Giving Yourself Permission

Adulting is fucking hard, y’all. It’s exhausting. It’s annoying. It’s expensive. And the only way to navigate it and stay sane (and hygenic) is by instituting rules to keep ourselves in check. We all have our own internalized set of policies and procedures we follow in order to stay afloat in our lives. We have our shoulds and our have to’s and our expectations that give us guidelines to follow as we try and make our way in this big wide world.

But. Sometimes (a lot of times) those rules end up holding us back from who we really want to be. They get in the way. They create a cage we don’t even realize is there. So, it’s important to take a moment to pull our internal rule book off the shelf and look at whether the structures we’ve put in place are actually serving us or whether they’re hella outdated and need some revisions.

If we want big, cool, new shit in our lives, then we’re probably going to have to learn to give ourselves permission to color outside the lines, to step over the edge, to shed the shit that’s keeping us small.

This is your pep talk around giving yourself permission. Permission to be a little bit more yourself. Permission to do things imperfectly. Permission to switch things up, to stop putting up with bullshit, to give yourself the things you need.

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Fun story: the picture on this post is of an actual permission slip I made myself last year during one of my coach training programs. I needed a lot of permission from myself to stop feeling like I had to get it right. To let myself play. To try and fail and try again.

Bill & Ted are very much symbolic of the cool things that can happen when you just fuck around and bumble your way through things the best you can. And they want us all to be excellent to each other! So, they helped me give myself the permission I needed.

Read the Transcript Below

Cate Blouke (00:00.398)
Today’s episode goes out to all of my fellow recovering people-pleasers and perfectionists, to the Enneagram 2s and 1s and 5s and 6s, to the Virgos and the Libras and all of y ‘all humans who are listening who need to give yourself permission. Permission to be honest about your feelings, to ask for what you want and need, to do things imperfectly, to be yourself, to show up authentically.

There are so many areas of life that so many of us need to give ourselves permission. It’s something that I’ve written about before, that I’ve talked about, that I will continue to write and talk about, because it’s a pretty big deal in my life. And I know that it’s a pretty big deal in the lives of anyone who has struggled with boundaries or people-pleasing or perfectionism, because all of those are symptoms of having rules that we live by that don’t always serve us all that well.

And the sneaky bit about that is that they don’t feel like rules. It’s not like we look at our lives and we have this rule book that we pull off the shelf and we’re like, rule number one, we must do this, rule number two. It’s not that straightforward. And frankly, some of us, myself included, would actually appreciate that kind of rule book of just like, this is how you’re supposed to be a human in the world. Here’s how to do it, here are the rules, there you go. That would be a lot more straightforward.

But instead, we inherit all of these different policies and procedures, these different ways of being, these different expectations, these criteria that we set for ourselves or that our parents set for us or that our culture set for us or that our society set for us of how things are supposed to be. And oftentimes we’re really not all that cognizant or aware of what those rules are – except when we brush up against them and it doesn’t feel good and we don’t think we can do that. And so we keep ourselves small.

And so when we’re trying to grow into something newer and bigger and more vulnerable and more authentic, we’re oftentimes going to run up against those rules that we have for ourselves. And it can be super fucking uncomfortable. And sometimes we don’t really know why it’s so uncomfortable because again, we’re not fully aware that we have these rules in the first place.

So the topic for today is like how to give ourselves permission, what it means to give ourselves permission, what it looks like to give ourselves permission, and to think about where that permission is coming from.

I do feel like it’s important to note, before I get too all the way down into the weeds about all of this, is that there are absolutely rules in society, spoken and unspoken, there’s a whole lot of bullshit, there is racism, there is sexism. There is misogyny and there are areas in our lives where we have to show up in particular ways in order to stay safe. That is a fact. And I’m not trying to ignore that or elide that, and I’m not trying to say that we have to throw all of our fucking rules out the window in order to be our awesome, vibrant, magnificent selves.

But what I am saying is that it starts at home. Right, if we can’t be ourselves at home, then where the fuck are we gonna go?

If we can’t be ourselves in our interpersonal relationships, whether they’re romantic or friend or family, like, that’s where we’re fucked. It has to start somewhere and I fundamentally believe that, like, that’s where fulfillment starts.

