trophy. And it has taken me a long, long time to give myself permission to want/need that, to be okay with treating myself like the grown-up kid that I am who just wants to feel like my efforts matter.

And giving myself credit makes a difference. It fuels my sense of self-efficacy, which, in turn, fuels my motivation and willingness to take even small steps toward what I want for myself.

I started this blog almost a year ago with the goal of six posts in six weeks. If I only gave myself credit for every post – and not for all the days that I showed up to my drafts and spent just a few minutes working on them – we wouldn’t be here 11 months later with 35 completed posts and more than 50k words to show for it. All of that happened because every minute I spent working on this project counted. Even the smallest amount of effort mattered.

What We Don’t Do Matters, Too

Another realization I’ve come to lately is that if I’m going to give myself permission to want/need gold stars in order to do the things that are good for me, then I also get to give myself a lot more credit, a lot more gold stars, even and especially for the things I didn’t do, but wanted to. Like all of the times I didn’t lurk my ex’s social media because I knew it would just make me feel worse (10+ months and counting!).

The stuff we don’t do is super important, too – it’s a sign of our growth and healing and self-care. Too often, we overlook that. We don’t even notice that we’ve stopped doing a thing that used to be a self-destructive habit. 

This came up in a conversation I had with a friend last week. She had a real, real bad date. And instead of going home with the person anyway (old, familiar behavior), she didn’t! She said, “no thank you,” and took care of her actual needs and self respect. 

But it didn’t feel like an accomplishment the next day. She was understandably caught up in the sad-lonelies, and the discouragement of the shitty date, and she couldn’t give herself credit for showing up for herself.

And, boy howdy, can I relate to that. It’s so easy to focus on how things aren’t going the way we want them to, that we didn’t get what we actually hoped for, that we’re not doing enough of the things we think we should.

But what about all the stuff we aren’t doing (anymore)? What about all the times we didn’t buy/reach for the bag of Cheetos? That we didn’t eat the whole pint of ice cream? That we didn’t hit the snooze button? The times that we didn’t text the ex, or go home with the gross person, or respond to the unavailable person who reached out again? Are we giving ourselves credit for that stuff? 

Because I sure think we deserve a gold star for every time we don’t give in to temptation just as much as we deserve one for every time we take positive action for ourselves. 

You Decide What Counts

Y’all, that “should” voice in your head is bullshit. Whatever it is that’s telling you that what you did isn’t enough to count – it’s bullshit. The idea that if you don’t spend X amount of time doing the thing, or that you have to do it every single day, or you have to produce Y amount for it to count is bullshit.

You gotta start somewhere. And you gotta give yourself credit for starting. 

Stretch goals are important. In order to grow we do need to push ourselves. But we also need to get some momentum before we can really take off. Giving ourselves credit for the little shit is the way to build momentum.

So what’s an area of your life where you could give yourself a bit more credit?

What might you do differently if whatever you did was enough? If all of your efforts counted?