Moving from Fear to Love

In the past few years, I’ve made a lot of big, scary decisions. It started with the decision to leave academia – because I wanted the agency to choose where I live. Then I had to actually decide where to live and picked Portland – even though I wasn’t sure I could afford it. Then I bought a house that I need rental income to afford, and I got the tattoo sleeve I’d been thinking about for years. I sort of accidentally got a cat. I got into (and out of) an emotionally significant relationship with open-heartedness and grace. I started this blog, I set boundaries with people I love, and I made a whole host of other big and small decisions that were really fucking scary at the time.

And you know what? I’m okay! I survived. And my life is so, so much better today than it was four years ago when I had a house I could afford on my own, with a secure, tenure-track job in a state I didn’t want to be in and a community I struggled to connect with. 

I just turned 40 last week, and I’m single (still/again), which is hard. But I showed up and got to experience a really beautiful relationship with an awesome, imperfect human who radically changed my life for the better. And who I never would have met if I hadn’t left South Carolina, and hadn’t decided to stop letting fear run my life.

A couple weeks back, I wrote a post about the ways that fear sneaks up on us, the way it can take the wheel and drive the bus when we aren’t paying attention. This post is essentially the second part of that post – what happens when we make choices from a place of love rather than a place of fear.

The Relationship Between Fear, Faith, and Love

Folks in recovery rooms talk a lot about how the opposite of fear is faith. It’s a pretty common refrain, and maybe it’s true – though I’m a bit skeptical. Not of faith (I’m pretty damn woo woo and have cultivated a deep sense of faith in something greater than myself). I’m just skeptical that faith is the opposite of fear. Because faith just isn’t all that easy to access for a lot of us – whether we grew up going to church or not, whether we’re super logical or not, whether we’re able to believe in something beyond the visible/sensible/scientifically provable or not. “Faith” doesn’t necessarily come naturally to many of us. It’s something most of us have to actively cultivate, have to come to on our own, have to kind of invent for ourselves. 

Fear, on the other hand, comes really damn naturally. It turns up all on its own. And while fear is and can definitely be a learned reaction in a lot of ways, it’s also more inherent to the human experience. Faith isn’t necessarily as easily and immediately accessible in this era of science and technology and cynicism.

So, I think if fear does have an opposite, it would have to be something that comes easily as well, something natural and inherent for all of us – regardless of belief. Fear is an emotion, an experience in the mind and body; faith is a mental process. Faith is something we have to choose, to work on, to cultivate. 

Love, on the other hand, is an equally powerful emotion. Despite our woundings, despite our trauma, and despite the ways that fear can often get in the way, love persists. Love is inherent and accessible for all of us. And I think we can absolutely balance out fear by acting in and through and with love.

“God” Is Love

So, when I talk about faith, I think I’m really talking about love – trusting in love, showing up in love, leaning into and relying on love. 

Twelve step recovery is built on a foundation of believing that something bigger than you – God, Source, the universe, the recovery program itself – can help you get your shit together (I’m paraphrasing). Want to get sober? In twelve step programs you kind of have to cultivate some sense of trust in something that isn’t you and hand your shit over to it. As I’ve both experienced for myself and witnessed in others, handing all your junk over to the universe tends to then make life a lot easier, including lessening the ever-present fear that pervades most of our daily lives.

I’ve been handing my shit over for a long time now (I got sober in 2010), and I have a relationship with the universe that’s very much on the woo woo side of faith. (What up, tarot cards and crystals and astrology? I’m here for you). After more than a decade of leaning into spirituality, I’ve got quite a bit of faith in something. My higher power isn’t something that looks at all like a traditional version of god, but it works for me. And using the word “god” is convenient. But I also mean Source, or nature, or spirit of the universe, or the Force… whatever “god” is, I’m not super interested in trying to figure it out or define it. That’s way beyond my pay grade. 

So, I don’t know what the fuck “god” actually is or how it operates or what’s possible, but I do know that god is love. And love is something I can absolutely believe in.

Love is something I can see in the world around me. I can see it in strangers and random acts of kindness. I can see it in the people in my life. Love is visible to me in a way that more abstract ideas about god aren’t.

And I don’t think you have to believe in shit else to be able to believe in the power of love. Atheist, agnostic, whatever – you’ve still got evidence of love in your life if you go looking for it. Love is present and visible and real in a way that faith might not be. Love is generosity, kindness, compassion, honesty, vulnerability, trust. Love is showing up.

That’s why I think maybe the opposite of fear is love. I don’t know if we’re ever really immune to fear. It’s a sneaky fucker. And it really can wreak havoc in our lives if we let it. But leaning into love, asking ourselves what the most loving thing might be in any given situation, seems like an excellent way to move through the fear.

What Is The Most Loving Thing?

Acting in love (faith) starts with loving yourself fully and honestly. It means getting clear on your wants and needs, as well as what you’re actually afraid of. You can’t move past the fear or towards the love if you don’t know what you want. 

Now, figuring out what you want is a hell of a lot harder than it can seem, and that’ll be a whole other post. But it starts with identifying what you’re afraid you might lose or afraid you might not get (i.e. done a fear inventory). I cover that process in my previous post, so if you haven’t yet, tackle that beast. 

Take out a pen and write down all the shit you’re afraid of. Then come back over here and pick back up – because once you’ve gotten clear on your fears, then you have to ask yourself: what would I do if I weren’t afraid?

What would I do if I weren’t afraid of how he/she/they would react? Would I be honest about my feelings? Would I set a boundary to take better care of myself and the relationship? Would I stay? Would I leave?

What would I do if I weren’t afraid of what people would think? 

What would I do if I weren’t afraid of not being good enough at it/for it/in general?

What would I do if I weren’t afraid of how hard it will be or how long it will take or whether or not it will work out?

All of those things you would do if you weren’t afraid? Those are quite probably the most loving things you can do for yourself. They’re the things your heart yearns for, the things that love is calling for. 

And the more loving we are with ourselves, the more loving we’re able to be with others. That’s just how it works.

Maybe Love Is the Point

I recently got into a philosophical conversation with a person I’m seeing about whether or not we have free will. (They were of the opinion we don’t, and I disagree). The conversation – as such things will – grew into a conversation about the point of everything, the “why are we here” conversation.

And for me, it’s pretty simple – we’re here to be excellent to each other. (Lol. Bill & Ted forever!). Seriously, though, I think we’re here to learn to love ourselves and each other better. Not perfectly, not completely, just better.

According to A Course on Miracles (which I haven’t read, so this is 100% second-hand), every curriculum in our lives is designed to move us from fear to love. And I like the simplicity of that. I can also see the ways it’s been true in my life. 

Choosing love over fear is hard. Fear is often the easiest, most self-protective choice. It’s also often the most damaging choice – to ourselves and to others. Showing up in love can mean doing hard things: being honest, setting boundaries, saying no to people and things we want. 

But choosing love on a daily basis seems like a pretty simple guiding principle. It’s the one I’ve been trying to step into for the past few years, and I think it’s really been working for me. I’m happier today and more fulfilled today because I asked myself the question: what would I do if I wasn’t afraid? And then I did that thing instead of choosing fear.