Fulfillment and meaning and joy starts at home. So if some of this stuff can apply at work, awesome, amazing, beautiful, wonderful, sparkly, great. Let’s do that. But what I’m really trying to get at here is like starting from within, starting in the small ways, starting in the like people that you really care about and showing up more authentically and honestly and openly and vulnerably there and giving yourself permission there so that you do feel a little bit more empowered.

And that’s how you become a powerful, wonderful, sparkly version of yourself. Expansion. Growing into who we really want to be, right? Becoming your most awesome self that I know is in you and that I want for you and that I want for myself means change.

And anytime we’re making changes in our lives, it’s really going to bring forward the rules that we have, the sort of things that we have in place that we’re trying to change, to move away from. And oftentimes what we want for ourself will come into conflict with how we’ve been living our lives.

Cate Blouke (04:49.838)
And the more we can become aware of that, the more we can really look at what’s going on and what we’re brushing up against, the easier it becomes to decide whether that rule or that policy or that system that you’ve had in place actually makes sense for who you are now and who you want to be. But it really has to start with identifying what those rules are. And again, we usually don’t think about them as rules.

And sometimes it doesn’t feel like a rule. Sometimes it’s like the old story that we’re trying to get rid of. The old idea, the old belief that really is keeping us stuck. And that can look like the, I’m not good enough, or I don’t deserve this, or that’s something that works out for other people but not for me. Those are the sneaky, shitty, gunky old stories that really impact what we believe we are capable of, what we believe we can and can’t do and who we are allowing ourselves to be in the world.

But the surface layer, the sort of stuff on the top that can be easier to identify, is the shoulds. Where are the shoulds showing up in your life? Years and years ago, I had a therapist who invited me to spend a day or a week, I don’t remember, I probably did it for a full day, because that was enough. But really writing down all of the shoulds that I had about like, how other people should behave, how things should be, how I should be. And it was so illuminating to really look at like, those are the rules that I have for myself. And those are the rules that I have in my head that I made up for how things are supposed to operate. And when people don’t behave in the ways that I think they should, i .e. when they aren’t following my rules, I get really wound up uncomfortable.

I get frustrated and I get cranky and I get the role I used to get passive aggressive about it because why aren’t they behaving right? And one of the many beautiful gifts of recovery and all of the work that I’ve been doing for all of these years is learning that those shoulds, those rules, like those are mine and they may or may not be serving me. Usually when I’m applying them to other people and then other people aren’t meeting them, it’s not actually serving me or the other people in my life.

Cate Blouke (07:12.302)
But, you know, it takes conscious effort on my part to, like, recognize that and to set it aside and meet people where they are. But the first step in all of that is, like, identifying that I have this rule, or this expectation, or this assumption, and once I recognize that I have it, I have the opportunity to examine whether it’s something I want to hold on to or not.

And then to decide whether I want to give myself permission to set it aside, to update it, to revise it, to toss it out the window, to set it on fire. Because, you know, all of the rules, all of the policies, all of the shoulds, they got there in the first place in order to keep me safe. Whether that was safe from social ridicule, safe from financial insecurity, safe from actual emotional or physical danger, rules in general are in place to keep us safe, to help things operate smoothly.

The problem occurs that when rules that were installed for me at an early age, when I didn’t have the self -awareness or the agency or the emotional intelligence to take better care of myself. The rules that got put into place when I was 13 don’t really apply to me when I’m 41. I mean, some might, like, I don’t know. I have a rule that I probably shouldn’t call someone an asshole to their face. And that’s a pretty good rule. I think I stick to that one pretty okay, right?

But rules like…You know, I can’t put something out in the world unless it’s absolutely perfect because people will tease me for it being imperfect and then I won’t be okay. Right? That kind of rule or policy, whatever you want to call it, like that one doesn’t serve me anymore and isn’t really true for me now in the way that it was when I was 13. Having a rule or an old idea or an old story that I like needed to be perfect in order to be worthy, in order to be loved, in order to be accepted,

Cate Blouke (09:29.39)
while that was a rule that I needed at the time, you know, in my youth when I didn’t have the emotional tools to know better, that served me well at the time. But in adulthood, in stepping into a new career, in stepping into like who and how I really want to be in the world, like that rule, that old story doesn’t serve me anymore. And as a rule following little, you know, A student human, I had to like give myself permission and continue to have to give myself permission to set that old story aside. To say to that part of myself that really wants to do it right, that really wants to get an A, I have to give her permission to be human and to fuck up sometimes and to not do it perfectly and to be vulnerable.

