Whatever It Is, Just Pick It Back Up (Again)
Whether it’s a New Year’s Resolution that’s already fallen to the wayside, a healthy habit you’ve been struggling to reintegrate, or a lovely little hobby that once brought you joy – today’s episode is your pep talk to just pick it back up. No guilt. No shame. No stories about wasted time. The truth is […]
Navigating Dating and Rejection (Cultivating Resilience)
Dating is hard. Full stop. And if we want to find ourselves a partner in this wacky world of online dating and modern romance, it means opening ourselves up to rejection (unfortunately). But love is worth it. And navigating dating and rejection with self-compassion and self-care means choosing to lean into hope. This episode goes […]
The Insidious Grip of a Fixed Mindset
Do you have a dream, my friend? A little idea in the back of your soul that yearns to be made real? Do you want to write a book, or start a nonprofit, or create something beautiful in the world? And have you been telling yourself that your dream is possible or that it’s “just” […]
Embracing Imperfection and the Nonlinear Path with Carrie Andersen, PhD
For recovering perfectionists, type-A planners, and those of us who really just want to get an A at life, it can be extra hard to try new things. It can also be super hard when life throws us curve balls and those meticulous plans have to change. But it doesn’t have to be quite so […]
Honoring Our Limitations
Rather than treating our limitations as problems to be solved or burdens to be borne, what might shift if we treated them with respect and appreciation? Finding our limits means finding our boundaries, and we have the option to view them as useful tools for self-care and safety (instead of cages we’re trying to break […]
Leaning Into What You’re Already Good At with Lee Peterson
How often are you getting to do the things that you are already good at? Do you wake up each day knowing that you’re going to get to show up in the world in the ways that you naturally shine? If not, then it’s time to change that, darlin. In this conversation with strengths coach […]
Saying “Yes, And” to Life
I’m back from break and kicking off season three with some encouragement to embrace ambiguity and accept what life is throwing as us (even amidst the shit show) by saying “yes, and” to what’s on offer. We usually don’t like to look at it this way, but the truth is that we’re all just making […]
The Difference between Settling and Acceptance
When life is doing shit that we don’t like, acceptance is the jumping off point, y’all. Settling is the crash landing. Or maybe it’s the getting stuck on a sandbar landing. Settling is definitely muddy and gross, and I do not wish it upon any of you beautiful souls! Acceptance, on the other hand, is […]
A Pep Talk for Patience!
Oh my goodness, thank you for your patience! Settling Is Bullshit is back! Season two of the podcast is officially here, and we have a glorious new logo to celebrate. I couldn’t be more delighted. I also was definitely on the struggle bus for a while – waiting to get this train rolling again. I […]
Making Brave Choices
We all have shit going on in our lives that scares us, even if we don’t necessarily think of it as fear. And that means we all have to make brave choices sometimes, even if we don’t necessarily think of it as bravery. But facing our shit – whether it’s the big, heavy stuff, or the […]
Adopting a F*ck Around and Find Out Approach to Life with Mindset Coach Ally Rounsley
Swearing is caring, y’all! And in this extra sweary episode, mindset coach and recovering perfectionist Ally Rounsley takes us on a deep dive into how to build resilience by stepping into a f*ck around and find out (FAAFO) mentality. Though, not in the getting-into-fights sense that this phrasing sometimes implies. (And also not in a […]
On Creativity, Identity, Queerness, and Belonging with Filmmaker Jacob Combs
We all pick up a lot of labels over the course of a lifetime – the jobs we have, the ways we show up in the world, the communities to which we belong. Sometimes the labels stick; sometimes we outgrow them. And the beauty and tragedy of adulthood is that it’s really up to each […]
Be the Weirdo Who Dares to Enjoy
If I could bottle up and sell a single magic elixir to the world, it would be a potion of self-acceptance. Because the truth is, as the LP song goes, we are all strange. And I think the world would be a kinder, more joyful, more vibrant place if we could all celebrate that instead […]
Giving Yourself Permission
Adulting is fucking hard, y’all. It’s exhausting. It’s annoying. It’s expensive. And the only way to navigate it and stay sane (and hygenic) is by instituting rules to keep ourselves in check. We all have our own internalized set of policies and procedures we follow in order to stay afloat in our lives. We have […]
The Joy and Discomfort of Trying New Things
For a lot of us, trying new things (aka learning) can be deeply, wrenchingly uncomfortable. It can also be super duper awesome, especially on the other side. There is joy to be found in our expansion, in our stepping out or into the world of possibility and weathering the discomfort that comes from growth. We […]
Using Movement to Shift Perspective with Dr. Sarah Roth
Fun fact: our connective tissue has more neurons and neuroreceptors than any other organ in the body! Which means any physical movement we make can have a substantial impact on our mental outlook – a handy concept we can leverage when trying to implement changes in our lives. In other words: move your butt to […]
Viewing Our Past with Generosity
Every once in a while, the opportunity presents itself to dive back into our past. I’m not talking about general rumination on how things could have been, but on the objects or artifacts we stumble across out of the blue. Sometimes this looks like sifting through old pictures or picking up an ancient journal. Sometimes […]
Action Fuels Motivation (Seriously)
Do you dream about bigger, cooler, more joyful ways of being but just can’t quite seem to make them happen? Or, to maintain momentum once you start? If so, you are not alone, my friend. Not at all. It’s so fucking hard to stay motived – even around the things we deeply, desperately want for […]
Dating Is Supposed to Be FUN.
