Dating Is Supposed to Be FUN.

Hear ye, hear ye! The dreaded V-Day approacheth! And I come bearing reminders for self-care and self-advocacy! You DO have agency around your dating life! You DON’T have to fall into the morass of self pity and despair! There is hope – should you choose to reach for it!!

Lol. But really, y’all. Dating isn’t supposed to be terrible. It’s not supposed to be a chore. It’s not supposed to be something we dread or make ourselves do. It shouldn’t suck the fucking life out of us. 

Dating is supposed to be fun. 

Now, maybe that sounds completely bananas. If you’ve been single and trudging the trudge of online dating for any substantive length of time, then I completely understand if you’ve got your extreme dubious face on right now. I would, too. 

This is a radical and somewhat ludicrous proposition given the state of modern romance. However! I promise it’s true.

Dating is supposed to be fun, enjoyable, adventurous, and all the good, yummy things that make partnership worth having. We just have to really, really check in with ourselves around our mindset, energy levels, and intentions. 

Check Your Perspective

Mindset is everything! I will scream that from the digital rooftops of this blog (and – teaser! – the podcast that is coming soon). How we choose to view the situations in our lives will absolutely dictate our experiences. And even when it doesn’t feel like it, we absolutely are choosing how we think about things.

Here’s a metaphor.

Our brains are vast oceans of thought and our consciousness is a boat. If we aren’t practicing mindfulness, aren’t building the muscle of noticing our thoughts and separating ourselves from them, then we’re in our boat but we don’t have a rudder. Of course we feel helpless and at the mercy of our thinking! Of course it doesn’t feel like we have any control!

But cultivating mindfulness, noticing the thought patterns that come up and then consciously setting them aside, is how we add a rudder to the boat. 

When we let the rudder steer us straight into the reef of “dating is terrible” – shocker! – it’s going to be terrible. When we decide that the dating pool is a swamp, it will be. When we go into first dates assuming they aren’t going to go anywhere, then it’s damn likely that they won’t.

Y’all, I have ridden this ride so very many times. I speak from years and years of experience on this. I have shown up to dates that I didn’t actually want to be on, and then, to nobody’s surprise, I didn’t have a good time! I’ve shown up to dates that I did want to be on but dragged my anchor of insecurity and hopelessness along, and, surprise! The person didn’t want to see me again. 

We will find evidence of whatever it is that we are looking for, and if we’re wading out into the dating pool looking for evidence that it’s a hellscape, that’s what we will find. If, on the other hand, we can approach with a sense of curiosity and wonder, with a sense of delight, a sense of lightheartedness – we’re going to have a better experience.

Are You Burnt Out on Dating?

Now, if that mindset feels completely out of reach, feels completely ludicrous, then I’m inviting you to check in with yourself. What energy are you bringing to the table? Do you even have the energy for dating right now?

If you’re in a place where the prospect of dating feels like diving headfirst into a dumpster full of Jello, then it’s time to take a fucking break. Seriously. We need rest in all areas of our lives, and the incessant bullshit of being on the apps takes a massive toll.

Dating burnout is real. And you can’t show up as your best, brightest, most beautiful self (which is what will attract the kind of partner you truly want!), if you’re approaching from the this-is-terrible angle. Or, the I-don’t-even-know-why-I’m-bothering angle. Or, the I-will-make-myself-do-this-because-I-don’t-want-to-die-alone angle. Those are all bad angles, y’all!!

And if the idea of taking a break fills you with panic, if the thought of setting things down for a few weeks or a few months calls forth the kraken of “but if I stop, I’ll never meet anyone!!!!!!” Then I invite you to take a few deep breaths and acknowledge that you’re approaching dating with a scarcity mindset. The fear of “not enough” is steering your boat, and it’s a captain that will steer you straight into the archipelago of red flags. 

Scarcity mindset – the idea that there aren’t enough eligible people out there, that we have to grasp and cling and hold onto whomever we find because there won’t be another – is the bedrock of settling for bullshit. It’s how it happens. Fear is the mindkiller and the quicksand of settling. 