And to get a B+ in some areas of life, because trying to get an A in everything really was holding me back. And recognizing this idea that rules and limitations are about safety, and that asking permission is a form of seeking reassurance, of hoping and wanting to know that I am going to be safe, has been a really helpful recognition for me and tool for learning to like step a little bit outside the line, right? To move the line a little bit and to recognize that, you know, I’m a grown ass woman who can give myself permission.

I don’t need permission from my parents anymore. I don’t need permission from friends. I don’t need permission from the world.

You know, there’s a lot of power that I have given away in my life by feeling like I needed permission from other people, from outside institutions, from society, etc. And a huge piece of reclaiming my power, a huge piece of reclaiming your power, if you’re not feeling terribly confident or powerful, is really stepping into ownership of you are in charge of giving yourself permission.

Cate Blouke (11:51.982)
You’re allowed to change your mind, you’re allowed to do things differently, you’re allowed to get the tattoo that you want, you’re allowed to spend your money how you want. All of that stuff, for those of us who have that pleasing tendency, that desire to be perceived in a particular way tendency, all of those things stem from a desire to keep ourselves safe and really, like all of those things are things that we benefit from sourcing from within. When I’m turning to other people for permission, when I’m turning to other people for validation, I’m handing my power away.

And having said that, I do want to note that like the process of taking that back, of really stepping into ourselves and not needing that from other people is slow and it’s incremental. It starts with canceling plans with a friend who is safe about that, right? Who’s going to understand and be empathetic and let us know that it’s okay to cancel plans.

The capacity to set boundaries starts in like little ways. And once we do something a little bit, it gets a little bit easier and then we build that muscle and we gain more momentum and we give ourselves more and more permission to really honor who we are on the inside, right? At our core.

I spent a lot of years not showing up as who I really was. Because I didn’t know how to be who I really was, because who I really was didn’t seem to align with all of the rules I had about how people are supposed to be in the world, like what it means to be successful, what it means to have friends. God, y ‘all, I spent like 20 years trying to be an extrovert because I learned at an early age that being an introvert was gonna leave me socially isolated, and so I couldn’t be that person anymore.

And so I pushed myself and I pushed myself and I was like, no, no, I have to be social. I have to enjoy group activities. And looking back on that, it’s no wonder that I felt so uncomfortable all the time. It’s no wonder that I felt depleted all the time and a sense of soul sickness. Because I didn’t think I had permission to genuinely be myself, to be someone who loves humans and is fairly gregarious, but also just really fucking needs to be alone and quiet a lot.

Cate Blouke (14:21.006)
And that’s something that I’m still giving myself permission around and learning how to take care of myself around. And so I always just want to be really gentle with any of these things that I’m talking about on this podcast or on my blog that like, it’s a great idea and then in practice it can take a really long time. I’ve been working on my capacity to set healthy boundaries for a few years now. I’ve been working on my capacity to be honest about my feelings for many years now.

I’ve been working on letting go of perfectionism for many, many years now. And I feel like the last two years in particular, like, that’s really been my growth edge. And doing this podcast has been a huge leap, a huge opportunity to give myself permission and to really trust that this is what my higher self wants for me and that I’m gonna be okay and that I’m gonna be safe and that I’m actually probably gonna do pretty big cool things by opening up to the possibility that I don’t have to do things perfectly.

And not only that I don’t have to do them perfectly, but like there’s no such fucking thing as perfect. There is no perfect podcast. That doesn’t exist. That’s not a thing. There are plenty of models out there, right? There are things that I like to emulate. There are things that I can hold up as, oh, I want to be like that.

But something that is so helpful in battling perfectionism is the recognition that there is no right – a lot of the time. There is no perfect. And giving myself permission to do things imperfectly is recognizing that I’m trying to do something that isn’t real. And that helped! It’s a lot easier to give myself permission to stop trying to chase unicorns when I realize that they’re unicorns. You know? Like, perfection is just a unicorn.