Hear ye, hear ye! The dreaded V-Day approacheth! And I come bearing reminders for self-care and self-advocacy! You DO have agency around your dating life! You DON’T have to fall into the morass of self pity and despair! There is hope – should you choose to reach for it!! Lol. But really, y’all. Dating isn’t […]
Start Small and You May Surprise Yourself
Y’all, I started this blog a little over a year ago after a deeply painful breakup and a looming 40th birthday prompted me to re-evaluate what the fuck I was really doing with my life. I set a goal of writing 6 posts in 6 weeks to see what would happen. That felt like a […]
Escaping the Mire of Faux Feelings
Invalidated, unappreciated, disrespected, abandoned, unsupported, attacked, judged, invisible… any of these “feelings” tend to crop up for you? Do they come crashing in and wreck your mood, or your day, or your relationships? Invisible is a fan favorite of my inner kiddo, and, ooh boy, that one will fuck up my emotional tranquility real fast. […]
Permission to Be Unoriginal
Warning: nothing you’re about to read here will be original. It will, nevertheless, be worthwhile. (I hope). When it comes to creativity, or starting a business (which is creative, btw), or cooking, or dancing, or dating, or any number of the things we do in the world that invite our inner critic to berate us […]
Dreams Come True a Day at a Time
When I was first getting sober, everyone kept saying how it happens a day at a time. We just don’t drink today, they said. Which, honestly, felt like a stupid, trite catchphrase that was designed to make me crazy. What the fuck did they mean, “a day at a time?” What about next year? What […]
It’s Priority – Singular.
It’s a common refrain. We tell ourselves we need to sort out our priorities. We just have to identify our priorities and take meaningful action around them. Once we have our priority list, we can make better decisions! Our priorities will guide us!! Except they won’t. Because there’s no such thing as more than one […]
Fighting the Hopelessness of Modern Dating
To all my single people out there, I feel you. Oh, lordy, do I feel you. Dating in the twenty-first century can feel entirely fucking impossible for so many reasons, and since hope isn’t a feeling (it’s something we have to create for ourselves), it’s pretty understandable that hopelessness creeps in when we’re trying to […]
Permission to Change Your Mind
Decisiveness can be a useful character trait in a lot of situations. We’re each faced with hundreds of decisions on a daily basis, so being able to quickly sift through options and take action saves us a lot of time and energy. However, decisiveness can also hold us back from self care, gentleness, and listening […]
What My Recovery Means to Me
Today marks 13 years since I smoked the last of my weed (July 1st, 2010) and decided to try spending 90 days entirely sober (July 2nd, 2010). As it turned out, being completely substance-free suited me really, really well – eventually. When I got sober, I didn’t really think I had a problem with alcohol. […]
Your Needs Are Not a Failing
Food, water, shelter. Safety and security. Sleep! Friendship and a sense of connection. These are all amongst the foundational needs of every person on this planet. They all fall in the first three sections of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs – the premise of which (if you aren’t familiar) is that basic needs must be met before […]
Deciding People Mean Well
No matter how kind or compassionate or generous we may be, people are going to hurt us. That’s a reality of being in relation with other humans. People fuck up, and our feelings get hurt. We get angry. We sometimes retaliate, even when we don’t mean to. Everybody behaves like a jerk sometimes. Welcome to […]
Whatever It Is, Just Pick It Back Up
You know the feeling – suddenly you look up and it’s been weeks or months since you did the thing that you used to do every day. And you feel both panicked and exhausted, and the prospect of getting back to it feels like doing a pull up with arms made of noodles. Or, maybe […]
Finding the Sweet Spot between Grit and Grace
I don’t want to write today, but I’m doing it anyway. Yay, I’m being gritty! And that is awesome, right? Maybe. According to Angela Duckworth (who wrote the book on Grit), “grit is passion and perseverance for long-term goals.” And every piece of writing advice ever will tell you that writing daily is the way […]
Hope Isn’t a Feeling – It’s a Choice
While we often talk about “feeling” hopeful, that phrasing is a little misleading – because unlike sadness or joy or fear, hope isn’t actually a feeling. It’s a mental process that we can choose to engage in. It’s not an internal signal that naturally occurs. In other words, hope is something we do rather than […]
Happiness is Fleeting, Wholeness Persists
I think one of the most important lessons I’ve learned in recovery is that feelings aren’t forever – all of them. Happy, sad, afraid, elated, hopeless, irritated, confused, delighted, embarrassed, ashamed, adored… none of them are permanent states of being, and trying to make them last is an unrealistic goal. But we do try, and […]
Do You Want a Different Past or a Better Future?