So, if you are feeling desperately urgent, panicked, exhausted, or even just really, really tired… take a fucking break. Even if you only turn off the apps for a few days, I promise, it’ll help. You aren’t going to miss your shot at true love by pausing Tinder for a week. That’s not how the universe works. 

We’re at our best when we are well rested and revitalized. So if your emotional bandwidth is running low, take some time to recharge before venturing back out into the waves.

What’s the Point of Dating?

Okay, so if you’re in a reasonably good headspace, you’ve got some energy again, and you’re ready to set sail, here’s a not-just-rhetorical question for you: what’s the point of dating? Why are you going on dates? 

If you’re thinking that’s a stupid or obvious question, if you’re saying to yourself, “duh! To find a partner!” Well, then you’re not alone. But you also might be setting yourself up for a fair bit of frustration and disappointment.

There are a lot of clear parallels between online dating and online shopping these days. The options are abundant! We can sort and filter by a wide range of features! (Fortunately or unfortunately, dating apps don’t include reviews). But when we approach with a very specific outcome in mind, we close ourselves off to the possibility of discovery. 

Think about the last time you went shopping for a very specific garment. You had an idea about what the perfect dress or coat or shoes would look like, and you went on the hunt. Was that process fun? Did you actually find the exact thing? Or did you have to go to endless stores, buy several options only to return them, and ultimately feel frustrated and depleted?

It’s a totally imperfect analogy, but think about it. When we’re shopping for the sake of shopping, it can be more enjoyable even if we don’t find what we thought we wanted. 

So the perspective shift I’d like to offer here (one that was offered to me years ago and radically improved my experience of dating) is that the point of dating isn’t to find a partner, it’s to get better at dating and relationships.

Enjoying Dating Takes Practice

When I show up to a date with the intention of getting better at dating, it takes a whole hell of a lot of the pressure off and makes it much more enjoyable. I don’t have to spend the whole time going through a mental checklist of whether my date meets my criteria for long-term partnership. I don’t have to be so vigilant, hunting for the first hint of a red flag. I can practice being really present with the person, noticing if I’m enjoying myself, if I like connecting with them.

Then, at the end of the date, I can ask myself, “do I want to see this person again?” NOT, “is this someone I could see myself marrying or cohabitating with or parenting my real or imaginary children?!”

Part of getting better at dating and relationships (for me and many, many folks I’ve talked to) is slowing the fuck down. It’s about taking the urgency off our shoulders, about staying in the immediate present and future. 

It’s about asking:

• Did I enjoy myself? What did I like about that?
• How did I feel with that person? Did I feel safe and seen?
• What did I notice or learn about how I was showing up on that date?
• Was I able to show up as myself or did I feel really self conscious? Why?
• How did/do I feel after the date? What does that tell me?

Treating dating as an opportunity to practice showing up fully and authentically as ourselves – not as the person we think our date wants us to be – makes it so much more enjoyable in the long run. (It’ll probably be uncomfortable for a bit if that’s not a muscle we’re used to stretching). It’s also a recipe for better partnership if we do end up meeting someone amazing.

How glorious would it feel to be vibrantly, unselfconsciously, genuinely yourself with someone you’re dating? 

I promise it’s possible. It’s how I show up in my dating and relationships now. It just took a lot of practice. I mean, a lot. 

Learning to show up fully as myself on date one, to treat each date as an opportunity for curiosity and adventure, to look for what I can learn about myself and the other person, has made dating SO. Much. Better. It has made it fun! I kid you not. 

I actually enjoy going on dates – when I’m in the right headspace. When I have the energy. When I can hold it loosely. 

And when I can’t? I take a fucking break. I delete the apps for a month or two and focus on my friendships and health and home life. I nourish my mind, body, and spirit in the ways they need. 

Yep. It all comes back to self-care. The more I tend to my own physical and emotional needs, the more able I am to show up well on dates. If I’m coming with a full cup, then I don’t need the other person to fill it for me. Dating gets to be fun when we’re meeting each other from a place of wholeness, from a place of curiosity rather than lack. 

So take good care of yourself, my darling. Know that you are a fucking awesome – even and especially on your bad days. You’re here for a reason. You have so much to offer! And love is out there, the road just might be longer and rockier than you’d prefer. That road can be an adventure or a disaster – the choice is yours to make.