Fear Is a Sneaky F*cker

I’m gonna go ahead and make a bold claim/sweeping generalization here: unless we’re actively practicing self awareness, most of us live our lives driven by fear. And most of us are pretty oblivious about it until we start really looking at what we’re doing.

Hopefully you noticed that I included myself in that. I’m not immune to it, even though I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about and noticing how fear crops up in my life. 

I have a daily meditation practice. I journal every morning, too. And I’ve spent a lot of time noticing my reactions to things and trying to hand stuff over to the universe. But fear still sneaks up on me all the time.

And when fear is driving the bus, which it very often is, shit just doesn’t go right. I get impatient and frustrated. I try to push my way through life rather than stepping into the flow of it. My feelings get overwhelming, and I turn to things outside myself for solution (these days it’s usually pizza and cookie dough or online shopping). 

And so often, I don’t even notice it’s happening. That’s the really sneaky part. 

Fear Masquerades as a Lot of Other Shit

I fundamentally believe that fear is at the root of pretty much all our problems. If we look at whatever the fuck is going on in our lives that is stressing us out or causing us misery, and we track our way back to root causes, I’d say 99.7% of the time fear is the culprit. We’re afraid of losing something we have or not getting what we want. (This idea comes out of recovery literature; I didn’t come up with it on my own, but I damn sure believe it the more clarity I get about my life).

I was sober for YEARS before I realized that anxiety is fear. Maybe it sounds obvious to you seeing it written down, but, y’all, this was a revelation. I’ve struggled with anxiety my whole life, but I never really labeled it as fear. 

That’s what makes fear so sneaky – how well it can hide behind most other emotions. Anger is usually fear. Procrastinating is fear. Getting overwhelmed is fear. Stressing the fuck out about all the things – is fear.

Fear is grasping, hoarding, shutting down, closing off, stifling, avoiding. Fear is not wanting to talk about it. Fear is pretending it doesn’t matter.

Fear is running away instead of leaning in, showing up, sitting down and being with whatever comes up. And so many of us don’t recognize when we’re running away. 

For me, running away manifests in getting super busy. I’m running myself ragged trying to manage and control my life – because I’m afraid of not getting what I want or losing what I already have. And I delude myself into thinking if I just work harder or be better or give more, things will work out the way I want them to. But that’s not how it works. Not for me, anyway.

Call It What It Is to Let It Go

Fear inventories are one of the most useful tools I’ve picked up in recovery. I sit down with a pen and paper and write out all the shit I’m afraid of. That might sound like a terrible idea, but think about it for a minute. 

When our stomach is upset, our bodies do what they gotta do to fix it. Purging is a part of how our bodies stay healthy – we sweat out gunk, we digest things and eliminate the waste… we don’t just let it build up inside. But we totally do that with our thoughts! We either try to shut them out, banishing them to the back of our brain where they fester and build up more funk, or they just keep spinning around in our heads, gaining speed and momentum and keeping us feeling overwhelmed. 

That’s why it’s SO important to get shit out. Get it down on paper. Talk to somebody. Acknowledge the stinkin’ thinkin’ in order to let it go.

Fear inventories are my tool for getting to the other side of the shit that’s stressing me out. I notice I’m amped up, distressed, unhappy, or struggling. And I sit down and write down what I’m actually afraid of. Sometimes it’s not a long list, and sometimes it picks up steam once I start to get honest with myself and let it all out:

I’m afraid nobody will read my blog.

I’m afraid I’m wasting my time.

I’m afraid that this vacation I’m about to take will just leave me wrung out and exhausted.

I’m afraid I’m not going to feel well when I get there.

I’m afraid that I’m never going to be able to quit my job.

I’m afraid I won’t find a tenant after spending so much time and money and energy renovating my basement.

I’m afraid of a recession.

I’m afraid I’ll never find the partnership I want.

I’m afraid of giving up on people.

I’m afraid of being sad.

I’m afraid things will always be like this.

Etc. etc. etc.

And you know what? When I write all that down, look at it on paper, and (usually) share it with someone else? I pretty much always start to feel better. Because if you look at that list – it’s a long list of being afraid of losing what I have or not getting what I want. 

But I don’t think I have a whole lot of control over that shit. I can take action towards the things I want. I can be grateful for the things I have. And I can show up every day trying to do my best in this world. 

None of that stuff is in the present, though. Right now, today, I can go for a run. I can finish packing. I can post this imperfect blog and trust it’ll find its way to whoever needs to read it. I can breathe. I can be kind.

And I can actively choose to stop letting fear run my day for me – once I recognize it’s taking control. Fuck you, fear. Today is gonna be a good day.