I went “home” again last week (hence the brief hiatus from posting). And much to my surprise, it fucked with me. Just like it always does – even though I haven’t lived there for fifteen years. Admittedly, growing up in Las Vegas meant I had a bizarre fucking childhood. Not because my family was involved […]
If You Can’t Love Yourself, How Can You Trust That Others Do?
Despite what Instagram and TikTok and the rest of the internet might say, cultivating self-love is fucking hard to do. Being able to look yourself in the mirror and say, “damn. I’m awesome!” and then a) not cringe and b) actually mean it? That takes a lot of fucking work and patience. But it is […]
WTF Does It Mean to “Get Over” Someone?
When talking about breakups, we talk about “getting over” our exes. We talk about “moving on,” and “letting go.” But I think there’s a lot of murky ideas about what the fuck any of that actually means. And I don’t pretend to have THE answer to any of it, but I do think it’s a […]
Stepping Into Discomfort
To be comfortable, according to ye ol’ dictionary, is to be free from vexation, doubt, stress, or tension. I.e. to be comfortable means to be free of anything that stretches or changes us in any way – because change means stepping into the unknown, stepping into the potential for doubt, stress, and vexation. In other […]
Start Talking to Yourself Like a Friend
Do you do the thing that so many of us do where you call yourself an idiot for making a minor mistake? Do you say things like “I’m so stupid,” or “I suck,” or “I’m the worst?” If so, you’re not alone. But also – please knock that shit off. Please? It’s not nice. And […]
Sh*tting on Your Ex Is Sh*tting on Yourself
Let’s be real, it can feel damn good to shit talk exes. (Anger is a stage of grief, after all). Rather than getting overwhelmed by sorrow, it can be much easier to focus on how an ex was “an asshole,” “a crazy bitch,” or “a really fucked up person.” It can feel awesome to vent […]
Everybody F*cks Up Sometimes (Ourselves Included)
Like a bunch of folks, I got caught up in Southwest Airlines’ epic fail during this years’ holiday travel. My experience wasn’t as horrible as most, though – by some sort of truly miraculous twist of fate, I made it home on Christmas morning… at 4am. It sucked. And I was real cranky about it. And […]
Moving from Fear to Love
In the past few years, I’ve made a lot of big, scary decisions. It started with the decision to leave academia – because I wanted the agency to choose where I live. Then I had to actually decide where to live and picked Portland – even though I wasn’t sure I could afford it. Then […]
Give Yourself a F**king Break
I’m writing this from Mexico City – which is important context since I’m on day four of an eight day trip and have cried at least once (if not multiple times) every day for the last three days. And the shitty voice in my head wants to be a dick to me about that, so […]
Fear Is a Sneaky F*cker
I’m gonna go ahead and make a bold claim/sweeping generalization here: unless we’re actively practicing self awareness, most of us live our lives driven by fear. And most of us are pretty oblivious about it until we start really looking at what we’re doing. Hopefully you noticed that I included myself in that. I’m not […]
What If Nobody Is Broken?
Here’s a thought to chew on: what if – in spite of all the ways you might struggle with being a human in the world – you aren’t broken? What if the people that hurt us aren’t broken? What if nobody is broken? What would that mean? Who would we be? How would letting go of […]
Healthy Breakups: Holding Space for Grief & Gratitude
Preface: This post started as an Instagram caption after I spent a day at the Oregon Coast processing and grieving the end of a relationship. It was a gloriously beautiful day, and I was also incredibly sad. I got to hold space for both of those things to be true. I also discovered that Instagram […]