Um, and while part of me definitely wants unicorns to exist and a different part of me wants perfect to exist, like, they’re both imaginary. And all of the rules that I come up with around all of this shit is imaginary. It’s stuff I made up in my head.

I’m not in school anymore. There are no actual grades being handed out. And when it comes to like living my life, like, there’s no perfect way to set boundaries. There’s no perfect way to communicate.

Cate Blouke (16:43.342)
All of it’s kind of messy.

And with people pleasing, it really starts with permission to be myself, like to treat myself like someone I love, like someone who is worthy, like someone whose needs are valid, and to really treat myself like a friend.

You know, I look at my friends and like their feelings are valid, they are lovable and worthy. I love the shit out of my friends. So like, what if I start thinking about myself as a friend and then it’s a lot easier to say, oh, friends are allowed to do that thing.

And when I run into situations where my friends aren’t allowed, whatever those things are, it’s usually because I’m not giving myself that permission. It’s because I have super high standards for myself that are often unrealistic, and the shitty committee in my head is very attached to the rules about how I’m supposed to behave, and if I can’t meet those expectations, then fuck, like, lots of people in my life usually can’t either, and I just end up frustrated and miserable. And so grace, the gift of generosity and compassion and understanding and empathy, all of that is wrapped up in this idea of giving permission.

And one of the things that struck me recently as someone who’s been playing with this idea for a really long time, as someone who has found it incredibly helpful to give myself permission to be who I am, to be who I want to be, to step into my own fullness and the future that I want for myself.

It recently occurred to me to sort of take a mental step back and ask myself, what part of me am I asking for permission? Like, who is the permission -granting agency in my head? And…

Am I getting permission from my higher self, my inner leader, the wise part of me who wants what’s best for me and knows what’s best for me? Is that the part of me that I am turning to to say, hey, I think I want to do this thing. Is that OK? Am I turning to that part of me? Or am I fighting the fight against the shitty committee, the saboteurs in my head?

Cate Blouke (18:55.246)
The rules police, the part of me that wants to keep me small and wants to keep me safe in that smallness, that wants me to follow those rules that I’ve been following for so long because that keeps things the same and different is scary and challenging. Is it that part of me that I’m trying to get permission from? Because realizing that also made it easier for me to get permission, because I was like, fuck those guys. Those guys are jerks. Even if they’re well -meaning.

My inner critic and my inner overachiever and my inner perfectionist, there are reasons that they are there and in some ways they serve me, but in a lot of ways they are assholes that I do not want to hand my power to anymore. And so that recognition was just another tool that was really helpful in that process of giving myself the permission that I needed to do all of the things.

So as I wind down this episode, I feel like there were a lot of invitations, a lot of tools that we covered in this episode, thinking about, you know, do you know what your rules are? Do you know what your shoulds are? Have you really stopped to think about and pay attention to those? If not, like, try that exercise. Spend a morning, spend a day, spend a week checking in with like, what are my shoulds? What are my rules?

What are the stories that I’m telling myself about how I am supposed to be in the world or how the world works? Do I have a rule that life is hard and that things usually don’t work out? If so, then like, man, look at that, give yourself permission to pick a new story. Cause that’s a grim outlook.

And if you do have some sense of the rules that you live by, pick one that you want to start maybe shifting, maybe expanding, maybe tweaking, maybe playing with, maybe opening up a little bit. Or even just asking yourself, like, what permission do I need right now?

What do I want for myself that I’m not giving myself, and what permission do I need in order to give it to myself?

What does my higher self want for me? And what is that version of me, the best version of me, the like, future version of me who is so much more fucking awesome than I already am? What does she? What do they? What does that part of me want to give me permission to do or be or say or experience?

Because I want to evolve. I want to grow. And if I want to do that, then, you know, for me, at least, I usually have to start by giving myself permission to move towards that, to make the changes, to do things a little bit differently, to step a little bit outside those lines that I have arbitrarily set down for myself.

And man, there’s so much freedom in that permission.

So if you still need somebody else to give you permission, you got permission from me, buddy!

Here it is, permission slip written. It’s all yours. You have it.

I’m fucking stoked for you to take a step towards what you genuinely want for yourself and the person that you genuinely want to be. Because whoever that person is, I’m pretty convinced that they’re pretty rad. I would want to know that person. So permission granted to be fucking fantastic.