Becoming Cheerleaders for Each Other

There’s not really any such thing as succeeding on our own. We don’t live in a vacuum. Every person living a big, cool life has gotten there with help from others. And I fundamentally believe that we are here on this planet to lift each other up. 

It’s just shitty that in the endless news cycle of doom and the black hole of social media, the encouragement and optimism largely get swallowed by the maelstrom of negativity. And in the patriarchal, rugged individualist culture so many of us have been raised in, there’s an entrenched notion that we’re somehow supposed to be entirely self-sufficient. We aren’t supposed to need other people to succeed. 

Which is total bullshit. 

In the U.S., we are more isolated, more depressed, more stressed-the-fuck out than we’ve ever been as a society, and I don’t think that’s unrelated to our moving further and further away from communal living and social support. Or, to the way that the news has lost all pretense of objectivity, has been overtaken by fearmongering and dire predictions.

That’s why we need more cheerleaders – both in public and in our personal lives. Since I don’t imagine anyone reading this has the power to make radical changes to the news cycle, I’m advocating we focus on what we can control: how we show up with the people we love.

Truly cultivating joy in our lives means surrounding ourselves with people who actually see us, who make us feel safe, and who genuinely want us to succeed. That may seem a bit obvious, but… is it? And, importantly, is it how the people in our lives are actually showing up? Is it how we’re showing up? 

Please Don’t Shit on My Parade

How many times have you had the experience where you’re super excited about something and you share it with a friend or loved one only to have them shit on your parade? (I know it’s normally “rain” on your parade, but it often feels like a much bigger dump than that).

It’s happened to me plenty of times! And, to be fair, I’ve also done it to people, too. Not on purpose, not maliciously. But I’ve definitely been guilty of being a party pooper when someone I care about is super excited about something that I don’t understand or that touches on my own fears and insecurities.

This short video from The School of Life does a nice job normalizing and mapping out the emotional background noise that can lead to parade shitting or, more specifically, picking fights with our partners. It’s a pretty non-awesome but also fairly normal human thing to do – normal in the sense that lots of people do it, and it’s a documented/studied phenomenon. (So, let’s just all be gentle with ourselves around this, okay? When we know better, we do better. Not before.)

And even if it isn’t outright picking fights or overt parade shitting, responding to people’s enthusiasm with lackluster energy can also have a damaging impact. So can co-opting their excitement. 

The more subtle forms of parade shitting can look like responses in the realm of: “oh, cool,” or, “good for you,” – without any follow up questions or mirrored enthusiasm. This is like a golf clap instead of a standing ovation. It can suck the air out of someone’s joy.

Another common form of accidental parade shitting can look like bringing in our own experience instead of really letting our loved one have the spotlight. As in, “oh that’s so cool, I did something like that last year and it was really amazing! Let me tell you all about my experience with that…” before our friend gets more than a sentence or two into their own excitement.

(Now, if you’re cringing a bit in self-recognition at that last one, you’re not alone, my love. As someone with ADHD who has to actively remind myself not to interrupt people, I am totally guilty of this one and am perpetually trying to get better.) 

Finally, sowing seeds of doubt is also parade shitting. Bringing fear into the equation, responding with dubious face, asking if they’ve considered the risks or have a back up plan… all of that might be coming from a place of genuine care, but it sweeps the magic carpet of enthusiasm right out from under our loved ones.

Cheerleading Means Fueling Belief Over Doubt

The people we love, the people who love us, don’t need our doubt. They are grown-ass people whose inner gremlins can probably do a perfectly good job of telling them why things won’t work out. 

They also probably need more than passive or tacit approval (more than just a heart or a thumbs up) to know that we actually give a shit. When sharing something tender, a lack of enthusiasm can often feel like disapproval or silent judgment. It can feed the doubt gremlins instead of keeping them at bay.

Instead, our loved ones need to hear, see, and feel our encouragement, faith, and enthusiasm – especially when they’re doing something new. And to repeat that in the first person: when I’m trying to do something new and big and exciting, what I really fucking need from people is cheerleading. 

My lil’ brain is perfectly aware of the risks. I’m fully capable of fueling my own self-doubt. I know all the ways and reasons it might not work. My inner critic is really good at feeding me lines about how I’m deluding myself, that this kind of thing works out for other people but not for me, how I should just stay safe by staying small. I can absolutely plant seeds of doubt and discouragement on my own. 

But if I want to grow a flourishing garden of awesomeness (which I do!), then I need people in my life who can help pull out those weeds and plant seeds of faith, hope, and empowerment instead.

Cheerleading the People We Love

Learning to lift people up, to set aside our own fear and bullshit, takes practice and active effort. Thankfully, it’s not actually that hard! It just requires awareness and intentionality.

We don’t have to don short skirts and pom poms to cheerlead our people. We just need to: 

• listen to what they’re saying, 
• pay attention to their tenderness and enthusiasm, 
• get curious about what lights them up, 
• remind them of their strengths, 
• and believe in the possibility of amazing things unfolding.

Easy-peasy, right? 

Maybe! If it were actually all that easy, I wouldn’t be writing this post. 

But here’s the cool thing: the more we practice cheerleading with/for other people, the more we’re able to do it for ourselves and to recognize it when others reflect it back to us.

We are all mirrors for each other. What I think we often forget is to check in with what we’re actually reflecting. It’s really easy to fall into old patterns of distorted, fearful, or self-absorbed thinking and reflect our own gunk back into the world. But I think we have choice in that matter.

I want to be a funhouse mirror that shows people their awesomeness! I want to highlight their strengths and believe in possibility for them so that they can believe it for themselves. 

Doubt and fear are contagious, but so are belief and enthusiasm. Our brains are simply wired to pay more attention to the negative shit. So, it takes more deliberate effort to tap into the positive – which is why I often need people around me to believe in things for me before I can truly believe them for myself.

This is why coaching is magic! Having someone who genuinely believes in your capacity for awesomeness – who can consistently remind you of your strengths and gifts if the doubt gremlins creep in – can give you the boost you need to get where you want to go. It’s worked all kinds of magic for me and for my clients. We can’t do this shit alone, y’all. Awesomeness is a team sport.

For many of us, it’s easier to imagine things going well for our loved ones than it can be to imagine the same outcome for ourselves. But the more we tap into a sense of possibility for them, the more we start training our brains to turn in that direction, and the more access we start to have to a sense of possibility for ourselves, too.

So let’s all practice our cheerleading with each other!

Let’s all bring our own bit of pizazz to supporting the people we love. It doesn’t have to be big and loud, just heartfelt and sincere.